This last month has been kind of a strange time for me. I've done a lot of thinking, gone through a lot of transition and change. Big things happened my last few weeks in Africa, coming back here has been a struggle in some ways, and I continue to think, think, think about everything. And there are really some things that have come to the surface lately, things that i've pulled up from deep down inside of me. things ive pushed away and tried not to acknowledge. but what can i say, i have to face the truth and i have to admit that i have realized and learned some serious things about myself that i NEED to rectify.
i went to church yesterday. probably the first time in about two years. thats a big deal, especially for someone like me who used to live the kind of life i did, a life completely dedicated to church. pastor chip was speaking, which was my main motivation for going. i relate to him, i trust him, i always learn a lot from him. and what he was talking about was resonating SO strongly within me regarding all the things ive been learning lately. it was as though he opened my brain, took my thoughts right out, and gave a sermon on them. he talked alot about the fears and insecurities and lies that we've held on to since childhood that have made us feel like we shouldnt be happy. thats what ive been dealing with lately.
i wrote in one of my first blog posts that i feel like i dont deserve to be loved. and its true. i do feel that way. i know where that comes from, and i have for a long time. i think so many of my insecurities come from a life of feeling like i couldnt do anything right. feeling like nothing was quite good enough. that i always had to push myself one step further, even if there were no more steps ahead. ive been made fun of and mocked, because im so sensitive and certain types of people really like to get me riled up. over time, these small lies have buried themselves deep into my heart. these lies tell me im ugly, im stupid, im worthless, i can try all i want but ill never quite be good enough. these lies hold me back from so many things, because even though i can look at them and acknowledge them as lies, i have allowed myself to live my life as though they were truth. i feel like im not worthy of truly being loved, so when someone starts to give me that, i push it away, i push them away. its funny how easily i lose patience with the people most dedicated to me, how easily i put down those who support me the most, how easily i hurt those who are so selfless with me. and yet, the people who manipulate me, who lie to me, who treat me like i really am worthless, those are the people for whom i have endless patience, endless love, they are the people i never stop fighting for. and it makes NO sense.
Pastor chip was talking about how the lie he had believed in his life for so long was that he was lazy and would never amount to anything. and so when he accomplished something great, and was rewarded for it, he did all he could to jeopardize that reward, to push it away and give it up. and thats how it is for me with love. i feel like i dont deserve it, and so i push it away. like pastor chip said, we would rather be right than happy. if happiness comes from the things that we have come to believe we dont deserve, we push that happiness away so that we follow what we "believe." I have this HUGE heart that takes everyone in and wants to love everyone, but theres one person i refuse to let into my heart, and thats myself. i dont say that to sound so selfless and giving. i think its a flaw i have, a very big one. i put everyone into my heart except myself. i give everyone love except myself. but its not in a selfless way. its in a very self-damaging way. i deprive myself of something i need. nigel was really good and showing me that. he was really good at slapping me in the face til i got my head on straight, so to speak. i know nigel loved me alot, but i think thats one thing that really drove him crazy about me. i wouldnt let myself be happy. "kiddo, whatre you doing," he would say. "youre being stupid. you gotta look out for you sometimes. you cant always worry about everyone elses happiness, because then youre never happy. who cares if so and so doesnt have ride to walmart. so what if you dont cook dinner for so and so. just look out for yourself SOMETIMES." and he was right. and only he knew how to make me take a step back and remember that i might actually be KIND OF important, too. i miss him in times like these. wish he was around. wish i could call him and tell him all the foolish thoughts in my head. he knew better than anyone how to displace the lies in me that ive come to believe.
and although ive known these things about myself for so long, what ive really been learning lately is just what a stronghold these thoughts have over me in relationships, romantic relationships in particular. something in me is so attracted to the JERK. the guy who is really a total loser, but uses his confidence and charm and sweet little lies to manipulate me. those are the guys who give me butterflies, who keep me wanting more, who keep my by the phone waiting for the next call. theyre also the guys who have NONE of the qualities i really want in a person that i share my life with. but i realized something, those butterflies, those anxious, nervous feelings, that are REALLY fruits of insecurity; i have come to associate those things with having feelings for someone. so when im with the "good guy," the guy who makes me feel loved, cared about, taken care of, comfortable, the guy who has all those qualities i want, then the insecurity isnt there. there is no anxiousness, there is no nervousness, and somehow, over time, ive told myself that if i dont get those feelings, then it means that i dont have a romantic connection with that person. and thats just stupid. because then what do i do. i push that amazing person away because theyre too good to me. theyre giving me love i dont deserve. and im TELLING myself, whether its true or not, that my feelings for that person are not real. that i need to be anxious, and nervous, and have butterflies to feel a romantic connection. but really, i only have those feelings with the people who are going to hurt me, and i feel that way with them, because i KNOW they are going to hurt me. and because ive allowed myself to believe i deserve to be hurt, thats what i allow myself to experience. and its sooo scary to me. i HAVE to work through this. i HAVE to let myself be loved. i HAVE to stop giving into the jerks. because i will spend my life in misery. and my greatest fear is that i will marry someone like my father. i love my father, but if i willingly place my life and my heart in the hands of a man like that, i will be a FOOL. but thats exactly what im afraid of. i have walked away from some of the best guys i have ever known, and will ever know, because i think i dont deserve them. my last ex-boyfriend was amazing. he really was. and he was pretty much the most perfect person in the world for me. and he loved me more sincerely and genuinely than i believe anyone ever has. and i was HAPPY with him. i was. and what did i do? i ran away from it, i pushed it all away. and its been crazy dealing with all my feelings about it, because its hard to say what i even do feel. im a simple enough person to the rest of the world, but inside, i am chaos. my heart is a jumbled mess of contradicting foolishness, and i never know what to do or which way to let my heart take me.
somehow ive even started to wonder if this is the same reason i ended up pushing God away. maybe, as little doubts began to creep into me, as i started to believe the lies of people around me, i started to also believe that my perception of God was just too good to be true. i had always known that i didnt deserve Gods love or grace. i had always known it was something given to me completely aside from myself. Ephesians 2:8-10..."God saved you by his grace when you believed. and you cant take credit for this; it is a gift from God. salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are Gods masterpiece..." i always knew i didnt deserve Gods love, but i accepted it anyway. somehow, i got to a place where i couldnt accept that either. where i pushed it away, and now i tell myself i dont deserve to have it back. pastor chip said we shouldnt base our sense of who we are on other hurt, flawed human beings. and hes right. because thats what ive done. ive let other peoples lies dictate my sense of self. i have ALSO let my sense of God be based on other hurt, flawed human beings. and that has been one of my greatest mistakes. over time ive allowed my perception of God to be based on the many imperfect human beings who claim, and some who try, to serve him.
i dont know how im gonna get past all this. i think its going to take a lot of time and a lot of work. pastor chip also said that the greatest sin of all is independence, thinking that we can do by ourselves what we were never meant to do by ourselves. i KNOW that the only way i can dispel these lies from my life, and the only way i can allow myself to accept love, is to let God take control and allow my beliefs to be shaped by His truth. I have to BELIEVE that i AM his masterpiece like ephesians 2:10 tells me. but, its going to be hard. because ive pushed God away for so long and there is still something in me fighting SO hard to continue to do so. and even though i want to be the person i was, with the life i had, and the beliefs i once held, im still really confused and i dont know how to let myself accept all those things once again.
