A Traveler's Ruminations on Longing for the Lost: In Search of Treasure

I have come to realize that I have unhealthily spent the majority of this trip longing for something lost. Several times a day, while surrounded by a group of people, I become consumed by my own thoughts, drifting off into a world of seclusion while people talk and laugh around me. I am lost in thoughts of Nigel. He is supposed to be here. Why can’t he be here? What would this be like if he were here? I know the answer, of course. It would be amazing. And somehow, in my desire to share this with him, in my longing for his presence, his laughter, his wisdom, I have lost sight of the fact that this trip IS amazing, because even though I can’t see or touch Nigel, he is here. He is everywhere. Because the truth is, Nigel’s soul was far too beautiful to be contained by this world. And that is why he was released from it. So he could be free to be everywhere at once, so his dreams of seeing every inch of this globe could be realized. Now he is everywhere, and that means he is also here. There are moments when I feel him. And regardless, he is always living every moment with me, because we travel this road together in my heart even if not in what we have come to call ‘reality.’ When Nigel died, one of the first things I said was that the world had lost a treasure. I thought about this a lot last night, and I realized how apt it truly is to say it. Treasure is something people look for, search for. It is something desired for its beauty, for its value, for its worth. When people met Nigel, they were being confronted with something they had searched for their whole lives. Because in Nigel could be found the culmination of every beautiful, precious and valued thing in this world. Hope, love, freedom, compassion, laughter, contentment, resilience, honesty, adventure. In Nigel, one could find what one spent their lives seeking. And that is why everyone loved him. That is why Nigel changed lives. That is why his death could be just as transformative as his life had been for those who loved him. Because when treasure is found and then lost, we must once again begin the search, knowing what it was to have been confronted with something truly amazing, and now to realize its absence in a way far deeper than would have been possible before this confrontation. We begin to search for a replacement. We look everywhere for this beauty, longing to fill the void of what has been lost. I do believe that by discovering the world, one can discover oneself. But in the end, I have come to find that this is not enough. Because looking into the world to fill the void in oneself is not possible. It is also not possible to fill the void in oneself with another person. … “I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it” (Paulo Coelho). One must also discover oneself in order to discover the world. Looking to know who you are by the things and people and places around you is not the only task that must be taken to hand, we must also look to ourselves to know the things and people and places around us. And we must be willing to lose, because nothing is really ours. Longing for what has been lost is torment. It creates a void that one seeks to fill with what is absent. And this is not possible. But to realize that nothing is ever really lost because nothing really belonged to you from the start, this is freedom. This is joy. This is love. We must come to realize that in order to have something real and meaningful and lasting in this world, we must accept that, in reality, we have nothing.

A Tired Spirit

My spirit is tired. Tired of loving. Tired of giving. Tired of forgiving. Tired of being taken advantage of. Tired of being taken for granted. Tired of being disrespected. My spirit is exhausted, really. And my heart is broken. I want to fall apart. I don’t want to be strong all the time. I don’t see any need in pretending that I’m invincible in any kind of way. I know I’m not, and I see no need in pretending that I am. But I sometimes feel that I have to do so. I sometimes feel like I have to pretend that I’m not fazed by the broken hearts and spirits I see around me. I say they’re broken because they hurt and disrespect others so easily, so freely. I don’t want to be one of those people, so I continue to love, to forgive, to remain steadfastly dedicated to those I care about. But why? Why do I continue to do that? What am I fighting for? Who am I fighting for? I find myself often fighting so hard for people that aren’t willing to fight alongside me. I find myself often fighting for things long after they’re already dead. Why? All my life I’ve believed that all people deserve to be loved and deserve to be shown their worth and value. And the most heartbreaking times in my life are when I question that belief. When I wonder if people really are worth fighting for, when I wonder if people really do deserve my love, when I wonder if people really do deserve to be treated as though they’re valuable and worthy. I hate reaching a point of jadedness in which I simply want to give up on the people around me. I hate feeling like it’s time to let go and decide that someone is no longer worth my time and love. There’s a war within me…between loving others unconditionally and loving myself at the same time. How do I find balance between the two? Sometimes it feels impossible. I’ve never been good at loving myself. I seem to always sacrifice my own happiness, even my own sanity, for the sake of others…in attempts to make them happy, in attempts to help them maintain their own sanity in the crazy world around them. But it just leads to my own brokenness. And then I fall apart. My spirit tires, and it soon breaks. And that’s where I find myself again, tired and broken. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I feel resentment. I so often tell myself these are emotions I don’t want in my life, that these are things I don’t want to feel. But I do. I feel them. They are here, whether I want them or not. And maybe I need to embrace these negative emotions just as strongly as I embrace the positive. Maybe only then I will learn to love myself, to protect myself, to require respect from others. I sometimes wish my heart was a little harder, but it’s just not. Not at all. I sometimes wonder what made me this way. I think I know, but sometimes I resent that aspect of myself because I’m tired of being tired. My spirit is tired of feeling broken and pained.

