L

I sit and wait for you.
Years…years
I’ve waited.
You might have come before,
Maybe once, maybe twice.
I’m not sure.
But now,
In this moment,
You are nowhere to be
Found.
Patience,
A virtue,
They say.
Consider me virtuous,
In such a case.
Where are you?
I’ve looked for you
In the arms of deceit
And flattery composed
Of the truest deception.
I wanted to believe you were there.
But no.
No, you were not.
You never are.
There are few things in this life
For which I feel deserving.
But you are one of those.
I give far more of you
Than I have ever received.
Perhaps I am not meant to.
I have searched for you
In eyes of brown and blue.
I have lived without want of you.
I have folded hopes of you
Into compact, sharp-edged shapes.
I have set them to sail
In the winds of the world.
Fear and despair
Have set them all ablaze,
The ashes falling upon my
Dejected soul and body.
I collect the ashes
Into a glass jar where they can always be seen.
Reminding me that for you,
I wait.
I wait.
For years I have waited.
Will I wait for many more?
Where are you?
A million miles away,
In a land to which I truly belong?
Next door,
Before me, shrouded in my oblivion?
I know not the day or hour
When you will enter here,
But I will wait
Patiently.
There is no other
Choice.

A Wee Blurb on Happiness

What does it mean to be happy? To be content with the life you live and the things you have?

We are always looking for something to make us happy. We think that getting something we’ve hoped for will make us happy. We look to other people to fill the empty spaces in our hearts and souls…usually with expectations that another human being can’t possibly be expected to fulfill. We think if we get a new job or move to a new place, then we can be happy. We think something must change for happiness to begin. We think that happiness and contentment are with us only when everything is going just the way we want it to, when good news comes, when things are easy and challenges are far from our sight.

But for me, happiness and contentment has always been a state of mind, an attitude. If I can look at everything going on in my life and know that everything will be ok, it will be. If I can smile through my tears, I can know joy. There’s so much I don’t know in this world, but I do know that I am the master and commander of my feelings…regardless of the actions of others or the inconveniences the universe decides to throw my way.

The past year has been a great one. I have been content. And yet, this year was filled with so many painful experiences. I’ve been lied to more times than I can count, used, manipulated, betrayed, belittled. I’ve been heartbroken, I’ve been in an accident that has caused problem after problem, I’ve lost someone I loved to disease. Some of my friends look at me and say, “how can you be so calm about this?...How can you be in this situation and still smile at this person?...How can you forgive?” How? How do I do this? Because I choose to. Because as hard as it may be sometimes, even though I have moments when I’m anger-filled, even though my heart breaks and my compassion for the insecurities of others weighs on me, even though people’s actions have made me hesitant to trust…I remain happy, content, loving, compassionate, trusting. I will always see the good in those who show me their dark side. I will find forgiveness in my heart. I will smile when the world is crashing down around me. Why? Because I CHOOSE to. Because I have every ability to make that choice…as do you. Why should we not be content? We already have far more than we could really hope for…the very luxury of having air to breathe should be reason to be grateful.

Life is what you make it...so make it good. Your life is your choice because your attitude is your life, and your attitude is always up to you.