ugh, its all so complicated. and im tired of thinking about it, and tired of trying to figure it all out. i want peace. i do. but its gonna take a lot to get there. and i will continue to hurt myself, and worse, i will continue to hurt other people if i dont figure things out, let some things go, and place truth at the center of my heart.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Refelctions on Africa
I've been back for about a week now, which is just so weird to think about. I was relieved to come home, and happy to see my family. But it's hard to think of the family I left behind. i really did have a home there, and always will, and i felt like i belonged there, that i was one of them. as much as i hated being called "mzungu," it's what i thought when i saw white people, as though they were something different from me. readjustment has been much "smoother" than i expected. not as much reverse culture shock as i anticipated. there's still some of it there for sure, and i have moments in time, especially when im with groups of people, where i totally zone out and place myself back in tanzania. its hard, because it seems like so many things here are so trivial in comparison to the lives led in tanzania. but i also knew that i would feel that way, so i think i had really prepared myself mentally for the transition.
its definitely hard to be away from everyone, and not just because i had become so used to being with them, or because i loved their company, but also because im so disconnected from the everyday simplicities of their lives and even the big, monumental things of their lives. i worry that if something big happens there, no one will let me know. and thats hard. i dont think they would have contacted cassie when benny died, i think she only knew because i called her. and that worries me. what if something big like that happens and no one informs me. thats the hardest thing about being back. worrying. worrying about all the possibilities. life there is hard for them, and its full of pain and suffering and trials. and i hate being so far away from them all. i hate feeling like im not there to do all i can to fight for their well being. its heartbreaking, really. i called lusekelo this past weekend. ive mentioned him in the blog before, but he was by far my favorite person, the person i spent the most time with, and the person my heart became most connected and attached to. when i called, we were cut off, and were not able to get back in touch. but i was able to hear him say three words..."hello...i'm fine!" that was enough to make me cry. the sound of his voice brought so many emotions. i felt joy and excitement, i felt longing and heartache, i felt so very far away from him, but at the same time so close. i have tears in my eyes now as i write this. every time i drive my car, i wish that lusekelo was beside me, staring in awe at all the things around us, singing to me as he always did. he really wanted to go to school, but i worry he wont pursue that dream without me there to push and encourage him. i worry about my students. i worry about their futures. some of them completely lack motivation, and those who have motivation completely lack the means to pursue their dreams. its hard to be so far away and not know when i will go back. and then even if i go back, many of them may have moved on, and it may be hard to find them.
it was good to have some time this weekend with my friend mel who spent some time in kenya. she and i have very similar hearts, and we had very similar experiences in africa. sharing that with her was just really nice. it was good because she understood what i'd lived through, she understood how i felt, and she has a love for that place and those people as i do. of course, not everyone understands, or even CAN understand how it was to live there, how it was to watch people suffer, and as a result suffer with them. a couple of my friends were making "black" jokes a few nights ago. honestly, i think they were doing it on purpose because they knew i had just been living with "black people." i think in their own weird way they though they were connecting with me, or maybe they were even trying to rile me up because that wouldnt surprise me at all. but thats exactly what it did, rile me up. inside, i was angry, i was hurt, i was heartbroken. on the outside, i just shut down. i was quiet, i was clearly unhappy to be where i was. i mean, ive always hated racist jokes, but now my connection to "black people" is stronger and deeper than it ever was before. sure, the people here are not the same people i was with in tanzania, but they ARE connected. its amazing after spending time in africa how clearly i can see the culture which has been carried over and maintained through the african americans here. they are still very much "african." and for 3 months, so was i. those people were, and are, an irreplaceable piece of my heart and soul. i lived with them; i taught them; they taught me; i rode the bus with them; i cooked and ate with them; i watered crops with them; i sang with them; i prayed with them; i laughed with them; i cried with them; i watched them be beat by their mothers, fathers, husbands; i watched them die....i knew them, as though i always had. there are so many things about them that will forever be a mystery to me. i will never know all the stories behind the awful scars they carry. i will never know all the hurt they've endured. i loved many orphans, but i dont know what it was like for them to lose their parents. i dont know how it feels to be raped by someone who's supposed to protect me. i dont know what it feels like to find out i have AIDS. maybe i dont know all the details, but i know that the connection i felt with them, and that the love i have for them, is REAL and it is STRONG and it will last a LIFETIME.
there are so many things i miss about my life there. so many. i miss seeing the house girls every morning, and the way they always greeted me. i miss the way bibi called me "daughter" and babu called me "mama" (because his mother's name was also helen). i miss walking down the dusty road to school. i miss the small girl who said "shikamoo mzungu" to me every morning. i miss the way ngola always said "whats up?" i miss going to get chapati from mama sophie. i miss playing with donny, and how he cried and ran after me every time i left him. i miss seeing francis' HUGE heart and how he always gave his friends the cookies he bought at the school store. i miss allen's dimples, even though that kid drove me CRAZY. i miss how sharifah and sophia clung to me. i miss going to prayer/worship with my students, even though all it did was create a flood of tears in me. i miss the way lusekelo sang "kiss me through the phoooone", and how he rode the bus with me every time i needed to go to town. i miss the way iwe says "how are the things" and "lena, karibu chakula." i miss eating sweet popcorn with elly. i miss the way rama laughed every time he looked at me. i miss benny, period; i just miss him. i miss the small kids at ELA and how they played with my hair and touched my skin, and screamed with excitement every time they saw me. i even miss that rice, as much as i ate it. i miss the way albert and i communicated. i miss chai in the evenings with bibi and babu. i miss watching second chance. i miss catching shukuru staring at me every time i was in the staff room, haha. i miss so much. how could i ever write it all. i know, without a doubt, then when i go back, no matter when it may be, EVERYthing will be different there. it always is. every day changes so much. even though every day held exactly the same routine, things never were the same. life changing things happen everyday there, but you just carry on and live life normally, because thats all you can do, there is no other choice. you do what you have to in order to survive. no questions asked. looking back, hearing stories from other people, there was a day in tanzania when i really could have lost my life. in all seriousness, had the slightest thing gone differently in that situation, albert and i may have lost our lives. it feels surreal to say that, as though it couldnt have possibly happened. but the possibility of it happening, is just as real as me sitting here typing this. and thats why i worry. because the situation albert and i found ourselves in on that particular night, is the type of thing that tanzanians find themselves in every single day. something in me did change there, without a doubt. but somehow, i feel like a part of me resisted it all. and as much as that place stole my heart, there was a part of me that i refused to give. and i wanted to, and i wish i had, and even more so, i wish i COULD. but the piece of me that stayed untouched was the piece of me that has been numb for 2 years now. i wanted africa to consume that part of me. but i didnt let it. i know what im saying makes absolutely no sense, but i know what im talking about, and maybe thats all that matters.
