This last month has been kind of a strange time for me. I've done a lot of thinking, gone through a lot of transition and change. Big things happened my last few weeks in Africa, coming back here has been a struggle in some ways, and I continue to think, think, think about everything. And there are really some things that have come to the surface lately, things that i've pulled up from deep down inside of me. things ive pushed away and tried not to acknowledge. but what can i say, i have to face the truth and i have to admit that i have realized and learned some serious things about myself that i NEED to rectify.
i went to church yesterday. probably the first time in about two years. thats a big deal, especially for someone like me who used to live the kind of life i did, a life completely dedicated to church. pastor chip was speaking, which was my main motivation for going. i relate to him, i trust him, i always learn a lot from him. and what he was talking about was resonating SO strongly within me regarding all the things ive been learning lately. it was as though he opened my brain, took my thoughts right out, and gave a sermon on them. he talked alot about the fears and insecurities and lies that we've held on to since childhood that have made us feel like we shouldnt be happy. thats what ive been dealing with lately.
i wrote in one of my first blog posts that i feel like i dont deserve to be loved. and its true. i do feel that way. i know where that comes from, and i have for a long time. i think so many of my insecurities come from a life of feeling like i couldnt do anything right. feeling like nothing was quite good enough. that i always had to push myself one step further, even if there were no more steps ahead. ive been made fun of and mocked, because im so sensitive and certain types of people really like to get me riled up. over time, these small lies have buried themselves deep into my heart. these lies tell me im ugly, im stupid, im worthless, i can try all i want but ill never quite be good enough. these lies hold me back from so many things, because even though i can look at them and acknowledge them as lies, i have allowed myself to live my life as though they were truth. i feel like im not worthy of truly being loved, so when someone starts to give me that, i push it away, i push them away. its funny how easily i lose patience with the people most dedicated to me, how easily i put down those who support me the most, how easily i hurt those who are so selfless with me. and yet, the people who manipulate me, who lie to me, who treat me like i really am worthless, those are the people for whom i have endless patience, endless love, they are the people i never stop fighting for. and it makes NO sense.
Pastor chip was talking about how the lie he had believed in his life for so long was that he was lazy and would never amount to anything. and so when he accomplished something great, and was rewarded for it, he did all he could to jeopardize that reward, to push it away and give it up. and thats how it is for me with love. i feel like i dont deserve it, and so i push it away. like pastor chip said, we would rather be right than happy. if happiness comes from the things that we have come to believe we dont deserve, we push that happiness away so that we follow what we "believe." I have this HUGE heart that takes everyone in and wants to love everyone, but theres one person i refuse to let into my heart, and thats myself. i dont say that to sound so selfless and giving. i think its a flaw i have, a very big one. i put everyone into my heart except myself. i give everyone love except myself. but its not in a selfless way. its in a very self-damaging way. i deprive myself of something i need. nigel was really good and showing me that. he was really good at slapping me in the face til i got my head on straight, so to speak. i know nigel loved me alot, but i think thats one thing that really drove him crazy about me. i wouldnt let myself be happy. "kiddo, whatre you doing," he would say. "youre being stupid. you gotta look out for you sometimes. you cant always worry about everyone elses happiness, because then youre never happy. who cares if so and so doesnt have ride to walmart. so what if you dont cook dinner for so and so. just look out for yourself SOMETIMES." and he was right. and only he knew how to make me take a step back and remember that i might actually be KIND OF important, too. i miss him in times like these. wish he was around. wish i could call him and tell him all the foolish thoughts in my head. he knew better than anyone how to displace the lies in me that ive come to believe.