Regardless, I am who I am. And up until this point I have not wavered in being a lover, a forgiver…one who appreciates, one who looks for the best in all people, one who chooses to have faith, one who gives the benefit of the doubt, one who accepts others no matter where they might be. I have tried to be respectful and to live a life that I hope others can appreciate and would wish to emulate. I have tried to be pure toward others and in my intentions with all people. I have tried to trust that there is more than meets the eye. I have given of myself not necessarily because others deserve it, but because this is what I believe is life’s greatest joy. I may hurt, but I will not give up. “March on. Do not tarry. To go forward is to move toward perfection. March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life's path.” Khalil Gibran

L

I sit and wait for you.
Years…years
I’ve waited.
You might have come before,
Maybe once, maybe twice.
I’m not sure.
But now,
In this moment,
You are nowhere to be
Found.
Patience,
A virtue,
They say.
Consider me virtuous,
In such a case.
Where are you?
I’ve looked for you
In the arms of deceit
And flattery composed
Of the truest deception.
I wanted to believe you were there.
But no.
No, you were not.
You never are.
There are few things in this life
For which I feel deserving.
But you are one of those.
I give far more of you
Than I have ever received.
Perhaps I am not meant to.
I have searched for you
In eyes of brown and blue.
I have lived without want of you.
I have folded hopes of you
Into compact, sharp-edged shapes.
I have set them to sail
In the winds of the world.
Fear and despair
Have set them all ablaze,
The ashes falling upon my
Dejected soul and body.
I collect the ashes
Into a glass jar where they can always be seen.
Reminding me that for you,
I wait.
I wait.
For years I have waited.
Will I wait for many more?
Where are you?
A million miles away,
In a land to which I truly belong?
Next door,
Before me, shrouded in my oblivion?
I know not the day or hour
When you will enter here,
But I will wait
Patiently.
There is no other
Choice.

A Wee Blurb on Happiness

What does it mean to be happy? To be content with the life you live and the things you have?

We are always looking for something to make us happy. We think that getting something we’ve hoped for will make us happy. We look to other people to fill the empty spaces in our hearts and souls…usually with expectations that another human being can’t possibly be expected to fulfill. We think if we get a new job or move to a new place, then we can be happy. We think something must change for happiness to begin. We think that happiness and contentment are with us only when everything is going just the way we want it to, when good news comes, when things are easy and challenges are far from our sight.

But for me, happiness and contentment has always been a state of mind, an attitude. If I can look at everything going on in my life and know that everything will be ok, it will be. If I can smile through my tears, I can know joy. There’s so much I don’t know in this world, but I do know that I am the master and commander of my feelings…regardless of the actions of others or the inconveniences the universe decides to throw my way.

The past year has been a great one. I have been content. And yet, this year was filled with so many painful experiences. I’ve been lied to more times than I can count, used, manipulated, betrayed, belittled. I’ve been heartbroken, I’ve been in an accident that has caused problem after problem, I’ve lost someone I loved to disease. Some of my friends look at me and say, “how can you be so calm about this?...How can you be in this situation and still smile at this person?...How can you forgive?” How? How do I do this? Because I choose to. Because as hard as it may be sometimes, even though I have moments when I’m anger-filled, even though my heart breaks and my compassion for the insecurities of others weighs on me, even though people’s actions have made me hesitant to trust…I remain happy, content, loving, compassionate, trusting. I will always see the good in those who show me their dark side. I will find forgiveness in my heart. I will smile when the world is crashing down around me. Why? Because I CHOOSE to. Because I have every ability to make that choice…as do you. Why should we not be content? We already have far more than we could really hope for…the very luxury of having air to breathe should be reason to be grateful.

