Wow. life here is soo different. sooo different. as is to be expected, but its so good. i really, really love my host family. they are so precious. everyone in africa is family, they really are. you never know if someone is REALLY related because everyone is your brother, sister, mama, baba, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, uncle, etc. I call my host parents, who are 68 and 75, bibi and babu, meaning grandmother and grandfather. and the kids i get close to refer to me as auntie lena. our family has 2 "house girls" and a driver, and a few boys who help around the house. that makes it seem as though the family i'm living with is really rich. but thats not the case. its actually incredibly common for families to have hired help like that, especially older people like bibi and babu. they still struggle financially. they give all they have to the school they run and to the people and family friends around them who are in need. they are sooo generous. we dont have running water. we bathe from buckets, and we boil all the water before we use it so as to make it safe. but, i definitely came totally prepared to live in a hut or something of the sort, and i feel like my life is so luxurious in comparison to that. this weekend i went to a nice resort. i didnt event pay to stay there, i only went there to have a drink and hang out at the pool. and it felt WRONG to be there. as though it was just not right to be in such a nice place. it was strange. i was in awe whereas at home it wouldn't have been THAT impressive...although it was really nice, dont get me wrong.
I'm having a hard time getting used to my "white person" fame. its so weird to be walking down the street having people point and yell "white person" or come and touch me. i do not like having a lot of attention on me and it is definitely impossible to avoid it here. everyone is staring at me all the time. and i ALWAYS have to remember that here it is a compliment to be called "white person." my initial reaction is to get angry and cop an attitude, but they say it because it makes them happy to see me and i constantly have to remind myself of that.
i already have some favorite students at the school. they are sooo precious and there are some of them i would love to just sit with for hours and talk (as much as possible) and play around. i also went to a school for 2-7 year olds last week. they were sooooo cute that i just cried as i watched them practice their english and sing their little songs. i couldnt even believe how beautiful that time was. they were the most precious thing i had ever seen. i took a video a really wanted to post, along with some pictures of my time here so far, but the internet is SO slow that i think it will be a problem. that makes me sad because i really want you all to be able to see the things that i am seeing.
i love and miss you all. even though its a lot harder for me to stay in touch with you all as well as i usually do, you all have to know i still think about you just as much and still love you all like crazy!!! :)
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
The beginning of my Tanzanian adventure
Wow. So far this journey has been exciting, interesting, unexpected, fun, irritating. let me begin by saying...it is HOT. freaking hot. i spend all day of every day, and night, absolutely COVERED in sweat and the 3 short, sweat-free minutes following a cold shower (from my bucket) are pure heaven. its all so interesting.
the ride from the airport to my temporary housing was a bit...scary...and that might be a bit of an understatement. what you think of as roads...forget about it. what you think of as bad drivers and crazy traffic...forget about it. and im used to GREEK traffic and this is still driving hell on earth. hahaha. but, so fun at the same time. local buses, ooooh local buses. surprisingly, i LOVE them. they are actually vans. and they are forever crowded to the brim with people. my first dala-dala (thats the name of the bus system) experience was on a van for 13...mhm, we were up to 22 people in that van. many, many of which were standing. a couple were poking their bodies out the windows to create more space which in itself is quite scary since there have been times when the van literally rubs up against another van when making turns or pulling out of a "stop." omg, my mom is going to DIE if she reads this! haha.
the attention i get here for being white is ridiculous. im like some kind of god. its so weird. i walk down the street, and its like "oooooh, helloooo; you're so beautiful, etc etc." and the best..."munzugu, munzugu," meaning "white person, white person." but, i dont feel in any type of danger at all. people say alot, but they are sooo nice and kind and everyone always has a huge smile plastered on their face and they are just beautiful, SO beautiful.
my first few days were SO frustrating. the guy working for IFRE in tanzania is a joke. apparently, im one of the only people who has ever been picked up from the airport. i had to pay for SO much my first few days that i was NOT supposed to pay for and we wont even get into that because its ridiculous and theres SO much i could say. i have not even met this joke of a man yet even though he was supposed to spend my whole first week here giving me language and culture lessons. and what have i learned?? diddly squat. another joke. myself, and another girl im here with know of many, many situations in which this man has utterly failed to do his job and we are complaining ALOT to our organization.