Being there, in africa, in tanzania, was a crazy experience. it was hard, it was fun, it was scary, it was sad, it was exciting. i dont think its possible to understand it without going. and i hope you do. for your own sake, i hope you allow yourself to see what life is like there. and i hope that you can love, and be loved, in the way that i loved and was loved. its a beautiful place with beautiful people. there is pain, there is loss; but there is LOVE. and it leads to hope. and thats all they have. hope. they wouldnt survive otherwise.
its definitely hard to be away from everyone, and not just because i had become so used to being with them, or because i loved their company, but also because im so disconnected from the everyday simplicities of their lives and even the big, monumental things of their lives. i worry that if something big happens there, no one will let me know. and thats hard. i dont think they would have contacted cassie when benny died, i think she only knew because i called her. and that worries me. what if something big like that happens and no one informs me. thats the hardest thing about being back. worrying. worrying about all the possibilities. life there is hard for them, and its full of pain and suffering and trials. and i hate being so far away from them all. i hate feeling like im not there to do all i can to fight for their well being. its heartbreaking, really. i called lusekelo this past weekend. ive mentioned him in the blog before, but he was by far my favorite person, the person i spent the most time with, and the person my heart became most connected and attached to. when i called, we were cut off, and were not able to get back in touch. but i was able to hear him say three words..."hello...i'm fine!" that was enough to make me cry. the sound of his voice brought so many emotions. i felt joy and excitement, i felt longing and heartache, i felt so very far away from him, but at the same time so close. i have tears in my eyes now as i write this. every time i drive my car, i wish that lusekelo was beside me, staring in awe at all the things around us, singing to me as he always did. he really wanted to go to school, but i worry he wont pursue that dream without me there to push and encourage him. i worry about my students. i worry about their futures. some of them completely lack motivation, and those who have motivation completely lack the means to pursue their dreams. its hard to be so far away and not know when i will go back. and then even if i go back, many of them may have moved on, and it may be hard to find them.
it was good to have some time this weekend with my friend mel who spent some time in kenya. she and i have very similar hearts, and we had very similar experiences in africa. sharing that with her was just really nice. it was good because she understood what i'd lived through, she understood how i felt, and she has a love for that place and those people as i do. of course, not everyone understands, or even CAN understand how it was to live there, how it was to watch people suffer, and as a result suffer with them. a couple of my friends were making "black" jokes a few nights ago. honestly, i think they were doing it on purpose because they knew i had just been living with "black people." i think in their own weird way they though they were connecting with me, or maybe they were even trying to rile me up because that wouldnt surprise me at all. but thats exactly what it did, rile me up. inside, i was angry, i was hurt, i was heartbroken. on the outside, i just shut down. i was quiet, i was clearly unhappy to be where i was. i mean, ive always hated racist jokes, but now my connection to "black people" is stronger and deeper than it ever was before. sure, the people here are not the same people i was with in tanzania, but they ARE connected. its amazing after spending time in africa how clearly i can see the culture which has been carried over and maintained through the african americans here. they are still very much "african." and for 3 months, so was i. those people were, and are, an irreplaceable piece of my heart and soul. i lived with them; i taught them; they taught me; i rode the bus with them; i cooked and ate with them; i watered crops with them; i sang with them; i prayed with them; i laughed with them; i cried with them; i watched them be beat by their mothers, fathers, husbands; i watched them die....i knew them, as though i always had. there are so many things about them that will forever be a mystery to me. i will never know all the stories behind the awful scars they carry. i will never know all the hurt they've endured. i loved many orphans, but i dont know what it was like for them to lose their parents. i dont know how it feels to be raped by someone who's supposed to protect me. i dont know what it feels like to find out i have AIDS. maybe i dont know all the details, but i know that the connection i felt with them, and that the love i have for them, is REAL and it is STRONG and it will last a LIFETIME.
there are so many things i miss about my life there. so many. i miss seeing the house girls every morning, and the way they always greeted me. i miss the way bibi called me "daughter" and babu called me "mama" (because his mother's name was also helen). i miss walking down the dusty road to school. i miss the small girl who said "shikamoo mzungu" to me every morning. i miss the way ngola always said "whats up?" i miss going to get chapati from mama sophie. i miss playing with donny, and how he cried and ran after me every time i left him. i miss seeing francis' HUGE heart and how he always gave his friends the cookies he bought at the school store. i miss allen's dimples, even though that kid drove me CRAZY. i miss how sharifah and sophia clung to me. i miss going to prayer/worship with my students, even though all it did was create a flood of tears in me. i miss the way lusekelo sang "kiss me through the phoooone", and how he rode the bus with me every time i needed to go to town. i miss the way iwe says "how are the things" and "lena, karibu chakula." i miss eating sweet popcorn with elly. i miss the way rama laughed every time he looked at me. i miss benny, period; i just miss him. i miss the small kids at ELA and how they played with my hair and touched my skin, and screamed with excitement every time they saw me. i even miss that rice, as much as i ate it. i miss the way albert and i communicated. i miss chai in the evenings with bibi and babu. i miss watching second chance. i miss catching shukuru staring at me every time i was in the staff room, haha. i miss so much. how could i ever write it all. i know, without a doubt, then when i go back, no matter when it may be, EVERYthing will be different there. it always is. every day changes so much. even though every day held exactly the same routine, things never were the same. life changing things happen everyday there, but you just carry on and live life normally, because thats all you can do, there is no other choice. you do what you have to in order to survive. no questions asked. looking back, hearing stories from other people, there was a day in tanzania when i really could have lost my life. in all seriousness, had the slightest thing gone differently in that situation, albert and i may have lost our lives. it feels surreal to say that, as though it couldnt have possibly happened. but the possibility of it happening, is just as real as me sitting here typing this. and thats why i worry. because the situation albert and i found ourselves in on that particular night, is the type of thing that tanzanians find themselves in every single day. something in me did change there, without a doubt. but somehow, i feel like a part of me resisted it all. and as much as that place stole my heart, there was a part of me that i refused to give. and i wanted to, and i wish i had, and even more so, i wish i COULD. but the piece of me that stayed untouched was the piece of me that has been numb for 2 years now. i wanted africa to consume that part of me. but i didnt let it. i know what im saying makes absolutely no sense, but i know what im talking about, and maybe thats all that matters.
Being there, in africa, in tanzania, was a crazy experience. it was hard, it was fun, it was scary, it was sad, it was exciting. i dont think its possible to understand it without going. and i hope you do. for your own sake, i hope you allow yourself to see what life is like there. and i hope that you can love, and be loved, in the way that i loved and was loved. its a beautiful place with beautiful people. there is pain, there is loss; but there is LOVE. and it leads to hope. and thats all they have. hope. they wouldnt survive otherwise.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
The End is Here
I can't believe im wrapping up my last week in tanzania. its now tuesday, and im leaving on sunday. i cant even believe the time has come and gone. even as i sit and write this, tears are welling up in my eyes. honestly, its the first time in my life ive ever felt the effects of homesickness, but that by no means doesnt mean that i havent fallen in love with this place and these people, and my heart breaks to think of leaving it all for an indefinite amount of time.