and although ive known these things about myself for so long, what ive really been learning lately is just what a stronghold these thoughts have over me in relationships, romantic relationships in particular. something in me is so attracted to the JERK. the guy who is really a total loser, but uses his confidence and charm and sweet little lies to manipulate me. those are the guys who give me butterflies, who keep me wanting more, who keep my by the phone waiting for the next call. theyre also the guys who have NONE of the qualities i really want in a person that i share my life with. but i realized something, those butterflies, those anxious, nervous feelings, that are REALLY fruits of insecurity; i have come to associate those things with having feelings for someone. so when im with the "good guy," the guy who makes me feel loved, cared about, taken care of, comfortable, the guy who has all those qualities i want, then the insecurity isnt there. there is no anxiousness, there is no nervousness, and somehow, over time, ive told myself that if i dont get those feelings, then it means that i dont have a romantic connection with that person. and thats just stupid. because then what do i do. i push that amazing person away because theyre too good to me. theyre giving me love i dont deserve. and im TELLING myself, whether its true or not, that my feelings for that person are not real. that i need to be anxious, and nervous, and have butterflies to feel a romantic connection. but really, i only have those feelings with the people who are going to hurt me, and i feel that way with them, because i KNOW they are going to hurt me. and because ive allowed myself to believe i deserve to be hurt, thats what i allow myself to experience. and its sooo scary to me. i HAVE to work through this. i HAVE to let myself be loved. i HAVE to stop giving into the jerks. because i will spend my life in misery. and my greatest fear is that i will marry someone like my father. i love my father, but if i willingly place my life and my heart in the hands of a man like that, i will be a FOOL. but thats exactly what im afraid of. i have walked away from some of the best guys i have ever known, and will ever know, because i think i dont deserve them. my last ex-boyfriend was amazing. he really was. and he was pretty much the most perfect person in the world for me. and he loved me more sincerely and genuinely than i believe anyone ever has. and i was HAPPY with him. i was. and what did i do? i ran away from it, i pushed it all away. and its been crazy dealing with all my feelings about it, because its hard to say what i even do feel. im a simple enough person to the rest of the world, but inside, i am chaos. my heart is a jumbled mess of contradicting foolishness, and i never know what to do or which way to let my heart take me.
somehow ive even started to wonder if this is the same reason i ended up pushing God away. maybe, as little doubts began to creep into me, as i started to believe the lies of people around me, i started to also believe that my perception of God was just too good to be true. i had always known that i didnt deserve Gods love or grace. i had always known it was something given to me completely aside from myself. Ephesians 2:8-10..."God saved you by his grace when you believed. and you cant take credit for this; it is a gift from God. salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are Gods masterpiece..." i always knew i didnt deserve Gods love, but i accepted it anyway. somehow, i got to a place where i couldnt accept that either. where i pushed it away, and now i tell myself i dont deserve to have it back. pastor chip said we shouldnt base our sense of who we are on other hurt, flawed human beings. and hes right. because thats what ive done. ive let other peoples lies dictate my sense of self. i have ALSO let my sense of God be based on other hurt, flawed human beings. and that has been one of my greatest mistakes. over time ive allowed my perception of God to be based on the many imperfect human beings who claim, and some who try, to serve him.
i dont know how im gonna get past all this. i think its going to take a lot of time and a lot of work. pastor chip also said that the greatest sin of all is independence, thinking that we can do by ourselves what we were never meant to do by ourselves. i KNOW that the only way i can dispel these lies from my life, and the only way i can allow myself to accept love, is to let God take control and allow my beliefs to be shaped by His truth. I have to BELIEVE that i AM his masterpiece like ephesians 2:10 tells me. but, its going to be hard. because ive pushed God away for so long and there is still something in me fighting SO hard to continue to do so. and even though i want to be the person i was, with the life i had, and the beliefs i once held, im still really confused and i dont know how to let myself accept all those things once again.
ugh, its all so complicated. and im tired of thinking about it, and tired of trying to figure it all out. i want peace. i do. but its gonna take a lot to get there. and i will continue to hurt myself, and worse, i will continue to hurt other people if i dont figure things out, let some things go, and place truth at the center of my heart.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Refelctions on Africa
I've been back for about a week now, which is just so weird to think about. I was relieved to come home, and happy to see my family. But it's hard to think of the family I left behind. i really did have a home there, and always will, and i felt like i belonged there, that i was one of them. as much as i hated being called "mzungu," it's what i thought when i saw white people, as though they were something different from me. readjustment has been much "smoother" than i expected. not as much reverse culture shock as i anticipated. there's still some of it there for sure, and i have moments in time, especially when im with groups of people, where i totally zone out and place myself back in tanzania. its hard, because it seems like so many things here are so trivial in comparison to the lives led in tanzania. but i also knew that i would feel that way, so i think i had really prepared myself mentally for the transition.