anyway, i just got to my official placement yesterday. the family im living with is AWESOME. i dont think an elderly couple could be any more kind and generous and giving than this couple...and they are hilarious on top of it. omg, i am constantly laughing. and they are REALLY loved and respected people in town so there are always a ton of different people hanging out at our house, and it is great. there are up to 12 or 13 of us there at any given. not to mention all the adorable children EVERYWHERE. love them. i also went to check out the school i'll be teaching at. i'll be teaching 14 and 20 year olds and i got to meet a lot of them. i was met with a mix of excitement, incredible shyness, and "you're beautiful" followed by absolute fear to look at me any longer. haha, but they are precious. from what im learning, though, it is going to be incredibly challenging. like...beyond what i could even begin to describe. i have my work cut out for me without a doubt. but its great, and i love it! :)
the ride from the airport to my temporary housing was a bit...scary...and that might be a bit of an understatement. what you think of as roads...forget about it. what you think of as bad drivers and crazy traffic...forget about it. and im used to GREEK traffic and this is still driving hell on earth. hahaha. but, so fun at the same time. local buses, ooooh local buses. surprisingly, i LOVE them. they are actually vans. and they are forever crowded to the brim with people. my first dala-dala (thats the name of the bus system) experience was on a van for 13...mhm, we were up to 22 people in that van. many, many of which were standing. a couple were poking their bodies out the windows to create more space which in itself is quite scary since there have been times when the van literally rubs up against another van when making turns or pulling out of a "stop." omg, my mom is going to DIE if she reads this! haha.
the attention i get here for being white is ridiculous. im like some kind of god. its so weird. i walk down the street, and its like "oooooh, helloooo; you're so beautiful, etc etc." and the best..."munzugu, munzugu," meaning "white person, white person." but, i dont feel in any type of danger at all. people say alot, but they are sooo nice and kind and everyone always has a huge smile plastered on their face and they are just beautiful, SO beautiful.
my first few days were SO frustrating. the guy working for IFRE in tanzania is a joke. apparently, im one of the only people who has ever been picked up from the airport. i had to pay for SO much my first few days that i was NOT supposed to pay for and we wont even get into that because its ridiculous and theres SO much i could say. i have not even met this joke of a man yet even though he was supposed to spend my whole first week here giving me language and culture lessons. and what have i learned?? diddly squat. another joke. myself, and another girl im here with know of many, many situations in which this man has utterly failed to do his job and we are complaining ALOT to our organization.
anyway, i just got to my official placement yesterday. the family im living with is AWESOME. i dont think an elderly couple could be any more kind and generous and giving than this couple...and they are hilarious on top of it. omg, i am constantly laughing. and they are REALLY loved and respected people in town so there are always a ton of different people hanging out at our house, and it is great. there are up to 12 or 13 of us there at any given. not to mention all the adorable children EVERYWHERE. love them. i also went to check out the school i'll be teaching at. i'll be teaching 14 and 20 year olds and i got to meet a lot of them. i was met with a mix of excitement, incredible shyness, and "you're beautiful" followed by absolute fear to look at me any longer. haha, but they are precious. from what im learning, though, it is going to be incredibly challenging. like...beyond what i could even begin to describe. i have my work cut out for me without a doubt. but its great, and i love it! :)
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Traveling misfortunes...the story of my life...
well, i was all set. on my way to africa. riiiight. my travel plans can never go as planned. NEVER. i missed my flight to london, and guess what??!! yay...im stuck in newark for 3 DAYS!!! i don't leave here until monday night and i don't get into tanzania until wednesday morning. SO frustrating. So i'm stuck here in jersey, by myself, with inadequate clothing for the COLD outside. sad times. and im missing part of the cultural immersion program i paid ans digned up for in africa with cultural/swahili language lessons. last night, when it all happened, i was just so frsutrated and in tears. im a bit better with it now, although i really wish i could just get a move on to tanzania. THAT'S where i want to be right now, definitely not stuck in jersey. anyway, i've gotten in touch with my director and he says he WILL be there to pick me up wednesday. i surely hope so.