friday was my last day at the school, my last day with my students. earlier that week i set out with bibi to buy gifts for my students and the men/women who live at my house. I wanted to buy belts, kongas, collared shirts, earrings, etc. so, as is to be expected, the people in the markets were trying to rip me off. REALLY rip me off. but bibi and i were using some hardcore bargaining skills. we wouldnt let them get the best of us. at one pf the places i was trying to buy shirts, bibi started lecturing the guys about trying to rip me off. she said i was buying gifts for people, many of which were orphans, and they should have respect that i was trying to do good for their brothers and sisters (because after all, everyone considers themselves to be family here). One girl, about my age, was sitting nearby. She said she was an orphan and she knew the importance of what i was doing and she offered me 5,000 shillings to go towards the gifts i was buying. honestly, that was probably alot of money for her to give, and i was SOOO touched by her selflessness amongst all the cheating, that i just began to weep right there in front of everyone. oh lord. i cant emphasize enough how much ive cried in this country. bibi held me and said, "dont you feel bad, she's just a good girl with a kind heart like you." We got her phone number, and im planning on leaving a good bit of money for her which bibi will give to her. so yeah, i gave the gifts to my students, and come friday, many of them had gotten me gifts and written me goodbye letters. it was VERY sweet. when i was saying goodbye to them, i told them about the story of the girl who gave me the money. i told them i had been so hard on them all term because i wanted them to be like that woman, and not like the men who were trying to cheat me. of course, that made me cry too because i couldnt help but think of the things some of those kids are going to become involved in.
You know, i love to travel because i love to see how other people live, and i love to meet different kinds of people from different cultures. and by doing so, not only do i see the differences that society and culture have created within people, but i also see that all people are basically the same everywhere. it seems that there IS something innate within us, and while we behave differently, perceive the world differently, have different customs and traditions, we all share something, and we are not SO different. Here, i often complain about laziness, selfishness, illogical decisions. at home, in america, i complain about ignorance and materialism. as of course, the truth is, there are corrupt, rude, selfish, and lazy people everywhere. but there are also good, kind, generous, selfless, sacrificial, loving people everywhere. Just like the girl who offered her 5,000 shillings. and despite many things i see here which i consider to be flaws and the reason this country remains poverty-stricken, i also see beautiful, loving, tightly-knit kinship. despite the "fools" ive come to know here, ive also come to know the kindest, most giving and loving people, and many of them are now my family. Last week, bibi was trying to buy me a gift and i argued and argued with her, just as i would with my own grandmother. I said that bibi and babu had already given me far too much; a safe, loving place to stay, food for 3 months, lots of toilet paper, rides everywhere (so much expensive gas), so so much. bibi said, "and we would gladly give you so much more. you are our daughter now. since the day you came here, you became a part of our family, you became one of us and you always will be. you will always be our daughter, and we will always love you as one." im so blessed to be where i am, and with this family.
Of course, as ive mentioned before, my faith has been a constant contemplation here. A while ago, i saw "angels and demons" at the cinema. there was something i liked in that movie. at one point, a priest asked tom hanks if he believed in God. He said something, and then the priest said, "i didnt ask you if you believe in what man says about God, i asked if you believed in God." This is so relevant to how ive been feeling. the doubts ive had are mostly due to man's perceptions of God; to how culturally relevant God is to the people of the ancient near east; to how we've taken things they likely meant as metaphors and made them doctrinal truth. these are things which i doubt. i doubt what man has said about God. i think in my heart, i know God is real, that he exists. i can FEEL a purpose in creation, i can FEEL something divine amongst pain and suffering. The other night, my friends elly and ramadhan were talking, and rama said, "if only everyone had a loving heart just like yours elly, then what a wonderful place the world would be." but would it? if we were ALL loving, giving, kind, considerate, then where would the beauty in that be? compassion wouldnt be moving or touching, compassion wouldnt be redemptive. if we were all the same, if our hearts and characters were all made the same, we wouldnt have a choice to be the people we are, we wouldnt CHOOSE kindness or ill will, loving or hating, selflesness or selfishness, sacrifice or greed. but we do choose. we can choose. and doesnt the fact that we have a choice mean something? thats what i had always thought in my "days of faith." God has not made us into robots who thoughtlessly serve him. we dont operate like machinery with no will. we have choice. righteous living is a choice, and its a choice that takes effort. and then of course, if i am to say such things, there are people who will undoubtably argue that we DONT have a choice. Free will vs. predetermination/predestination. and so here, we see the differences in what man says about God. so what makes any of us think we are right? why is our perception of God more valid than the next? if five people can interpret a verse, in any religious work, in five different ways, then with what audacity to we claim our perception to be more valid than others? we say we know because of conviction. did the muslims who killed themselves and thousands others on 9-11 not have conviction? of course they did. we each claim to have valid ideas, and yet we are each such flawed human beings. if we are so flawed, what makes us think that our ideas and perceptions are not also flawed? we can believe WHATEVER we want to about God, we can accept whichever perceptions of man we choose, but that doesnt mean that ANY of us are right.
friday was my last day at the school, my last day with my students. earlier that week i set out with bibi to buy gifts for my students and the men/women who live at my house. I wanted to buy belts, kongas, collared shirts, earrings, etc. so, as is to be expected, the people in the markets were trying to rip me off. REALLY rip me off. but bibi and i were using some hardcore bargaining skills. we wouldnt let them get the best of us. at one pf the places i was trying to buy shirts, bibi started lecturing the guys about trying to rip me off. she said i was buying gifts for people, many of which were orphans, and they should have respect that i was trying to do good for their brothers and sisters (because after all, everyone considers themselves to be family here). One girl, about my age, was sitting nearby. She said she was an orphan and she knew the importance of what i was doing and she offered me 5,000 shillings to go towards the gifts i was buying. honestly, that was probably alot of money for her to give, and i was SOOO touched by her selflessness amongst all the cheating, that i just began to weep right there in front of everyone. oh lord. i cant emphasize enough how much ive cried in this country. bibi held me and said, "dont you feel bad, she's just a good girl with a kind heart like you." We got her phone number, and im planning on leaving a good bit of money for her which bibi will give to her. so yeah, i gave the gifts to my students, and come friday, many of them had gotten me gifts and written me goodbye letters. it was VERY sweet. when i was saying goodbye to them, i told them about the story of the girl who gave me the money. i told them i had been so hard on them all term because i wanted them to be like that woman, and not like the men who were trying to cheat me. of course, that made me cry too because i couldnt help but think of the things some of those kids are going to become involved in.
You know, i love to travel because i love to see how other people live, and i love to meet different kinds of people from different cultures. and by doing so, not only do i see the differences that society and culture have created within people, but i also see that all people are basically the same everywhere. it seems that there IS something innate within us, and while we behave differently, perceive the world differently, have different customs and traditions, we all share something, and we are not SO different. Here, i often complain about laziness, selfishness, illogical decisions. at home, in america, i complain about ignorance and materialism. as of course, the truth is, there are corrupt, rude, selfish, and lazy people everywhere. but there are also good, kind, generous, selfless, sacrificial, loving people everywhere. Just like the girl who offered her 5,000 shillings. and despite many things i see here which i consider to be flaws and the reason this country remains poverty-stricken, i also see beautiful, loving, tightly-knit kinship. despite the "fools" ive come to know here, ive also come to know the kindest, most giving and loving people, and many of them are now my family. Last week, bibi was trying to buy me a gift and i argued and argued with her, just as i would with my own grandmother. I said that bibi and babu had already given me far too much; a safe, loving place to stay, food for 3 months, lots of toilet paper, rides everywhere (so much expensive gas), so so much. bibi said, "and we would gladly give you so much more. you are our daughter now. since the day you came here, you became a part of our family, you became one of us and you always will be. you will always be our daughter, and we will always love you as one." im so blessed to be where i am, and with this family.