its definitely hard to be away from everyone, and not just because i had become so used to being with them, or because i loved their company, but also because im so disconnected from the everyday simplicities of their lives and even the big, monumental things of their lives. i worry that if something big happens there, no one will let me know. and thats hard. i dont think they would have contacted cassie when benny died, i think she only knew because i called her. and that worries me. what if something big like that happens and no one informs me. thats the hardest thing about being back. worrying. worrying about all the possibilities. life there is hard for them, and its full of pain and suffering and trials. and i hate being so far away from them all. i hate feeling like im not there to do all i can to fight for their well being. its heartbreaking, really. i called lusekelo this past weekend. ive mentioned him in the blog before, but he was by far my favorite person, the person i spent the most time with, and the person my heart became most connected and attached to. when i called, we were cut off, and were not able to get back in touch. but i was able to hear him say three words..."hello...i'm fine!" that was enough to make me cry. the sound of his voice brought so many emotions. i felt joy and excitement, i felt longing and heartache, i felt so very far away from him, but at the same time so close. i have tears in my eyes now as i write this. every time i drive my car, i wish that lusekelo was beside me, staring in awe at all the things around us, singing to me as he always did. he really wanted to go to school, but i worry he wont pursue that dream without me there to push and encourage him. i worry about my students. i worry about their futures. some of them completely lack motivation, and those who have motivation completely lack the means to pursue their dreams. its hard to be so far away and not know when i will go back. and then even if i go back, many of them may have moved on, and it may be hard to find them.
it was good to have some time this weekend with my friend mel who spent some time in kenya. she and i have very similar hearts, and we had very similar experiences in africa. sharing that with her was just really nice. it was good because she understood what i'd lived through, she understood how i felt, and she has a love for that place and those people as i do. of course, not everyone understands, or even CAN understand how it was to live there, how it was to watch people suffer, and as a result suffer with them. a couple of my friends were making "black" jokes a few nights ago. honestly, i think they were doing it on purpose because they knew i had just been living with "black people." i think in their own weird way they though they were connecting with me, or maybe they were even trying to rile me up because that wouldnt surprise me at all. but thats exactly what it did, rile me up. inside, i was angry, i was hurt, i was heartbroken. on the outside, i just shut down. i was quiet, i was clearly unhappy to be where i was. i mean, ive always hated racist jokes, but now my connection to "black people" is stronger and deeper than it ever was before. sure, the people here are not the same people i was with in tanzania, but they ARE connected. its amazing after spending time in africa how clearly i can see the culture which has been carried over and maintained through the african americans here. they are still very much "african." and for 3 months, so was i. those people were, and are, an irreplaceable piece of my heart and soul. i lived with them; i taught them; they taught me; i rode the bus with them; i cooked and ate with them; i watered crops with them; i sang with them; i prayed with them; i laughed with them; i cried with them; i watched them be beat by their mothers, fathers, husbands; i watched them die....i knew them, as though i always had. there are so many things about them that will forever be a mystery to me. i will never know all the stories behind the awful scars they carry. i will never know all the hurt they've endured. i loved many orphans, but i dont know what it was like for them to lose their parents. i dont know how it feels to be raped by someone who's supposed to protect me. i dont know what it feels like to find out i have AIDS. maybe i dont know all the details, but i know that the connection i felt with them, and that the love i have for them, is REAL and it is STRONG and it will last a LIFETIME.
