The past five months have been, in a sense, unbearable for me. And the past five days have brought perspective to all that I've found so unbearable.
This past weekend, Lindsay and Emily came to visit. Lindsay is from Minnesota, Emily is from Texas, and they were my next door neighbors when we studied abroad in New Zealand. It's true that my adventures and crazy times in NZ weren't spent with Lindsay and Emily (unless you count the time we snuck out of the window of our their house and ran as fast as we could across the lawn only to be caught like a deer in headlights by the automatic outdoor lights). Instead, my time with them was spent sitting, talking, and of course, eating. And I have always loved sharing this with them. And being with them, whether or not our times together were crazy, being with them takes me back to the best time in my life. In NZ i felt free, more free than I ever have. I felt peace, more peace than I ever have. Life was a never ending adventure. I did some of the most amazing things I've ever done...skydiving, swimming in a glacial lake surrounded by snow-capped mountains, hiking the gorgeous routeburn and milford sound treks. Life was easy. So carefree. We made dinner together, we watched movies, we skipped class for trips, we LIVED. And it was beautiful. What I wouldn't give to have that back. It makes my eyes well with tears just to think of it. I think NZ was the first time I lived in a way that was true to myself in every way. I grew up so much there, and I discovered who I really was, and who I wanted to be. I became ready for things I had never been ready for before. Life wasn't just something I went through, it was something I cherished. And I still feel like I took that time for granted, like I didn't realize it for all that it was at the time.
Tonight. another friend of mine, Lindsey (not to be confused with Lindsay) was in town. Lindsey was my best friend during my freshman year of college. We were inseparable, haha, just to think of it makes me smile. I hadn't seen Lindsey since her wedding 2.5 years ago. Before college, I had always had a really hard time talking about things, especially the way I felt. I think most people who know me now can say that I'm really open and honest. My friendship with Lindsey was what taught me to be that way. And we had what I thought was a beautiful conversation over dinner tonight. Because our conversation was real and honest and to me, that is beauty.
Being with these old friends and having real conversations with them, something I feel is lacking here (for the most part), really helped me bring perspective to a lot of things. And it was a relief. Something in me awoke from a long sleep. I remembered who I had been, and who I could still be. While Lindsey and i were talking tonight, I realized for the first time since I came here, that there is NOTHING I do for myself. All I do is schoolwork and go to my job. I don't hike, I don't paint, I don't read for pleasure (because who could be bothered with that after all they assign us), I don't work on learning Spanish, Italian, or Swahili anymore, I don't journal. All the things I used to love, I've let go of. And I no longer do anything I enjoy. Something else I've realized in the last five days is that I really need to get involved with the international exchange community again. Many people in my life know that this was a constant and life-changing passion for me. Something that brought meaning and joy to my life, something that brought me true friendship, and I've let it go.
For so long, I've felt like I've been buried on the beach. Under a mound of sand. And the only part of me which has been unburied, ever so slightly, is my head, struggling to find air. And I've been able to see the ocean coming closer and closer, preparing to consume and drown me with its force as I lie buried. And in the past few days, it seems that the ocean has receded, and that slowly, I'm breaking free of the sand. Piece by piece. My toes break through, my fingers break through. And soon, I hope, I will have the strength to free my whole body, to break free from the sand completely. I hope.