Of course, as ive mentioned before, my faith has been a constant contemplation here. A while ago, i saw "angels and demons" at the cinema. there was something i liked in that movie. at one point, a priest asked tom hanks if he believed in God. He said something, and then the priest said, "i didnt ask you if you believe in what man says about God, i asked if you believed in God." This is so relevant to how ive been feeling. the doubts ive had are mostly due to man's perceptions of God; to how culturally relevant God is to the people of the ancient near east; to how we've taken things they likely meant as metaphors and made them doctrinal truth. these are things which i doubt. i doubt what man has said about God. i think in my heart, i know God is real, that he exists. i can FEEL a purpose in creation, i can FEEL something divine amongst pain and suffering. The other night, my friends elly and ramadhan were talking, and rama said, "if only everyone had a loving heart just like yours elly, then what a wonderful place the world would be." but would it? if we were ALL loving, giving, kind, considerate, then where would the beauty in that be? compassion wouldnt be moving or touching, compassion wouldnt be redemptive. if we were all the same, if our hearts and characters were all made the same, we wouldnt have a choice to be the people we are, we wouldnt CHOOSE kindness or ill will, loving or hating, selflesness or selfishness, sacrifice or greed. but we do choose. we can choose. and doesnt the fact that we have a choice mean something? thats what i had always thought in my "days of faith." God has not made us into robots who thoughtlessly serve him. we dont operate like machinery with no will. we have choice. righteous living is a choice, and its a choice that takes effort. and then of course, if i am to say such things, there are people who will undoubtably argue that we DONT have a choice. Free will vs. predetermination/predestination. and so here, we see the differences in what man says about God. so what makes any of us think we are right? why is our perception of God more valid than the next? if five people can interpret a verse, in any religious work, in five different ways, then with what audacity to we claim our perception to be more valid than others? we say we know because of conviction. did the muslims who killed themselves and thousands others on 9-11 not have conviction? of course they did. we each claim to have valid ideas, and yet we are each such flawed human beings. if we are so flawed, what makes us think that our ideas and perceptions are not also flawed? we can believe WHATEVER we want to about God, we can accept whichever perceptions of man we choose, but that doesnt mean that ANY of us are right.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Only 2 Weeks Left
i cant believe it! ill be home in 2 weeks. its crazy. a part of me really is sooo sad to leave, but theres also a part of me thats really looking forward to going home and seeing so many of the other people who are so precious to me. my sister and i both have a bit of a countdown going on to when we'll see each other again!
ok, so, the one thing i REALLY miss the most about home (besides my sister, of course) is being a normal person who no one pays attention to. the "mzungu" thing is really getting sooo old. i cant take it any more!!! instead of getting used to all the attention and yells my presence seems to conjure, i hate it more and more each day. ive gotten to the point where i HATE to be anywhere other than home or school. i DREAD having to run errands because i DONT want to be the center of attention anymore. i hate it so much!! it doesnt bother me nearly as much if im with a tanzanian friend because then its easier for me to ignore the other people. but if im alone, its torturous. i cant wait to blend in with everyone else again.
thursday was my last actual day of teaching. now we're in final exams and this coming friday will be my last day with the students. :( im going one day early this week to buy many of them gifts like clothes, watches, jewelry...things like that. also, when i get home im going to be attempting to do some serious fund raising for the needs here. many of the students need to have their school fees paid for, and the cassie and i both want a new library to be built in benny's honor which will cost quite a lot of money. also, she and i are still wanting to find money to send the child, Father, to school away from his mother. so yeah, the number im looking to raise is quite high, and im going to need as much as possible.
its going to be really hard to leave a few of the people here, especially those at my house. my two buddies, i could say my closest "brothers" are iwe and lusekelo. iwe speaks better english than any of my peers, and he has become my confidante. i tell iwe everything...all the things that make me sad, happy, angry. everything. he hears all my complaints about school. poor iwe. he probably dreads seeing me these days! haha. and lusekelo is my buddy. what can i say? i love that kid so much. i definitely spend more time with him than anyone else and he speaks much better english than he seemed to at first (plus he has improved a lot). so between his english and my swahili we barely have any problems communicating. im going to be so sad to leave him. everyday he tells me he loves me so much and that hes going to miss me so much when i leave. he says the house will be so boring without me there, he then proceeds to imitate every single person there to show me that he will be lonely. haha. its def too hard to explain over the internet, but its hilarious. he has decided he wants to go back to school, so i also really want to help find funding for him because he is my FAVORITE.
at my house, my "family's" favorite words to describe me are "charming" and "funny." they always tell me they will miss me so much, and that does NOT help me feel less sad about leaving. albert (who is my favorite in a tie with lusekelo) asks me every single day when i will come back. and everyday i say i dont know. oooh, i really do hope i can make it back to visit soon, especially since bibi and babu are so old. by the way, bibi and babu have the best stories ever. ill have to share some of those later. for now, i need to get going. but ill see many of you in 2 weeks! i cant believe it. i know its going to FLY by!
ok, so, the one thing i REALLY miss the most about home (besides my sister, of course) is being a normal person who no one pays attention to. the "mzungu" thing is really getting sooo old. i cant take it any more!!! instead of getting used to all the attention and yells my presence seems to conjure, i hate it more and more each day. ive gotten to the point where i HATE to be anywhere other than home or school. i DREAD having to run errands because i DONT want to be the center of attention anymore. i hate it so much!! it doesnt bother me nearly as much if im with a tanzanian friend because then its easier for me to ignore the other people. but if im alone, its torturous. i cant wait to blend in with everyone else again.
thursday was my last actual day of teaching. now we're in final exams and this coming friday will be my last day with the students. :( im going one day early this week to buy many of them gifts like clothes, watches, jewelry...things like that. also, when i get home im going to be attempting to do some serious fund raising for the needs here. many of the students need to have their school fees paid for, and the cassie and i both want a new library to be built in benny's honor which will cost quite a lot of money. also, she and i are still wanting to find money to send the child, Father, to school away from his mother. so yeah, the number im looking to raise is quite high, and im going to need as much as possible.
its going to be really hard to leave a few of the people here, especially those at my house. my two buddies, i could say my closest "brothers" are iwe and lusekelo. iwe speaks better english than any of my peers, and he has become my confidante. i tell iwe everything...all the things that make me sad, happy, angry. everything. he hears all my complaints about school. poor iwe. he probably dreads seeing me these days! haha. and lusekelo is my buddy. what can i say? i love that kid so much. i definitely spend more time with him than anyone else and he speaks much better english than he seemed to at first (plus he has improved a lot). so between his english and my swahili we barely have any problems communicating. im going to be so sad to leave him. everyday he tells me he loves me so much and that hes going to miss me so much when i leave. he says the house will be so boring without me there, he then proceeds to imitate every single person there to show me that he will be lonely. haha. its def too hard to explain over the internet, but its hilarious. he has decided he wants to go back to school, so i also really want to help find funding for him because he is my FAVORITE.
at my house, my "family's" favorite words to describe me are "charming" and "funny." they always tell me they will miss me so much, and that does NOT help me feel less sad about leaving. albert (who is my favorite in a tie with lusekelo) asks me every single day when i will come back. and everyday i say i dont know. oooh, i really do hope i can make it back to visit soon, especially since bibi and babu are so old. by the way, bibi and babu have the best stories ever. ill have to share some of those later. for now, i need to get going. but ill see many of you in 2 weeks! i cant believe it. i know its going to FLY by!