there are so many things i miss about my life there. so many. i miss seeing the house girls every morning, and the way they always greeted me. i miss the way bibi called me "daughter" and babu called me "mama" (because his mother's name was also helen). i miss walking down the dusty road to school. i miss the small girl who said "shikamoo mzungu" to me every morning. i miss the way ngola always said "whats up?" i miss going to get chapati from mama sophie. i miss playing with donny, and how he cried and ran after me every time i left him. i miss seeing francis' HUGE heart and how he always gave his friends the cookies he bought at the school store. i miss allen's dimples, even though that kid drove me CRAZY. i miss how sharifah and sophia clung to me. i miss going to prayer/worship with my students, even though all it did was create a flood of tears in me. i miss the way lusekelo sang "kiss me through the phoooone", and how he rode the bus with me every time i needed to go to town. i miss the way iwe says "how are the things" and "lena, karibu chakula." i miss eating sweet popcorn with elly. i miss the way rama laughed every time he looked at me. i miss benny, period; i just miss him. i miss the small kids at ELA and how they played with my hair and touched my skin, and screamed with excitement every time they saw me. i even miss that rice, as much as i ate it. i miss the way albert and i communicated. i miss chai in the evenings with bibi and babu. i miss watching second chance. i miss catching shukuru staring at me every time i was in the staff room, haha. i miss so much. how could i ever write it all. i know, without a doubt, then when i go back, no matter when it may be, EVERYthing will be different there. it always is. every day changes so much. even though every day held exactly the same routine, things never were the same. life changing things happen everyday there, but you just carry on and live life normally, because thats all you can do, there is no other choice. you do what you have to in order to survive. no questions asked. looking back, hearing stories from other people, there was a day in tanzania when i really could have lost my life. in all seriousness, had the slightest thing gone differently in that situation, albert and i may have lost our lives. it feels surreal to say that, as though it couldnt have possibly happened. but the possibility of it happening, is just as real as me sitting here typing this. and thats why i worry. because the situation albert and i found ourselves in on that particular night, is the type of thing that tanzanians find themselves in every single day. something in me did change there, without a doubt. but somehow, i feel like a part of me resisted it all. and as much as that place stole my heart, there was a part of me that i refused to give. and i wanted to, and i wish i had, and even more so, i wish i COULD. but the piece of me that stayed untouched was the piece of me that has been numb for 2 years now. i wanted africa to consume that part of me. but i didnt let it. i know what im saying makes absolutely no sense, but i know what im talking about, and maybe thats all that matters.
Being there, in africa, in tanzania, was a crazy experience. it was hard, it was fun, it was scary, it was sad, it was exciting. i dont think its possible to understand it without going. and i hope you do. for your own sake, i hope you allow yourself to see what life is like there. and i hope that you can love, and be loved, in the way that i loved and was loved. its a beautiful place with beautiful people. there is pain, there is loss; but there is LOVE. and it leads to hope. and thats all they have. hope. they wouldnt survive otherwise.
its definitely hard to be away from everyone, and not just because i had become so used to being with them, or because i loved their company, but also because im so disconnected from the everyday simplicities of their lives and even the big, monumental things of their lives. i worry that if something big happens there, no one will let me know. and thats hard. i dont think they would have contacted cassie when benny died, i think she only knew because i called her. and that worries me. what if something big like that happens and no one informs me. thats the hardest thing about being back. worrying. worrying about all the possibilities. life there is hard for them, and its full of pain and suffering and trials. and i hate being so far away from them all. i hate feeling like im not there to do all i can to fight for their well being. its heartbreaking, really. i called lusekelo this past weekend. ive mentioned him in the blog before, but he was by far my favorite person, the person i spent the most time with, and the person my heart became most connected and attached to. when i called, we were cut off, and were not able to get back in touch. but i was able to hear him say three words..."hello...i'm fine!" that was enough to make me cry. the sound of his voice brought so many emotions. i felt joy and excitement, i felt longing and heartache, i felt so very far away from him, but at the same time so close. i have tears in my eyes now as i write this. every time i drive my car, i wish that lusekelo was beside me, staring in awe at all the things around us, singing to me as he always did. he really wanted to go to school, but i worry he wont pursue that dream without me there to push and encourage him. i worry about my students. i worry about their futures. some of them completely lack motivation, and those who have motivation completely lack the means to pursue their dreams. its hard to be so far away and not know when i will go back. and then even if i go back, many of them may have moved on, and it may be hard to find them.