on a side note, i am going to the Univeristy of Colorado in Boulder for graduate school this fall. i'm excited. i love that place, and my friends who already live out there.
i'll keep you all updated! WISH ME A SAFE JOURNEY!!!...that actually gets me there by wednesday!!
on a side note, i am going to the Univeristy of Colorado in Boulder for graduate school this fall. i'm excited. i love that place, and my friends who already live out there.
i'll keep you all updated! WISH ME A SAFE JOURNEY!!!...that actually gets me there by wednesday!!
Monday, February 23, 2009
Running away from what I most want...
I truly hate those moments, those instances in my life, when the two dichotomous parts of my being battle inside of me against one another. They battle for control of my mind and heart. I’m not sure either of them is stronger, or that either of them ever wins the battle. Rather, I am left in a constant state of confusion regarding almost everything I ever question, or doubt, or struggle to understand. I constantly feel pulled in two completely different directions, unable to allow myself to find peace or resolution. Sometimes, I feel like my soul is a battlefield, and there will never be a victor.
There have been times when I have LONGED for love, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance. There have been times when I have felt so alone, and so unloved. Times when I have questioned why I bother to do the things I do, wondered if anything I ever do matters to anyone. I have these insecure, self-doubting, and self-deprecating moments in life when I think that no act of self-sacrifice can be sacrificial enough, or that no act of kindness is quite kind enough. Moments when I feel sure that I can never do anything right for anyone. These are the moments in which I long to have someone, anyone, come along and prove me wrong.
And I have been fortunate enough to have had beautiful people come into my life at just the right times, and do just that…they’ve given me some sort of validation. Some sort of love I’ve longed for (which I also, by the way, hate that I long for such things). There are several instances which have brought me something irreplaceable and have touched my heart in ways deeper than can be known to anyone involved…..the first time I took arnaud and edouard to wal-mart. They got down on their knees in the parking lot and offered me a bouquet of flowers as a thank you. I dropped them off at their apartment and wept in my car because no one had ever made such a gesture toward me….jenn wrote me the most beautiful letter for my 21 birthday and I read words I felt I was surely unworthy of…henrik tells me often that my laugh is enough to make him happy…zita has given me unconditional love and has spent hours listening to the nonsensical talk of the torment that goes on inside of me daily….these people, along with others, have given me something so meaningful, and so deep that they will never be able to comprehend the place they hold in my heart.
And yet, despite my desire for this love…and despite those beautiful times when it is fulfilled…there is a war going on inside of me. For some reason, when amazing people come into my life and give me selfless love, I often find myself doing the smallest of things in attempts to drive those people away. And while it doesn’t make a lot of sense, the reason is actually very simple. Regardless of my desire to be shown love and appreciation…the simple, HONEST fact is that in no way do I believe I deserve it. So, when someone attempts to give me this very thing I long for, I attempt to somehow drive them away. I feel like I don’t deserve happiness, I feel that I deserve to be hurt. And people who give to me so generously and so lovingly make me feel even more unworthy than I already feel without them being there. Sometimes, I just want them to be mean to me. I want them to raise their voice, and lose their patience. And I HATE that I feel that way, and yet these two beings within me continue to battle. As much as I long to be loved, I don’t feel that I deserve to be loved. Maybe that’s part of the reason I have this incredibly strong desire to GIVE love…because I know people NEED it, and yet it’s something I won’t allow myself to have.