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Lamentations
Mmmm. its been quite an emotional week. lamenting, lamenting, a bit more lamenting. its been exhausting, especially on top of the massive amounts of work ive been doing for school. So, as i wrote before, benny died on monday. i was left all day with people who didnt speak english, so i didnt actually know EXACTLY what happened until that night when everyone came back home. benny has always had very bad asthma, and its something he's struggled with all of his life. if you were to see benny without a shirt on, you would see that his chest was quite compressed, it had not developed normally. on monday, the nurse from the hospital had gone where benny was staying to give him his medicine which was healing him from his fight against the malaria. because as far as the malaria was concerned, he really was getting MUCH better. but when the nurse arrived, benny was having a lot of trouble breathing. surely it was making it even more difficult because he was so weak and malnutritioned. the nurse suggested benny be taken to the hospital right away. benny died on the way to the hospital because he was unable to breathe.
tuesday, many, many people had come to our house for the traditional african gathering of grieving. all day as i sat and typed exams for school, i listened to this massive group of people singing songs of mourning, wailing, and crying out. needless to say, it was impossible to be there without crying, and by the end of the day i just could not stand it any more. i left to go visit my students at school because my need for escaping was necessary. once i got there, i let some of my students convince me to join them for prayer and worship. probably not the best idea if i wanted to escape grief and crying. now, because of all my struggles regarding my faith the last few years, almost everytime im in such a situation i become very emotional and cry. on this day, as the students sang their worship songs and shouted their prayers to God, lifting their hands in praise and in grief over benny's death, i cried and cried and cried. i cried for benny's death, i cried because of the confusion inside me regarding my faith, i cried because i could hear one of my favorite students wailing (she was very close to benny), i cried because i thought of my love for my students and my african family, i cried because i will soon leave them, i cried because at any time i could hear that any of them have met a sudden death as did benny. i cry so much here, its ridiculous. i dont know why, but ever since i came here ive been so much more emotional than ive been in a loong time. one of my students even asked me why i'm always crying. what can i say? i have no idea. the smallest of things move me to tears. needless to say, by the time i got back home tuesday night, i was completely drained and exhausted.
on wednesday, a few of the teachers (including me) and a large group of students skipped out on school and went to "pay our last respects" to benny. his body was being kept at the hospital until that day when a group (including bibi) would set off to transport his body to his father's house on the other side of the country. we all gathered together, with benny's coffin before us. there was alot more crying and singing. in the end, they opened the coffin, and the whole group of people formed a line to "view the body." several women screamed when they saw him, throwing themselves on the ground and wailing. it was heartbreaking. and the worst part was to see the students, every single one of them crying. every single boy who had spent the last 1-4 years living with benny, even the most hard-ass of boys, had tears streaming down their faces. i know that for them, benny was played the role of a father figure in their lives as he was their caretaker while they lived at school away from home. not only that, but for many of them, benny WAS the father they never had, or he had become the father who they had lost to sickness and disease. it was obvious that benny's death was the most difficult for those students who are now orphans. it was truly a devastating day.
my time here is quickly coming to an end. i only have 3 more weeks left, and only 2 more weeks left with the students. its going to be so hard to say goodbye to everyone here. some people i have developed VERY strong attachments to. i do miss things about home and am looking forward to many things there. but mostly superficial things. the one thing i miss the most is DEFINITELY my sister. im very used to being away from her, but i miss her sooo much. the other, unimportant things i miss and am looking forward to are a variety in foods; running water with which to take showers; my car which can take me where i want to go, when i want to go there, and in short time. basically, i miss stupid things, and i know when i leave here i will miss the people with unbearable intensity.
tuesday, many, many people had come to our house for the traditional african gathering of grieving. all day as i sat and typed exams for school, i listened to this massive group of people singing songs of mourning, wailing, and crying out. needless to say, it was impossible to be there without crying, and by the end of the day i just could not stand it any more. i left to go visit my students at school because my need for escaping was necessary. once i got there, i let some of my students convince me to join them for prayer and worship. probably not the best idea if i wanted to escape grief and crying. now, because of all my struggles regarding my faith the last few years, almost everytime im in such a situation i become very emotional and cry. on this day, as the students sang their worship songs and shouted their prayers to God, lifting their hands in praise and in grief over benny's death, i cried and cried and cried. i cried for benny's death, i cried because of the confusion inside me regarding my faith, i cried because i could hear one of my favorite students wailing (she was very close to benny), i cried because i thought of my love for my students and my african family, i cried because i will soon leave them, i cried because at any time i could hear that any of them have met a sudden death as did benny. i cry so much here, its ridiculous. i dont know why, but ever since i came here ive been so much more emotional than ive been in a loong time. one of my students even asked me why i'm always crying. what can i say? i have no idea. the smallest of things move me to tears. needless to say, by the time i got back home tuesday night, i was completely drained and exhausted.
on wednesday, a few of the teachers (including me) and a large group of students skipped out on school and went to "pay our last respects" to benny. his body was being kept at the hospital until that day when a group (including bibi) would set off to transport his body to his father's house on the other side of the country. we all gathered together, with benny's coffin before us. there was alot more crying and singing. in the end, they opened the coffin, and the whole group of people formed a line to "view the body." several women screamed when they saw him, throwing themselves on the ground and wailing. it was heartbreaking. and the worst part was to see the students, every single one of them crying. every single boy who had spent the last 1-4 years living with benny, even the most hard-ass of boys, had tears streaming down their faces. i know that for them, benny was played the role of a father figure in their lives as he was their caretaker while they lived at school away from home. not only that, but for many of them, benny WAS the father they never had, or he had become the father who they had lost to sickness and disease. it was obvious that benny's death was the most difficult for those students who are now orphans. it was truly a devastating day.
my time here is quickly coming to an end. i only have 3 more weeks left, and only 2 more weeks left with the students. its going to be so hard to say goodbye to everyone here. some people i have developed VERY strong attachments to. i do miss things about home and am looking forward to many things there. but mostly superficial things. the one thing i miss the most is DEFINITELY my sister. im very used to being away from her, but i miss her sooo much. the other, unimportant things i miss and am looking forward to are a variety in foods; running water with which to take showers; my car which can take me where i want to go, when i want to go there, and in short time. basically, i miss stupid things, and i know when i leave here i will miss the people with unbearable intensity.
Monday, May 18, 2009
One Man Defies the Odds, While Another Succumbs to Them
Yesterday we celebrated babu's 75th birthday. that's a pretty big deal considering the fact that the life expectancy for men in this country is 35. he has lived a LONG, full life in which he has experienced the greatest of joys and also the most difficult of sufferings. Regardless, he walks around with a smile on his face, and his generosity is undeniable. So we had a big party at the school and the children performed dances, plays, and songs for him. We ate a ridiculous amount of food. basically, we had a great time celebrating babu's life.