Forgiveness

I've been thinking A LOT about forgiveness lately.
At this point in my life, I embrace forgiveness with every fiber of my being. I feel that all should be forgiven, no matter how ugly or hurtful. I feel like my heart loves too much to hold on to to an emotion that creates so much fear and pain. But I wasn't always that way. I once had a very hardened, unforgiving heart. Just to think back to those times reminds me of how much I suffered at my own hands because I couldn't find the will to forgive, to let go of pain I feel I had not deserved. I think about the pain my dad brought me when I was younger. I think of how my family suffered because of his addictions, of all the ugly things we had to endure. I think of how I was forced to be my mother's emotional support before I even understood what emotion was. I became an adult long before I was ever meant to. I carried the burdens of an adult world on my six year old shoulders. I had so much pain that, for the better part of my life, I felt I couldn't share with anyone, that I had to keep my life a secret. And I hated my father for it. I hated him. I told him so. I could not find forgiveness within me. I could not understand how a person could do these things to people he loved. I thought, "that's not love, right? How could it be?" And I held on to hurt and anger. For years. I held on, and I suffered.
And I don't know how, or why, but one day, I forgave him. I can't remember what I was thinking, or how it happened. But I remember letting go. I remember the freedom that was found in thinking, "Yeah, you screwed up, but I don't have to carry that with me anymore." I realized that the pain and anger and hurt that I held in my heart hurt no one but me. I suffered more because I had hate deep inside of me. It makes me cry now just to think of that burden I carried all of those years. To think of the ugliness that lived in my heart. But once I forgave him, I found the beauty in him. I appreciated him. Because only after forgiving my dad was I able to see who he really is. He is a giving, generous, affectionate, passionate man who helps the people in need around him. He accepts people, he does not pass judgment, and he always chooses to believe that people are good, despite how often they may use him or hurt him. Honestly, he is me. He is a more hurt version of me. He is a version of me that chose to turn to certain things to deal with his pain. And I cannot hold that against him.Because we all deal with our hurt and our pain in different ways, and sometimes the only way we know how to deal with it is by hurting the people we love.
The truth is that hurting people usually hurt other people. Now, when someone hurts me, I do everything I can to put myself in that person's position, to try to understand where they were coming from, what they were thinking, what they were feeling. And I understand that most of the time people do hurtful things because they are hurting, or feel confused, or feel lost somehow, or are maybe struggling to figure out who they are or what they want, and in doing so, they make poor decisions along the way. But I have found that to be angry at those people does no good. Why should I be angry? Does it change them? No. Does it make them feel bad for what they've done? Maybe. But, I don't care about that. I don't feel the need to make anyone hurt, even if that's what they've done to me. I feel the need to love. And I think the power of love is greater than the power of hate, or anger, or resentment, or revenge. Those are false powers, they are manipulations. But to love takes courage, it takes strength, it takes heart. And for me, THAT is what is real. I believe that hurting people can be most changed by love.
And so I always choose forgiveness, because that is what love would have me do. It's not always easy to forgive. It often makes you a fool in the eyes of others. I've often been accused of being too forgiving. But the hell with that. I don't care. I don't care if people think I should cut ties with those who hurt me. That is not love. And I live for love. That being said, however, I don't like the phrase "forgive and forget." Let's be honest. Who forgets getting hurt by people they love? Probably no one. And I don't think we should forget. I think we should remember those times because that's what should make us think twice about hurting the people that we love. But there is a big difference between remembering and holding on. While I think we should remember the pains we've suffered, I do not think we should hold on to them. I feel a more appropriate phrase would be "forgive and let go." You can remember the hurtful times, but you don't have to hold on to the hurt. I feel that we should forgive people, and by doing so, we should let go of our hurt, our anger, our bitterness.
I have always believed that all people deserve love, acceptance, and the feeling that they are valuable and worthy. Yet my whole life I have denied myself those things.I have told myself that while everyone else may deserve them, I do not. It has really only been about a year since I started believing what I've been told by others for so long...that I deserve good things, too. I do. I deserve to be cared about, to be appreciated, to be respected. We ALL deserve that. Even people who hurt other people deserve that. And love, respect, appreciation, value, etc, can be found in forgiveness. I urge you all to look within yourselves and find the courage to forgive those who have hurt you and to let go of the pain that you've held on to. You will find freedom. You will find joy. And you will find that there is a love deep inside of you that has been buried by burdens that have only hurt you even more than that person that you have resented for so long.