I realized the other day that I am, in so many ways, like the apostle Thomas. When Jesus was planning to return to Judea, it was almost certain that he would meet death. And Thomas said, “Let us go that we might die with him.” Yet, when Jesus was resurrected, it was Thomas who couldn’t wrap his mind around what had happened. It was Thomas, who despite his dedication to the Lord, is now known as the apostle who doubted. It was Thomas who needed to put his fingers in the wounds of Jesus to be convinced that He was, in fact, alive. I am Thomas…In my faith, and in so many other ways. I clung to Jesus with steadfastness, and I sacrificed all I could to serve Him. But the moment my doubts got too big, the moment my questions were just a LITTLE too big to wrap my head around, I needed God to PROVE himself to me. I needed to put my fingers in His wounds. But, it doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t work that way in faith, OR in life. I can’t be dedicated and devoted to something or someone until the moment it gets a LITTLE too hard, until it gets to the point where it scares me a LITTLE too much. I can’t just run away when I’ve reached that point. And I can’t expect some concrete validation…some kind words, or some unexplainable miracle…to prove truth to me. I can’t look to other people for my happiness, or for my self-worth. And, considering the battle that constantly rages within me, I can’t look inside myself for it either. I have to look to a place where I seem to have forgotten HOW to look…I have to look to a place that was once a comfort, but is now a fear…I have to look to a place that I’m not even sure I really believe in anymore…….I have to look…UP.
There have been times when I have LONGED for love, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance. There have been times when I have felt so alone, and so unloved. Times when I have questioned why I bother to do the things I do, wondered if anything I ever do matters to anyone. I have these insecure, self-doubting, and self-deprecating moments in life when I think that no act of self-sacrifice can be sacrificial enough, or that no act of kindness is quite kind enough. Moments when I feel sure that I can never do anything right for anyone. These are the moments in which I long to have someone, anyone, come along and prove me wrong.
And I have been fortunate enough to have had beautiful people come into my life at just the right times, and do just that…they’ve given me some sort of validation. Some sort of love I’ve longed for (which I also, by the way, hate that I long for such things). There are several instances which have brought me something irreplaceable and have touched my heart in ways deeper than can be known to anyone involved…..the first time I took arnaud and edouard to wal-mart. They got down on their knees in the parking lot and offered me a bouquet of flowers as a thank you. I dropped them off at their apartment and wept in my car because no one had ever made such a gesture toward me….jenn wrote me the most beautiful letter for my 21 birthday and I read words I felt I was surely unworthy of…henrik tells me often that my laugh is enough to make him happy…zita has given me unconditional love and has spent hours listening to the nonsensical talk of the torment that goes on inside of me daily….these people, along with others, have given me something so meaningful, and so deep that they will never be able to comprehend the place they hold in my heart.
And yet, despite my desire for this love…and despite those beautiful times when it is fulfilled…there is a war going on inside of me. For some reason, when amazing people come into my life and give me selfless love, I often find myself doing the smallest of things in attempts to drive those people away. And while it doesn’t make a lot of sense, the reason is actually very simple. Regardless of my desire to be shown love and appreciation…the simple, HONEST fact is that in no way do I believe I deserve it. So, when someone attempts to give me this very thing I long for, I attempt to somehow drive them away. I feel like I don’t deserve happiness, I feel that I deserve to be hurt. And people who give to me so generously and so lovingly make me feel even more unworthy than I already feel without them being there. Sometimes, I just want them to be mean to me. I want them to raise their voice, and lose their patience. And I HATE that I feel that way, and yet these two beings within me continue to battle. As much as I long to be loved, I don’t feel that I deserve to be loved. Maybe that’s part of the reason I have this incredibly strong desire to GIVE love…because I know people NEED it, and yet it’s something I won’t allow myself to have.