One dictionary defines hope as this: "to wish or look forward to what one anticipates or expects, a reason for confidence or expectation." we had hope that benny would make a full recovery. he was improving daily. the last several times i saw him at the hospital, benny was getting better and better. we had hope. we looked forward to, anticipated, EXPECTED his recovery. benny began to speak again. he laughed at our jokes, and made jokes of his own. he recognized everyone around him, and he claimed he must have a lot of friends because he always had so many visitors. he began to eat again, requesting foods that he had missed. the last day benny was in the hospital, he even began to feed himself. we continued to have hope. friday, benny was allowed to leave the hospital. he went to his sister's house where he would be taken care of. on saturday and sunday we received news that benny continued to improve. our hope was solid. today, one of the new teachers came to talk with iwe and i as we sat on a bench at school. (iwe has replaced benny as the patron during his sickness) "you both share in the sufferings of your sick friend," he said. "yes," i replied, "but the good news is that benny is much, much better and we should see him here soon." my hope had become certainty. two hours later, albert(our driver) had come to the school to bring babu for some "business." i went to sit in the car with albert as i always do when he's at the school and i dont have a class to teach. benny used to always sit with us, and i thought that normally benny would be there with us, sitting in the car, laughing about something stupid. i looked at albert, intending to share a reminiscence of benny. albert looked sad. "nini albert?" i said. ("what albert?"--albert doesnt speak english) he shook his head. "nini," i repeated. "benny," he replied. "mbaya or nzuri?" i asked ("good or bad"?) "benny...kapoot," he said. "benny died?" i asked. Unnecessary as it may be to define such a word, "dead" is defined as: " without life or no longer living." benny will no longer eat, he will no longer laugh, he will never again see his students, and they will never again see him. benny is without life. i began to cray. albert and i looked at each other, sharing our grief. "pole sana," we both said. ("I'm so sorry for the situation") i was meant to teach my class in 20 minutes. how could i? i realized that a couple of my students had somehow heard the news, and their sobs were creating many questions among the others. i gathered my class together, and between sobs i managed to say that uncle benny had died. some of the girls cried out, the boys laid their heads on their desks and covered their faces. several more students began to cry. i spent the next hour outside, sitting on a fallen tree, crying with a group of my students. today i had to think of that book called "the audacity of hope." this means that having hope is recklessly bold action on our part. it is to dare to have something which may possibly lead to disappointment, to devastation. we have hope so that we might not have despair, or fear. we hold on to this expectancy for what may come in the future, the expectancy that the BEST is to come, and we try to believe it with reckless abandon because the pain of the possible reality is far too great. sometimes, our hope proves to be fruitful. it proves to bring us joy, happiness, contentment, satisfaction. other times, our hope is crushed, leaving us in a wake of destruction, pain, suffering, loss.
In a country, in africa, tanzania, where the life expectancy of men is 35, babuhas managed to live until 75. benny has died at 35. one man defied the odds, while another succumbed to them.
One dictionary defines hope as this: "to wish or look forward to what one anticipates or expects, a reason for confidence or expectation." we had hope that benny would make a full recovery. he was improving daily. the last several times i saw him at the hospital, benny was getting better and better. we had hope. we looked forward to, anticipated, EXPECTED his recovery. benny began to speak again. he laughed at our jokes, and made jokes of his own. he recognized everyone around him, and he claimed he must have a lot of friends because he always had so many visitors. he began to eat again, requesting foods that he had missed. the last day benny was in the hospital, he even began to feed himself. we continued to have hope. friday, benny was allowed to leave the hospital. he went to his sister's house where he would be taken care of. on saturday and sunday we received news that benny continued to improve. our hope was solid. today, one of the new teachers came to talk with iwe and i as we sat on a bench at school. (iwe has replaced benny as the patron during his sickness) "you both share in the sufferings of your sick friend," he said. "yes," i replied, "but the good news is that benny is much, much better and we should see him here soon." my hope had become certainty. two hours later, albert(our driver) had come to the school to bring babu for some "business." i went to sit in the car with albert as i always do when he's at the school and i dont have a class to teach. benny used to always sit with us, and i thought that normally benny would be there with us, sitting in the car, laughing about something stupid. i looked at albert, intending to share a reminiscence of benny. albert looked sad. "nini albert?" i said. ("what albert?"--albert doesnt speak english) he shook his head. "nini," i repeated. "benny," he replied. "mbaya or nzuri?" i asked ("good or bad"?) "benny...kapoot," he said. "benny died?" i asked. Unnecessary as it may be to define such a word, "dead" is defined as: " without life or no longer living." benny will no longer eat, he will no longer laugh, he will never again see his students, and they will never again see him. benny is without life. i began to cray. albert and i looked at each other, sharing our grief. "pole sana," we both said. ("I'm so sorry for the situation") i was meant to teach my class in 20 minutes. how could i? i realized that a couple of my students had somehow heard the news, and their sobs were creating many questions among the others. i gathered my class together, and between sobs i managed to say that uncle benny had died. some of the girls cried out, the boys laid their heads on their desks and covered their faces. several more students began to cry. i spent the next hour outside, sitting on a fallen tree, crying with a group of my students. today i had to think of that book called "the audacity of hope." this means that having hope is recklessly bold action on our part. it is to dare to have something which may possibly lead to disappointment, to devastation. we have hope so that we might not have despair, or fear. we hold on to this expectancy for what may come in the future, the expectancy that the BEST is to come, and we try to believe it with reckless abandon because the pain of the possible reality is far too great. sometimes, our hope proves to be fruitful. it proves to bring us joy, happiness, contentment, satisfaction. other times, our hope is crushed, leaving us in a wake of destruction, pain, suffering, loss.
In a country, in africa, tanzania, where the life expectancy of men is 35, babuhas managed to live until 75. benny has died at 35. one man defied the odds, while another succumbed to them.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
...........
i dont have any idea how to title this entry. no matter how much i think, nothing makes sense. last week, on tuesday, i ended up going to the hospital to get some medication because i was having this ridiculously weird and painful thing going on in my ear. turns out my canal was completely closed due to inflammation. they gave me 4 different medicines, one of which made me really sick for the remainder of the week. i forced myself to go to school (just for my class period) each day, but by the time i had walked home on thursday i thought i would die, so i skipped out on school friday. (the medicine made me incredibly weak). but anyway, that was probably the most insignificant thing about last week. what i would call the "significant" thing was much more...well...significant.
