I've been really encouraged the past week. I've had alot of people respond to me in different ways regarding my last blog update. and its just been really encouraging. several girls have told me they know exactly how i feel or can relate to how i feel when it comes to the "jerk." in a way, thats really heart breaking. its sad to know that there are probably so many people who struggle with those feelings and issues. and at the same time, i feel like it just goes to show that we all ARE flawed, we DO all have struggles, but we dont have to face them alone because there will always be someone who understands, there will always be someone who can say "hey, me too," and thus make you feel a bit more sane. I've also heard from a lot of guys which I think is even more encouraging. almost all of them are people i havent seen or talked to in so long, and for the most part dont even know that well. but they've said such sweet, encouraging things, and have really lifted me up. i just want to thank everyone who has shown me support in one form or another. because it really means so much. and im so incredibly grateful and appreciative, and always will be.
sometimes i think my blog is such an emotional rant. i know it must seem like im falling apart, haha. but, its not really like that. i mean, i live my life, and i do so happily, i just have things i struggle with in the depths of my soul. and i know i can sometimes get really personal on my blog, and maybe honest to the point where you wonder why im even saying the things im saying. but i think there are two big reasons why i do this, and both are me making attempts to give myself FREEDOM.
first of all, my whole life, ive been closed up. it wasnt until college, and through the friends i made, that i learned how to open myself up to other people. growing up, so many traumatic things were going on in my house on a daily basis, and i was taught from an early age to keep everything "hush, hush." well, i learned that lesson well, too well. it didnt only apply to things going on at home, but this need to keep everything inside permeated to every single aspect of my life. i could NOT talk about anything personal. i literally could NOT. when it came time to do so, i literally became physically sick. nauseous, sweaty, shaky. my head would spin, my heart would pound. i could NOT tell anything anyone. i was so closed up, and so afraid. of course my insecurities didnt help at all because i was also afraid of the reaction i might get if i did share some part of myself or my story. honestly, it was torture. i lived with all my struggles, my problems, my pains, alone. sometimes, when i really wanted to share something with someone, i knew no other way to do so then to write down my feelings and sit there while the other person read them. i was a slave to myself and the walls i had built. i trapped myself within those walls. but slowly, i began to open up. i learned how to talk, how to share. now, what can i say, im an open book. and im honest, and genuine, and sincere. and if i say something, you better believe i mean it. i use this blog just to get it all out there. to share. to say, hey this is me, im being honest, and im telling you what i think/feel. its cathartic for me, and i need it. so, thats why i just lay it out there.
also, my whole life, ive had to be so strong. so perfect. i had to be the best at everything i did, and if i couldnt be the best, i was so incredibly discouraged that i gave up, or added even more to my ever growing pile of insecurities. i felt like i had to be so strong for everyone around me, especially my family. i remember being 4 or 5 years old, sitting with my mother while she wept, and even at that age i told myself, "you CANNOT cry, you have to be strong for mommy." when my friends had problems, i thought i had to be "the rock." i did my best never to show weakness or pain. trust me, i failed alot. but in my mind it was unacceptable to do so. i wanted and felt like i needed to be someone who everyone could turn to, knowing that they could lean on me without falling over. i wanted to support everyone in every way. and i thought that if i showed weakness, they would no longer trust that they could come to me and get the help they wanted. but guess what? as usual i was wrong. and i dont feel the need to be so strong anymore. i mean, i can honestly say i do believe im strong in so many ways. ive been through ALOT, more than most people have any idea about. and ive been incredibly resilient through it all. but lets face it, i DO have weaknesses. i DO have insecurities. i DO have flaws. i am by NO means perfect. and im finally ok with that. im ok with telling someone, im sorry but i failed you. im ok with admitting that i dont have it all together. honestly, i embrace the fact that ive got stuff to work on. im glad i can acknowledge and admit my weaknesses. we are not perfect. we cannot be perfect. and we cannot make it on our own. i am weak. i am flawed. i am insecure. i am vulnerable. i fail. i am not perfect. i dont have it all together. i cannot do it all alone. but thats what makes me human. so, thats another reason why i lay it all out there. i embrace all this messed up stuff about myself and im not afraid to say that it exits.
so yeah, if you want raw honesty, vulnerability, and REALITY (along with grandiose, hopeful dreams, haha) then my blog might be interesting to read. if not, youre probably bored as hell and moving on. but, this is me, as i am. and i love you, as you are.