I realized the other day that I am, in so many ways, like the apostle Thomas. When Jesus was planning to return to Judea, it was almost certain that he would meet death. And Thomas said, “Let us go that we might die with him.” Yet, when Jesus was resurrected, it was Thomas who couldn’t wrap his mind around what had happened. It was Thomas, who despite his dedication to the Lord, is now known as the apostle who doubted. It was Thomas who needed to put his fingers in the wounds of Jesus to be convinced that He was, in fact, alive. I am Thomas…In my faith, and in so many other ways. I clung to Jesus with steadfastness, and I sacrificed all I could to serve Him. But the moment my doubts got too big, the moment my questions were just a LITTLE too big to wrap my head around, I needed God to PROVE himself to me. I needed to put my fingers in His wounds. But, it doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t work that way in faith, OR in life. I can’t be dedicated and devoted to something or someone until the moment it gets a LITTLE too hard, until it gets to the point where it scares me a LITTLE too much. I can’t just run away when I’ve reached that point. And I can’t expect some concrete validation…some kind words, or some unexplainable miracle…to prove truth to me. I can’t look to other people for my happiness, or for my self-worth. And, considering the battle that constantly rages within me, I can’t look inside myself for it either. I have to look to a place where I seem to have forgotten HOW to look…I have to look to a place that was once a comfort, but is now a fear…I have to look to a place that I’m not even sure I really believe in anymore…….I have to look…UP.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Africa is SO close...
March 13. That's the day i leave for africa. CRAZY! i can't believe i'm already here. spending time in africa has been something i've been SO serious about doing for close to 5 years now. and it is so surreal to think that after all this time, it's REAL. I have a plane ticket, i have paid IFRE over $2,200, i have gotten several shots and malaria meds. i will be living in TANZANIA for a little over 3 months. i'll be with a family, who i know nothing about. i will be teaching in a school of orphans, which i also pretty much know nothing about. I feel that the whole experience is going to pretty much be a surprise. There is ONE thing i know without a DOUBT...this trip will, in some way, whether for good or bad or both....ROCK my world. change me. take everything i thought i knew about life and people and throw it right out the window.
I'm SOOO excited. And until a couple of months ago, that's ALL i was. Now, i'm also scared. I'm scared of a lot of things regarding what my life might be like there. What my life might be like when i come back. Of the possibilities of dangerous situations, which seem to be very likely. BUT, i have NEVER been one to let fear stop me in such situations. Because more than i have fear, i have this incredibly strong desire to LIVE and to do it with love, and passion, and hope, and bravery. I truly believe that GREAT things and experiences can only be gained through risk, by taking chances. And i've always been one to do just that. and even if something doesn't go so well, THAT'S OK. i know more for next time. i've learned SOMEthing, no matter how small that something may be. and with every challenge, every experience, every person i come to know and love; i GROW, i CHANGE, i LEARN...and what are we without that?? isn't that what life is REALLY about? ...to better yourself THROUGH your attempts to better the world around you.
And most of the people who REALLY know me, KNOW that this is what i live for. to somehow better the world around me. i'm not going to start some campaign, or foundation, or even attempt to discover the cure for some awful disease. but i want to change the world around me by changing the lives of people around me, in small ways. i want to smile as much as possible. i want to laugh with all my soul. i want JOY. i want people to know they're loved, appreciated. whether i'm leaving secret notes at someone's door, or sending a card to australia, or a package to germany, or if i'm baking brownies for the sad boy next door, or even for the friend who already has something to smile about...i just wanna do little things that matter to someone in some way. and that's what i want to do in africa. i want to make those kids SMILE. those kids who have lost their families and who are struggling to find hope...i want to laugh with them, i want to hug them, i want to sit down and color a picture, or go in a field and pick flowers, or run on the sands of the beach. i want something as simple as a hug to communicate genuine LOVE.
i used to have this incredible faith. this ridiculously solid, and deep love for God. and somewhere along the way in the last two years, that all seems to have evaded me. honestly, i think that's the ONLY reason why going to africa now seems scary to me. and i think, in a lot of ways, that i'm hoping that being in africa will restore to me what i have lost, what i have failed to pursue. relationships take work, they take effort, and sacrifice, and recently i have failed to put any of the former into my relationship with God. i have completely let it fall FAR from my list of priorities. and i'm not sure how i feel about that. sometimes i'm overwhelemed with emotion, sometimes i'm apathetic. needless to say, it hasn't necessarily been an easy thing, but i'm hoping that in some way my time in africa will provide clarity...even if it's only to remind me of things i've known all along.
