My spirit is tired. Tired of loving. Tired of giving. Tired of forgiving. Tired of being taken advantage of. Tired of being taken for granted. Tired of being disrespected. My spirit is exhausted, really. And my heart is broken. I want to fall apart. I don’t want to be strong all the time. I don’t see any need in pretending that I’m invincible in any kind of way. I know I’m not, and I see no need in pretending that I am. But I sometimes feel that I have to do so. I sometimes feel like I have to pretend that I’m not fazed by the broken hearts and spirits I see around me. I say they’re broken because they hurt and disrespect others so easily, so freely. I don’t want to be one of those people, so I continue to love, to forgive, to remain steadfastly dedicated to those I care about. But why? Why do I continue to do that? What am I fighting for? Who am I fighting for? I find myself often fighting so hard for people that aren’t willing to fight alongside me. I find myself often fighting for things long after they’re already dead. Why? All my life I’ve believed that all people deserve to be loved and deserve to be shown their worth and value. And the most heartbreaking times in my life are when I question that belief. When I wonder if people really are worth fighting for, when I wonder if people really do deserve my love, when I wonder if people really do deserve to be treated as though they’re valuable and worthy. I hate reaching a point of jadedness in which I simply want to give up on the people around me. I hate feeling like it’s time to let go and decide that someone is no longer worth my time and love. There’s a war within me…between loving others unconditionally and loving myself at the same time. How do I find balance between the two? Sometimes it feels impossible. I’ve never been good at loving myself. I seem to always sacrifice my own happiness, even my own sanity, for the sake of others…in attempts to make them happy, in attempts to help them maintain their own sanity in the crazy world around them. But it just leads to my own brokenness. And then I fall apart. My spirit tires, and it soon breaks. And that’s where I find myself again, tired and broken. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I feel resentment. I so often tell myself these are emotions I don’t want in my life, that these are things I don’t want to feel. But I do. I feel them. They are here, whether I want them or not. And maybe I need to embrace these negative emotions just as strongly as I embrace the positive. Maybe only then I will learn to love myself, to protect myself, to require respect from others. I sometimes wish my heart was a little harder, but it’s just not. Not at all. I sometimes wonder what made me this way. I think I know, but sometimes I resent that aspect of myself because I’m tired of being tired. My spirit is tired of feeling broken and pained.
Regardless, I am who I am. And up until this point I have not wavered in being a lover, a forgiver…one who appreciates, one who looks for the best in all people, one who chooses to have faith, one who gives the benefit of the doubt, one who accepts others no matter where they might be. I have tried to be respectful and to live a life that I hope others can appreciate and would wish to emulate. I have tried to be pure toward others and in my intentions with all people. I have tried to trust that there is more than meets the eye. I have given of myself not necessarily because others deserve it, but because this is what I believe is life’s greatest joy. I may hurt, but I will not give up. “March on. Do not tarry. To go forward is to move toward perfection. March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life's path.” Khalil Gibran