Life is what you make it...so make it good. Your life is your choice because your attitude is your life, and your attitude is always up to you.

Forgiveness

I've been thinking A LOT about forgiveness lately.
At this point in my life, I embrace forgiveness with every fiber of my being. I feel that all should be forgiven, no matter how ugly or hurtful. I feel like my heart loves too much to hold on to to an emotion that creates so much fear and pain. But I wasn't always that way. I once had a very hardened, unforgiving heart. Just to think back to those times reminds me of how much I suffered at my own hands because I couldn't find the will to forgive, to let go of pain I feel I had not deserved. I think about the pain my dad brought me when I was younger. I think of how my family suffered because of his addictions, of all the ugly things we had to endure. I think of how I was forced to be my mother's emotional support before I even understood what emotion was. I became an adult long before I was ever meant to. I carried the burdens of an adult world on my six year old shoulders. I had so much pain that, for the better part of my life, I felt I couldn't share with anyone, that I had to keep my life a secret. And I hated my father for it. I hated him. I told him so. I could not find forgiveness within me. I could not understand how a person could do these things to people he loved. I thought, "that's not love, right? How could it be?" And I held on to hurt and anger. For years. I held on, and I suffered.
And I don't know how, or why, but one day, I forgave him. I can't remember what I was thinking, or how it happened. But I remember letting go. I remember the freedom that was found in thinking, "Yeah, you screwed up, but I don't have to carry that with me anymore." I realized that the pain and anger and hurt that I held in my heart hurt no one but me. I suffered more because I had hate deep inside of me. It makes me cry now just to think of that burden I carried all of those years. To think of the ugliness that lived in my heart. But once I forgave him, I found the beauty in him. I appreciated him. Because only after forgiving my dad was I able to see who he really is. He is a giving, generous, affectionate, passionate man who helps the people in need around him. He accepts people, he does not pass judgment, and he always chooses to believe that people are good, despite how often they may use him or hurt him. Honestly, he is me. He is a more hurt version of me. He is a version of me that chose to turn to certain things to deal with his pain. And I cannot hold that against him.Because we all deal with our hurt and our pain in different ways, and sometimes the only way we know how to deal with it is by hurting the people we love.
The truth is that hurting people usually hurt other people. Now, when someone hurts me, I do everything I can to put myself in that person's position, to try to understand where they were coming from, what they were thinking, what they were feeling. And I understand that most of the time people do hurtful things because they are hurting, or feel confused, or feel lost somehow, or are maybe struggling to figure out who they are or what they want, and in doing so, they make poor decisions along the way. But I have found that to be angry at those people does no good. Why should I be angry? Does it change them? No. Does it make them feel bad for what they've done? Maybe. But, I don't care about that. I don't feel the need to make anyone hurt, even if that's what they've done to me. I feel the need to love. And I think the power of love is greater than the power of hate, or anger, or resentment, or revenge. Those are false powers, they are manipulations. But to love takes courage, it takes strength, it takes heart. And for me, THAT is what is real. I believe that hurting people can be most changed by love.
And so I always choose forgiveness, because that is what love would have me do. It's not always easy to forgive. It often makes you a fool in the eyes of others. I've often been accused of being too forgiving. But the hell with that. I don't care. I don't care if people think I should cut ties with those who hurt me. That is not love. And I live for love. That being said, however, I don't like the phrase "forgive and forget." Let's be honest. Who forgets getting hurt by people they love? Probably no one. And I don't think we should forget. I think we should remember those times because that's what should make us think twice about hurting the people that we love. But there is a big difference between remembering and holding on. While I think we should remember the pains we've suffered, I do not think we should hold on to them. I feel a more appropriate phrase would be "forgive and let go." You can remember the hurtful times, but you don't have to hold on to the hurt. I feel that we should forgive people, and by doing so, we should let go of our hurt, our anger, our bitterness.
I have always believed that all people deserve love, acceptance, and the feeling that they are valuable and worthy. Yet my whole life I have denied myself those things.I have told myself that while everyone else may deserve them, I do not. It has really only been about a year since I started believing what I've been told by others for so long...that I deserve good things, too. I do. I deserve to be cared about, to be appreciated, to be respected. We ALL deserve that. Even people who hurt other people deserve that. And love, respect, appreciation, value, etc, can be found in forgiveness. I urge you all to look within yourselves and find the courage to forgive those who have hurt you and to let go of the pain that you've held on to. You will find freedom. You will find joy. And you will find that there is a love deep inside of you that has been buried by burdens that have only hurt you even more than that person that you have resented for so long.

