Forgiveness

I've been thinking A LOT about forgiveness lately.
At this point in my life, I embrace forgiveness with every fiber of my being. I feel that all should be forgiven, no matter how ugly or hurtful. I feel like my heart loves too much to hold on to to an emotion that creates so much fear and pain. But I wasn't always that way. I once had a very hardened, unforgiving heart. Just to think back to those times reminds me of how much I suffered at my own hands because I couldn't find the will to forgive, to let go of pain I feel I had not deserved. I think about the pain my dad brought me when I was younger. I think of how my family suffered because of his addictions, of all the ugly things we had to endure. I think of how I was forced to be my mother's emotional support before I even understood what emotion was. I became an adult long before I was ever meant to. I carried the burdens of an adult world on my six year old shoulders. I had so much pain that, for the better part of my life, I felt I couldn't share with anyone, that I had to keep my life a secret. And I hated my father for it. I hated him. I told him so. I could not find forgiveness within me. I could not understand how a person could do these things to people he loved. I thought, "that's not love, right? How could it be?" And I held on to hurt and anger. For years. I held on, and I suffered.
And I don't know how, or why, but one day, I forgave him. I can't remember what I was thinking, or how it happened. But I remember letting go. I remember the freedom that was found in thinking, "Yeah, you screwed up, but I don't have to carry that with me anymore." I realized that the pain and anger and hurt that I held in my heart hurt no one but me. I suffered more because I had hate deep inside of me. It makes me cry now just to think of that burden I carried all of those years. To think of the ugliness that lived in my heart. But once I forgave him, I found the beauty in him. I appreciated him. Because only after forgiving my dad was I able to see who he really is. He is a giving, generous, affectionate, passionate man who helps the people in need around him. He accepts people, he does not pass judgment, and he always chooses to believe that people are good, despite how often they may use him or hurt him. Honestly, he is me. He is a more hurt version of me. He is a version of me that chose to turn to certain things to deal with his pain. And I cannot hold that against him.Because we all deal with our hurt and our pain in different ways, and sometimes the only way we know how to deal with it is by hurting the people we love.
The truth is that hurting people usually hurt other people. Now, when someone hurts me, I do everything I can to put myself in that person's position, to try to understand where they were coming from, what they were thinking, what they were feeling. And I understand that most of the time people do hurtful things because they are hurting, or feel confused, or feel lost somehow, or are maybe struggling to figure out who they are or what they want, and in doing so, they make poor decisions along the way. But I have found that to be angry at those people does no good. Why should I be angry? Does it change them? No. Does it make them feel bad for what they've done? Maybe. But, I don't care about that. I don't feel the need to make anyone hurt, even if that's what they've done to me. I feel the need to love. And I think the power of love is greater than the power of hate, or anger, or resentment, or revenge. Those are false powers, they are manipulations. But to love takes courage, it takes strength, it takes heart. And for me, THAT is what is real. I believe that hurting people can be most changed by love.
And so I always choose forgiveness, because that is what love would have me do. It's not always easy to forgive. It often makes you a fool in the eyes of others. I've often been accused of being too forgiving. But the hell with that. I don't care. I don't care if people think I should cut ties with those who hurt me. That is not love. And I live for love. That being said, however, I don't like the phrase "forgive and forget." Let's be honest. Who forgets getting hurt by people they love? Probably no one. And I don't think we should forget. I think we should remember those times because that's what should make us think twice about hurting the people that we love. But there is a big difference between remembering and holding on. While I think we should remember the pains we've suffered, I do not think we should hold on to them. I feel a more appropriate phrase would be "forgive and let go." You can remember the hurtful times, but you don't have to hold on to the hurt. I feel that we should forgive people, and by doing so, we should let go of our hurt, our anger, our bitterness.
I have always believed that all people deserve love, acceptance, and the feeling that they are valuable and worthy. Yet my whole life I have denied myself those things.I have told myself that while everyone else may deserve them, I do not. It has really only been about a year since I started believing what I've been told by others for so long...that I deserve good things, too. I do. I deserve to be cared about, to be appreciated, to be respected. We ALL deserve that. Even people who hurt other people deserve that. And love, respect, appreciation, value, etc, can be found in forgiveness. I urge you all to look within yourselves and find the courage to forgive those who have hurt you and to let go of the pain that you've held on to. You will find freedom. You will find joy. And you will find that there is a love deep inside of you that has been buried by burdens that have only hurt you even more than that person that you have resented for so long.

τυφλές ελπίδες και ραγισμένες καρδιές

Last Thursday I was walking around campus in the dark, listening to Greek music, and feeling the October chill of Colorado creep across my skin as I thought about life, love, brokenness, freedom, security, the need for adventure (and so much more). The combination of my thoughts and the song I was listening to kept bringing a phrase to mind (one of my own making), "τυφλές ελπίδες και ραγισμένες καρδιές," or "blind hopes and broken hearts." I'm not sure what prompted these thoughts, perhaps my own sense of changing tides that I felt approaching in my life. I somehow always know when these pivotal moments are looming, and I think I subconsciously begin mentally preparing myself for them. But I really thought so much about how we blindly hope for good in our lives, and in other people. I do at least. I feel like I can find beauty anywhere, even in brokenness and hurt, in suffering. And I long to see that beauty and that goodness everywhere. I go into all situations with trust, even after having been shown time and time again that people are usually untrustworthy. I go into all situations believing that somewhere, deep inside, all people's hearts hold beauty, even when they show me time and time again the ugliness that is capable of coming out from within. I go into situations believing that the best can come out of them, no matter what. Basically, I go into every situation blindly, with blind hopes. Believing, Having faith, Trusting, Loving Unconditionally. And the truth is, I often walk away with a broken heart. Because not everyone sees the world as I do, not everyone sees people as I do. There's an odd contradiction in the fact that I am completely aware of my naïveté about the world. I see the world and its people clearly through my head, but I always choose to live through my heart, disregarding all that I know logically. I may blindly hope in good and beauty, I may walk away brokenhearted, BUT I also always walk away feeling that I've found meaning, strength, and a renewed sense of the world's possibilities. I feel sure that what I'm saying doesn't make sense to most people, but this is the rambling of a dreamer, of a feeler, of a lover, someone who is often scolded for giving too much, forgiving too easily, and loving too innocently. I'm not sure if I'm going anywhere with this, or if I have a point. Likely not. Maybe my point is that sometimes I sort of knowingly set myself up for disappointment, and because I feel things so deeply, I can easily be battered by life, BUT, because I choose to believe in love, in good, in beauty, I feel like I always come out on top. Like my life always finds a way to embrace the world and emanate the beauty that IS there. And while there are few things I would claim to love about myself, I think this is one of them. I think I always consciously attempt to choose passion over apathy, risk over security, experience over mundaneness, freedom over inhibition...and I think my life has been more rich, more full, more beautiful, and just simply GOOD because of it. :)