τυφλές ελπίδες και ραγισμένες καρδιές

Last Thursday I was walking around campus in the dark, listening to Greek music, and feeling the October chill of Colorado creep across my skin as I thought about life, love, brokenness, freedom, security, the need for adventure (and so much more). The combination of my thoughts and the song I was listening to kept bringing a phrase to mind (one of my own making), "τυφλές ελπίδες και ραγισμένες καρδιές," or "blind hopes and broken hearts." I'm not sure what prompted these thoughts, perhaps my own sense of changing tides that I felt approaching in my life. I somehow always know when these pivotal moments are looming, and I think I subconsciously begin mentally preparing myself for them. But I really thought so much about how we blindly hope for good in our lives, and in other people. I do at least. I feel like I can find beauty anywhere, even in brokenness and hurt, in suffering. And I long to see that beauty and that goodness everywhere. I go into all situations with trust, even after having been shown time and time again that people are usually untrustworthy. I go into all situations believing that somewhere, deep inside, all people's hearts hold beauty, even when they show me time and time again the ugliness that is capable of coming out from within. I go into situations believing that the best can come out of them, no matter what. Basically, I go into every situation blindly, with blind hopes. Believing, Having faith, Trusting, Loving Unconditionally. And the truth is, I often walk away with a broken heart. Because not everyone sees the world as I do, not everyone sees people as I do. There's an odd contradiction in the fact that I am completely aware of my naïveté about the world. I see the world and its people clearly through my head, but I always choose to live through my heart, disregarding all that I know logically. I may blindly hope in good and beauty, I may walk away brokenhearted, BUT I also always walk away feeling that I've found meaning, strength, and a renewed sense of the world's possibilities. I feel sure that what I'm saying doesn't make sense to most people, but this is the rambling of a dreamer, of a feeler, of a lover, someone who is often scolded for giving too much, forgiving too easily, and loving too innocently. I'm not sure if I'm going anywhere with this, or if I have a point. Likely not. Maybe my point is that sometimes I sort of knowingly set myself up for disappointment, and because I feel things so deeply, I can easily be battered by life, BUT, because I choose to believe in love, in good, in beauty, I feel like I always come out on top. Like my life always finds a way to embrace the world and emanate the beauty that IS there. And while there are few things I would claim to love about myself, I think this is one of them. I think I always consciously attempt to choose passion over apathy, risk over security, experience over mundaneness, freedom over inhibition...and I think my life has been more rich, more full, more beautiful, and just simply GOOD because of it. :)