τυφλές ελπίδες και ραγισμένες καρδιές

Last Thursday I was walking around campus in the dark, listening to Greek music, and feeling the October chill of Colorado creep across my skin as I thought about life, love, brokenness, freedom, security, the need for adventure (and so much more). The combination of my thoughts and the song I was listening to kept bringing a phrase to mind (one of my own making), "τυφλές ελπίδες και ραγισμένες καρδιές," or "blind hopes and broken hearts." I'm not sure what prompted these thoughts, perhaps my own sense of changing tides that I felt approaching in my life. I somehow always know when these pivotal moments are looming, and I think I subconsciously begin mentally preparing myself for them. But I really thought so much about how we blindly hope for good in our lives, and in other people. I do at least. I feel like I can find beauty anywhere, even in brokenness and hurt, in suffering. And I long to see that beauty and that goodness everywhere. I go into all situations with trust, even after having been shown time and time again that people are usually untrustworthy. I go into all situations believing that somewhere, deep inside, all people's hearts hold beauty, even when they show me time and time again the ugliness that is capable of coming out from within. I go into situations believing that the best can come out of them, no matter what. Basically, I go into every situation blindly, with blind hopes. Believing, Having faith, Trusting, Loving Unconditionally. And the truth is, I often walk away with a broken heart. Because not everyone sees the world as I do, not everyone sees people as I do. There's an odd contradiction in the fact that I am completely aware of my naïveté about the world. I see the world and its people clearly through my head, but I always choose to live through my heart, disregarding all that I know logically. I may blindly hope in good and beauty, I may walk away brokenhearted, BUT I also always walk away feeling that I've found meaning, strength, and a renewed sense of the world's possibilities. I feel sure that what I'm saying doesn't make sense to most people, but this is the rambling of a dreamer, of a feeler, of a lover, someone who is often scolded for giving too much, forgiving too easily, and loving too innocently. I'm not sure if I'm going anywhere with this, or if I have a point. Likely not. Maybe my point is that sometimes I sort of knowingly set myself up for disappointment, and because I feel things so deeply, I can easily be battered by life, BUT, because I choose to believe in love, in good, in beauty, I feel like I always come out on top. Like my life always finds a way to embrace the world and emanate the beauty that IS there. And while there are few things I would claim to love about myself, I think this is one of them. I think I always consciously attempt to choose passion over apathy, risk over security, experience over mundaneness, freedom over inhibition...and I think my life has been more rich, more full, more beautiful, and just simply GOOD because of it. :)