Anyway, it's SO important to me that you all know how much i love you. i know, i know, a lot of people think i'm one to use that word too easily. but...i use it honestly. i do love you. and i think we don't tell each other often enough how we feel. losing nigel, as PRECIOUS and wonderful and amazing as he was, was such a reminder of how important it is to live every day fully and to express love to the people around you. and it's SO sad that we have to lose people dear to us to start putting into practice something that should have been part of our lives all along. i've always been one to openly use the word "love" because i feel like it's one of the most beautiful and necessary elements of life. and i'm not afraid to be honest about the fact that i DO love easily, and that you don't have to be some amazing, incredible person for me to love you. i will love you no matter where you are or who you are or why you are that way. it is simply who i am. and it's the one thing i want you to NEVER forget about me.
I'm SOOO excited. And until a couple of months ago, that's ALL i was. Now, i'm also scared. I'm scared of a lot of things regarding what my life might be like there. What my life might be like when i come back. Of the possibilities of dangerous situations, which seem to be very likely. BUT, i have NEVER been one to let fear stop me in such situations. Because more than i have fear, i have this incredibly strong desire to LIVE and to do it with love, and passion, and hope, and bravery. I truly believe that GREAT things and experiences can only be gained through risk, by taking chances. And i've always been one to do just that. and even if something doesn't go so well, THAT'S OK. i know more for next time. i've learned SOMEthing, no matter how small that something may be. and with every challenge, every experience, every person i come to know and love; i GROW, i CHANGE, i LEARN...and what are we without that?? isn't that what life is REALLY about? ...to better yourself THROUGH your attempts to better the world around you.
And most of the people who REALLY know me, KNOW that this is what i live for. to somehow better the world around me. i'm not going to start some campaign, or foundation, or even attempt to discover the cure for some awful disease. but i want to change the world around me by changing the lives of people around me, in small ways. i want to smile as much as possible. i want to laugh with all my soul. i want JOY. i want people to know they're loved, appreciated. whether i'm leaving secret notes at someone's door, or sending a card to australia, or a package to germany, or if i'm baking brownies for the sad boy next door, or even for the friend who already has something to smile about...i just wanna do little things that matter to someone in some way. and that's what i want to do in africa. i want to make those kids SMILE. those kids who have lost their families and who are struggling to find hope...i want to laugh with them, i want to hug them, i want to sit down and color a picture, or go in a field and pick flowers, or run on the sands of the beach. i want something as simple as a hug to communicate genuine LOVE.
i used to have this incredible faith. this ridiculously solid, and deep love for God. and somewhere along the way in the last two years, that all seems to have evaded me. honestly, i think that's the ONLY reason why going to africa now seems scary to me. and i think, in a lot of ways, that i'm hoping that being in africa will restore to me what i have lost, what i have failed to pursue. relationships take work, they take effort, and sacrifice, and recently i have failed to put any of the former into my relationship with God. i have completely let it fall FAR from my list of priorities. and i'm not sure how i feel about that. sometimes i'm overwhelemed with emotion, sometimes i'm apathetic. needless to say, it hasn't necessarily been an easy thing, but i'm hoping that in some way my time in africa will provide clarity...even if it's only to remind me of things i've known all along.
Anyway, it's SO important to me that you all know how much i love you. i know, i know, a lot of people think i'm one to use that word too easily. but...i use it honestly. i do love you. and i think we don't tell each other often enough how we feel. losing nigel, as PRECIOUS and wonderful and amazing as he was, was such a reminder of how important it is to live every day fully and to express love to the people around you. and it's SO sad that we have to lose people dear to us to start putting into practice something that should have been part of our lives all along. i've always been one to openly use the word "love" because i feel like it's one of the most beautiful and necessary elements of life. and i'm not afraid to be honest about the fact that i DO love easily, and that you don't have to be some amazing, incredible person for me to love you. i will love you no matter where you are or who you are or why you are that way. it is simply who i am. and it's the one thing i want you to NEVER forget about me.
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