Losing Bibi, My Tanzanian Mother

I found out today that the woman I lived with for three months in Tanzania, the woman who became, and always will be, my African mother, passed away yesterday. Bibi (meaning "grandmother" in Swahili) and her husband were such a HUGE blessing to me. I cannot even begin to explain how amazing they were, how good they were to me, and how much I adored them. They called me their daughter, they told me I was and would forever be a part of their family, and they loved me as though that were true, because it really was. My heart is so broken when I think of the beautiful soul that is no longer living on Earth.
Bibi did so much good in this world. When she lost three of her children, she was on the verge of death, dying of a broken heart. Really. And then she and Babu (my Tanzanian father) decided to open Fanaka Memorial Secondary School in honor of their children; they wanted to provide opportunities to the local children in the village of Bunju A. Opening the school brought Bibi back to life, it gave her something to live for, something to be passionate about, and something to pour her heart into.
Cassie, a girl who was volunteering there with me last summer, went back this year and took two friend with her to really make a lot of positive changes to the school. They've just finished a lot of the projects they were working on, and I am so glad that Bibi was able to see the growth of the school before she passed. I was planning on trying to go to Tanzania to see them all en route to Greece, but I wasn't able to work it out financially. But now I'm angry at myself for not going to Tanzania instead of Greece to help with everything Cassie was doing. Then again, if I had gone, and a grandparent in Greece had happened to pass, I would have been kicking myself for not going to see my family. I just wish I could have worked it out to go to both.
I loved Bibi soooo much. She had a heart of gold and wanted to show love, kindness, and hospitality to all people. At the same time, she was a fireball. She was not afraid to tell people when she didn't approve of their actions. Bibi had once worked in Parliament fighting for women's rights, and she had no fear in pointing to government members who were stealing from the people of Tanzania. They even attempted to assassinate her because of it. But Bibi was no fool and she caught on to their plan, and they she reprimanded them for it. She told the BEST stories and she was a riot. I can still picture her watching her praise and worship shows on TV and she would get up and dance around the living room, shaking her big, African hips to the music. Bibi and I went to the market one day so that I could buy gifts for my students and Bibi yelled at the vendors for trying to cheat me. She told them that they should be ashamed of themselves for trying to cheat a girl with a pure heart who wanted to help their Tanzanian brothers and sisters.
It just seems so surreal. Last year after Cassie left I had to call her to tell her the heartbreaking news that our dear friend Benny had died of malaria. This year she had to tell me that Bibi passed away. I really wish I could be there right now, for so many reasons. I know Babu is hurting so much because he and Bibi were still VERY much in love and they were so open about it. And I know the students at fanaka are just falling apart. Imagining them weeping the way they did when Benny died just breaks my heart. I can only imagine how chaotic and painful everything is there right now, and I wish I had my African dadas and kakas (sisters and brothers) around me so that we could mourn together.
I just received this email from Cassie and I want to share it here:
Today we had to say goodbye to the biggest TEP inspiration-Rhoda (Bibi) Kahatano. She passed in the early morning of August 18th. She was a strong, independent, passionate, caring individual who always had love to share. In 2009 she welcomed me in her home with open arms and within days she was truly my grandmother. Of course she did not end there as she shared her love and opened her home to the volunteers that followed. I would be honored to be and do just a tenth of what Bibi has done in her life. She has modestly shared many stories of her life including educating men and women about equality, aids, nutrition, domestic abuse, etc., digging 50 wells after the water source in west Tanzania was poisoned with the dead bodies of the Rwandan genocide and being one of the founding women to revolutionize the Tanzanian’s Women’s Movement. She fought against corruption while in parliament and continuously kept to her morals even with daily temping bribes. But most of all she was a loving mother and grandmother to all even in the face of great tragedy…
In less than a three year span, three out of her five children were murdered due to negligence or ignorance. Instead of giving up on life she dedicated everything to the children of Tanzania. She dreamed that if she could contribute to educating a generation that no one would have to suffer as their family had. She proceeded to sell off her parliamentary wealth and build FANAKA Memorial Secondary School brick by brick. But she and Babu did not end there, they also opened ELA Nursery School .Out of complete heartache and calamity she made a dream for hundreds of students come alive. The children receive a solid education in a safe, neutering environment whether they are Christians, Muslims, boys or girls. Bibi never stopped fighting, she never lost her passion and she never gave up on her dream- so neither will we. TEP will do everything it can to keep her dream alive. FANAKA Memorial and ELA Nursery School cannot pass with its founder; instead it must rise up to be the schools she always knew they could be.
The world suffers when we lose people like Bibi so it is our duty to follow in their footsteps. We must share the love we have and give back to all people. We must not settle for “it will change” but every one of us must take the initative to make the change. Please keep the family, especially Babu in your prayers. We miss you mama and will love you forever.

Bibi was a special soul with a beautiful heart who I will forever honor and cherish, and I only wish they we would each try to live the kind of life that she did.

**A news article about Bibi's accomplishments
http://www.dailynews.co.tz/feature/?n=5964

**A news article announcing Bibi's passing
http://www.habarileo.co.tz/kitaifa/?n=9424

Dreams

I haven't written a poem in SO long, something I used to do often. This is my first one in years actually. But tonight, my thoughts just kept coming to me in poem form, and I had to take the opportunity to write it all down. so here it is:

Tear soaked pillows and broken dreams.
The bitter taste lingers on the edge of my lips.
Shards of a disappointed heart
Scattered at my tired feet.
Tired from chasing you.
How I wish that you inspired poems,
Poems of love.
You do.
Poems of a love broken.
A love tattered and torn,
Penetrated by holes of doubt and ill-fated fears.
Restore my faith
In you.
Mend the holes, sew the tatters.
Who have we become?
Star crossed lovers with no passion?
Such lovers are for stories, you might say.
But I think not.
Doomed to roam the world as a romantic,
I am
Doomed.
Shattered expectations are my baggage.
Lost loves that existed
Only in my heart.
Feeble dreams give way to even
feebler realities.
I bend down towards my tired feet,
Tired from chasing you.
I pick up the shards of
A disappointed heart.
They cut
deep into my skin.
I bleed.
It hurts
To piece a shattered heart
Together again.
But I do.
For you.
For me.
For us.
IT hurts because,
Because I know,
I know I will do this all again.
Again
Again
Again.
I lay my head down,
Down upon tear soaked pillows,
And I dream.
I dream of dreams
That will be, inevitably,
Broken.

Breaking Through

The past five months have been, in a sense, unbearable for me. And the past five days have brought perspective to all that I've found so unbearable.

This past weekend, Lindsay and Emily came to visit. Lindsay is from Minnesota, Emily is from Texas, and they were my next door neighbors when we studied abroad in New Zealand. It's true that my adventures and crazy times in NZ weren't spent with Lindsay and Emily (unless you count the time we snuck out of the window of our their house and ran as fast as we could across the lawn only to be caught like a deer in headlights by the automatic outdoor lights). Instead, my time with them was spent sitting, talking, and of course, eating. And I have always loved sharing this with them. And being with them, whether or not our times together were crazy, being with them takes me back to the best time in my life. In NZ i felt free, more free than I ever have. I felt peace, more peace than I ever have. Life was a never ending adventure. I did some of the most amazing things I've ever done...skydiving, swimming in a glacial lake surrounded by snow-capped mountains, hiking the gorgeous routeburn and milford sound treks. Life was easy. So carefree. We made dinner together, we watched movies, we skipped class for trips, we LIVED. And it was beautiful. What I wouldn't give to have that back. It makes my eyes well with tears just to think of it. I think NZ was the first time I lived in a way that was true to myself in every way. I grew up so much there, and I discovered who I really was, and who I wanted to be. I became ready for things I had never been ready for before. Life wasn't just something I went through, it was something I cherished. And I still feel like I took that time for granted, like I didn't realize it for all that it was at the time.

Tonight. another friend of mine, Lindsey (not to be confused with Lindsay) was in town. Lindsey was my best friend during my freshman year of college. We were inseparable, haha, just to think of it makes me smile. I hadn't seen Lindsey since her wedding 2.5 years ago. Before college, I had always had a really hard time talking about things, especially the way I felt. I think most people who know me now can say that I'm really open and honest. My friendship with Lindsey was what taught me to be that way. And we had what I thought was a beautiful conversation over dinner tonight. Because our conversation was real and honest and to me, that is beauty.

Being with these old friends and having real conversations with them, something I feel is lacking here (for the most part), really helped me bring perspective to a lot of things. And it was a relief. Something in me awoke from a long sleep. I remembered who I had been, and who I could still be. While Lindsey and i were talking tonight, I realized for the first time since I came here, that there is NOTHING I do for myself. All I do is schoolwork and go to my job. I don't hike, I don't paint, I don't read for pleasure (because who could be bothered with that after all they assign us), I don't work on learning Spanish, Italian, or Swahili anymore, I don't journal. All the things I used to love, I've let go of. And I no longer do anything I enjoy. Something else I've realized in the last five days is that I really need to get involved with the international exchange community again. Many people in my life know that this was a constant and life-changing passion for me. Something that brought meaning and joy to my life, something that brought me true friendship, and I've let it go.

For so long, I've felt like I've been buried on the beach. Under a mound of sand. And the only part of me which has been unburied, ever so slightly, is my head, struggling to find air. And I've been able to see the ocean coming closer and closer, preparing to consume and drown me with its force as I lie buried. And in the past few days, it seems that the ocean has receded, and that slowly, I'm breaking free of the sand. Piece by piece. My toes break through, my fingers break through. And soon, I hope, I will have the strength to free my whole body, to break free from the sand completely. I hope.