Losing Bibi, My Tanzanian Mother

I found out today that the woman I lived with for three months in Tanzania, the woman who became, and always will be, my African mother, passed away yesterday. Bibi (meaning "grandmother" in Swahili) and her husband were such a HUGE blessing to me. I cannot even begin to explain how amazing they were, how good they were to me, and how much I adored them. They called me their daughter, they told me I was and would forever be a part of their family, and they loved me as though that were true, because it really was. My heart is so broken when I think of the beautiful soul that is no longer living on Earth.
Bibi did so much good in this world. When she lost three of her children, she was on the verge of death, dying of a broken heart. Really. And then she and Babu (my Tanzanian father) decided to open Fanaka Memorial Secondary School in honor of their children; they wanted to provide opportunities to the local children in the village of Bunju A. Opening the school brought Bibi back to life, it gave her something to live for, something to be passionate about, and something to pour her heart into.
Cassie, a girl who was volunteering there with me last summer, went back this year and took two friend with her to really make a lot of positive changes to the school. They've just finished a lot of the projects they were working on, and I am so glad that Bibi was able to see the growth of the school before she passed. I was planning on trying to go to Tanzania to see them all en route to Greece, but I wasn't able to work it out financially. But now I'm angry at myself for not going to Tanzania instead of Greece to help with everything Cassie was doing. Then again, if I had gone, and a grandparent in Greece had happened to pass, I would have been kicking myself for not going to see my family. I just wish I could have worked it out to go to both.
I loved Bibi soooo much. She had a heart of gold and wanted to show love, kindness, and hospitality to all people. At the same time, she was a fireball. She was not afraid to tell people when she didn't approve of their actions. Bibi had once worked in Parliament fighting for women's rights, and she had no fear in pointing to government members who were stealing from the people of Tanzania. They even attempted to assassinate her because of it. But Bibi was no fool and she caught on to their plan, and they she reprimanded them for it. She told the BEST stories and she was a riot. I can still picture her watching her praise and worship shows on TV and she would get up and dance around the living room, shaking her big, African hips to the music. Bibi and I went to the market one day so that I could buy gifts for my students and Bibi yelled at the vendors for trying to cheat me. She told them that they should be ashamed of themselves for trying to cheat a girl with a pure heart who wanted to help their Tanzanian brothers and sisters.
It just seems so surreal. Last year after Cassie left I had to call her to tell her the heartbreaking news that our dear friend Benny had died of malaria. This year she had to tell me that Bibi passed away. I really wish I could be there right now, for so many reasons. I know Babu is hurting so much because he and Bibi were still VERY much in love and they were so open about it. And I know the students at fanaka are just falling apart. Imagining them weeping the way they did when Benny died just breaks my heart. I can only imagine how chaotic and painful everything is there right now, and I wish I had my African dadas and kakas (sisters and brothers) around me so that we could mourn together.
I just received this email from Cassie and I want to share it here:
Today we had to say goodbye to the biggest TEP inspiration-Rhoda (Bibi) Kahatano. She passed in the early morning of August 18th. She was a strong, independent, passionate, caring individual who always had love to share. In 2009 she welcomed me in her home with open arms and within days she was truly my grandmother. Of course she did not end there as she shared her love and opened her home to the volunteers that followed. I would be honored to be and do just a tenth of what Bibi has done in her life. She has modestly shared many stories of her life including educating men and women about equality, aids, nutrition, domestic abuse, etc., digging 50 wells after the water source in west Tanzania was poisoned with the dead bodies of the Rwandan genocide and being one of the founding women to revolutionize the Tanzanian’s Women’s Movement. She fought against corruption while in parliament and continuously kept to her morals even with daily temping bribes. But most of all she was a loving mother and grandmother to all even in the face of great tragedy…
In less than a three year span, three out of her five children were murdered due to negligence or ignorance. Instead of giving up on life she dedicated everything to the children of Tanzania. She dreamed that if she could contribute to educating a generation that no one would have to suffer as their family had. She proceeded to sell off her parliamentary wealth and build FANAKA Memorial Secondary School brick by brick. But she and Babu did not end there, they also opened ELA Nursery School .Out of complete heartache and calamity she made a dream for hundreds of students come alive. The children receive a solid education in a safe, neutering environment whether they are Christians, Muslims, boys or girls. Bibi never stopped fighting, she never lost her passion and she never gave up on her dream- so neither will we. TEP will do everything it can to keep her dream alive. FANAKA Memorial and ELA Nursery School cannot pass with its founder; instead it must rise up to be the schools she always knew they could be.
The world suffers when we lose people like Bibi so it is our duty to follow in their footsteps. We must share the love we have and give back to all people. We must not settle for “it will change” but every one of us must take the initative to make the change. Please keep the family, especially Babu in your prayers. We miss you mama and will love you forever.

Bibi was a special soul with a beautiful heart who I will forever honor and cherish, and I only wish they we would each try to live the kind of life that she did.

**A news article about Bibi's accomplishments
http://www.dailynews.co.tz/feature/?n=5964

**A news article announcing Bibi's passing
http://www.habarileo.co.tz/kitaifa/?n=9424