tuesday, the evening i had come back from the hospital, one of the boarding students came to tell us that benny had malaria. benny is the "patron" of the school. he is about 30 years old, and he lives with the almost 40 boys who are boarding studenets at fanaka. i spend hours at school with him everyday, and he comes over to our house every night. three people i know have had malaria in the time i've been here. the symptoms are much like the flu, only they can lead to much more serious things, including death. the three others simply had anti-malaria injections and were better within a few days. that night, we also took benny to get an anti-malaria injection, and no one was really worried about it. we came to find out the next morning that the malaria had "gone to benny's head," meaning it was very strong in his body and affecting him psychologically. he didnt know who the boys at school were, he didnt know where he was, and he didnt know who he was either. a group of people drove him to the hospital to be admitted in critical care. by that night, he was unconscious and remained that way for the whole next day. he woke up on friday, but was still unaware of what was going on around him. i didnt go to visit him until friday night since i had been sick and bibi wouldnt let me go to see him. my heart broke the second i walked into the hospital room. benny was sitting on his bed, held up by two other men. his eyes were crossed, and he was drooling. i fought my tears as hard as i could, and forced myself to cheerfully call his name the way i usually do when i see him. a smile came across his face. everyone in the room was very happy to see that because it was the first time he had smiled. bibi said, "oh my daughter, it is better that you are here to bring joy to benny." that really brought the tears forward. when they pointed to me and asked benny who i was, he slowly said "le--na." which was a huuuge step for him because he hadnt been talking or recognizing most of the people around him. the best way for me to describe his behavior and state of mind is to say that he was like a small, mentally retarded child. i saw him again on sunday. they were trying to feed him. but benny wouldnt swallow anything, and everything they put into his mouth just dripped down his chin. he would close his eyes and moan and grunt, and try to resist being fed. in less than a week he had lost SO much weight. that day he was wearing a pair of shorts that he often wore before, and they were sliding right off of him, they were huge on him. i couldnt help but think of the last time i had talked to benny, the day before he got sick. i had recently seen pictures of him in which he had been quite thin. i was teasing him about the gut he had grown. "its from ugali," he said (ugali is a very starchy food they eat ALOT of here). "noooo benny," i said "thats a beer belly. you're drinking too much beer. we have to work on losing that stomach." he laughed and hit me and we giggled like two little fools for the longest time. seeing benny so sick, so emaciated, made me cry to think of that last time we spent together. today they took him to have his brain scanned, so we'll see how that goes. it is possible that in time benny will return to normal, but it is also possible that his mind will forever be damaged. his situation has consumed my every thought and im hoping for the very best for him.
ooooh, what else. there are so many things i could mention. like people here pick their nose with no hindrance. doesnt matter where you are, or whats going on, people here will look you right in the eye and dig up their nose as though it were money they were trying to get out. some stupid invisible bugs must be in my bed because i constantly have these bites EVERYwhere when i wake up. and every night and morning im inspecting the bed sheets, or feeling small bites which are really just the outcome of paranoia. im starting to get really tired of eating the same thing everyday, and ive been daydreaming about ALL kinds of things i want to eat when i get home. some women here draw on thick eyebrows with super dark pencils and they just look ridiculous. everyday i wish to strangle the obnoxious group of men who "work" on the road i use to walk to school. if i hear "hey baby" or "give me money" one more time i'm going to punch someone in the face. the guys who work at the internet place i used have discovered my blog. solomon (one of the guys) even printed it all out to read while he rode the bus. he's sitting on the other side of the room right now, and will probably be reading this soon. im laughing. i bet he's reading this and laughing too.
im pretty sure that my dramatic, tearful episode really straightened out the students because most of them have been little angels in comparison to how they had been behaving before. today they were working in groups, and as i watched them, i teared up again, this time with bittersweet tears. i was so happy to see how well they working together, but at the same time i was overwhelmed with how much i love them and the thought of saying goodbye to them in only one month is heartbreaking. anyway, ive written so much and have probably bored you to death, so more to come in about a week i suppose. i miss you all. alot.
tuesday, the evening i had come back from the hospital, one of the boarding students came to tell us that benny had malaria. benny is the "patron" of the school. he is about 30 years old, and he lives with the almost 40 boys who are boarding studenets at fanaka. i spend hours at school with him everyday, and he comes over to our house every night. three people i know have had malaria in the time i've been here. the symptoms are much like the flu, only they can lead to much more serious things, including death. the three others simply had anti-malaria injections and were better within a few days. that night, we also took benny to get an anti-malaria injection, and no one was really worried about it. we came to find out the next morning that the malaria had "gone to benny's head," meaning it was very strong in his body and affecting him psychologically. he didnt know who the boys at school were, he didnt know where he was, and he didnt know who he was either. a group of people drove him to the hospital to be admitted in critical care. by that night, he was unconscious and remained that way for the whole next day. he woke up on friday, but was still unaware of what was going on around him. i didnt go to visit him until friday night since i had been sick and bibi wouldnt let me go to see him. my heart broke the second i walked into the hospital room. benny was sitting on his bed, held up by two other men. his eyes were crossed, and he was drooling. i fought my tears as hard as i could, and forced myself to cheerfully call his name the way i usually do when i see him. a smile came across his face. everyone in the room was very happy to see that because it was the first time he had smiled. bibi said, "oh my daughter, it is better that you are here to bring joy to benny." that really brought the tears forward. when they pointed to me and asked benny who i was, he slowly said "le--na." which was a huuuge step for him because he hadnt been talking or recognizing most of the people around him. the best way for me to describe his behavior and state of mind is to say that he was like a small, mentally retarded child. i saw him again on sunday. they were trying to feed him. but benny wouldnt swallow anything, and everything they put into his mouth just dripped down his chin. he would close his eyes and moan and grunt, and try to resist being fed. in less than a week he had lost SO much weight. that day he was wearing a pair of shorts that he often wore before, and they were sliding right off of him, they were huge on him. i couldnt help but think of the last time i had talked to benny, the day before he got sick. i had recently seen pictures of him in which he had been quite thin. i was teasing him about the gut he had grown. "its from ugali," he said (ugali is a very starchy food they eat ALOT of here). "noooo benny," i said "thats a beer belly. you're drinking too much beer. we have to work on losing that stomach." he laughed and hit me and we giggled like two little fools for the longest time. seeing benny so sick, so emaciated, made me cry to think of that last time we spent together. today they took him to have his brain scanned, so we'll see how that goes. it is possible that in time benny will return to normal, but it is also possible that his mind will forever be damaged. his situation has consumed my every thought and im hoping for the very best for him.
ooooh, what else. there are so many things i could mention. like people here pick their nose with no hindrance. doesnt matter where you are, or whats going on, people here will look you right in the eye and dig up their nose as though it were money they were trying to get out. some stupid invisible bugs must be in my bed because i constantly have these bites EVERYwhere when i wake up. and every night and morning im inspecting the bed sheets, or feeling small bites which are really just the outcome of paranoia. im starting to get really tired of eating the same thing everyday, and ive been daydreaming about ALL kinds of things i want to eat when i get home. some women here draw on thick eyebrows with super dark pencils and they just look ridiculous. everyday i wish to strangle the obnoxious group of men who "work" on the road i use to walk to school. if i hear "hey baby" or "give me money" one more time i'm going to punch someone in the face. the guys who work at the internet place i used have discovered my blog. solomon (one of the guys) even printed it all out to read while he rode the bus. he's sitting on the other side of the room right now, and will probably be reading this soon. im laughing. i bet he's reading this and laughing too.
im pretty sure that my dramatic, tearful episode really straightened out the students because most of them have been little angels in comparison to how they had been behaving before. today they were working in groups, and as i watched them, i teared up again, this time with bittersweet tears. i was so happy to see how well they working together, but at the same time i was overwhelmed with how much i love them and the thought of saying goodbye to them in only one month is heartbreaking. anyway, ive written so much and have probably bored you to death, so more to come in about a week i suppose. i miss you all. alot.
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