it was good to have some time this weekend with my friend mel who spent some time in kenya. she and i have very similar hearts, and we had very similar experiences in africa. sharing that with her was just really nice. it was good because she understood what i'd lived through, she understood how i felt, and she has a love for that place and those people as i do. of course, not everyone understands, or even CAN understand how it was to live there, how it was to watch people suffer, and as a result suffer with them. a couple of my friends were making "black" jokes a few nights ago. honestly, i think they were doing it on purpose because they knew i had just been living with "black people." i think in their own weird way they though they were connecting with me, or maybe they were even trying to rile me up because that wouldnt surprise me at all. but thats exactly what it did, rile me up. inside, i was angry, i was hurt, i was heartbroken. on the outside, i just shut down. i was quiet, i was clearly unhappy to be where i was. i mean, ive always hated racist jokes, but now my connection to "black people" is stronger and deeper than it ever was before. sure, the people here are not the same people i was with in tanzania, but they ARE connected. its amazing after spending time in africa how clearly i can see the culture which has been carried over and maintained through the african americans here. they are still very much "african." and for 3 months, so was i. those people were, and are, an irreplaceable piece of my heart and soul. i lived with them; i taught them; they taught me; i rode the bus with them; i cooked and ate with them; i watered crops with them; i sang with them; i prayed with them; i laughed with them; i cried with them; i watched them be beat by their mothers, fathers, husbands; i watched them die....i knew them, as though i always had. there are so many things about them that will forever be a mystery to me. i will never know all the stories behind the awful scars they carry. i will never know all the hurt they've endured. i loved many orphans, but i dont know what it was like for them to lose their parents. i dont know how it feels to be raped by someone who's supposed to protect me. i dont know what it feels like to find out i have AIDS. maybe i dont know all the details, but i know that the connection i felt with them, and that the love i have for them, is REAL and it is STRONG and it will last a LIFETIME.
there are so many things i miss about my life there. so many. i miss seeing the house girls every morning, and the way they always greeted me. i miss the way bibi called me "daughter" and babu called me "mama" (because his mother's name was also helen). i miss walking down the dusty road to school. i miss the small girl who said "shikamoo mzungu" to me every morning. i miss the way ngola always said "whats up?" i miss going to get chapati from mama sophie. i miss playing with donny, and how he cried and ran after me every time i left him. i miss seeing francis' HUGE heart and how he always gave his friends the cookies he bought at the school store. i miss allen's dimples, even though that kid drove me CRAZY. i miss how sharifah and sophia clung to me. i miss going to prayer/worship with my students, even though all it did was create a flood of tears in me. i miss the way lusekelo sang "kiss me through the phoooone", and how he rode the bus with me every time i needed to go to town. i miss the way iwe says "how are the things" and "lena, karibu chakula." i miss eating sweet popcorn with elly. i miss the way rama laughed every time he looked at me. i miss benny, period; i just miss him. i miss the small kids at ELA and how they played with my hair and touched my skin, and screamed with excitement every time they saw me. i even miss that rice, as much as i ate it. i miss the way albert and i communicated. i miss chai in the evenings with bibi and babu. i miss watching second chance. i miss catching shukuru staring at me every time i was in the staff room, haha. i miss so much. how could i ever write it all. i know, without a doubt, then when i go back, no matter when it may be, EVERYthing will be different there. it always is. every day changes so much. even though every day held exactly the same routine, things never were the same. life changing things happen everyday there, but you just carry on and live life normally, because thats all you can do, there is no other choice. you do what you have to in order to survive. no questions asked. looking back, hearing stories from other people, there was a day in tanzania when i really could have lost my life. in all seriousness, had the slightest thing gone differently in that situation, albert and i may have lost our lives. it feels surreal to say that, as though it couldnt have possibly happened. but the possibility of it happening, is just as real as me sitting here typing this. and thats why i worry. because the situation albert and i found ourselves in on that particular night, is the type of thing that tanzanians find themselves in every single day. something in me did change there, without a doubt. but somehow, i feel like a part of me resisted it all. and as much as that place stole my heart, there was a part of me that i refused to give. and i wanted to, and i wish i had, and even more so, i wish i COULD. but the piece of me that stayed untouched was the piece of me that has been numb for 2 years now. i wanted africa to consume that part of me. but i didnt let it. i know what im saying makes absolutely no sense, but i know what im talking about, and maybe thats all that matters.
Being there, in africa, in tanzania, was a crazy experience. it was hard, it was fun, it was scary, it was sad, it was exciting. i dont think its possible to understand it without going. and i hope you do. for your own sake, i hope you allow yourself to see what life is like there. and i hope that you can love, and be loved, in the way that i loved and was loved. its a beautiful place with beautiful people. there is pain, there is loss; but there is LOVE. and it leads to hope. and thats all they have. hope. they wouldnt survive otherwise.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
The End is Here
I can't believe im wrapping up my last week in tanzania. its now tuesday, and im leaving on sunday. i cant even believe the time has come and gone. even as i sit and write this, tears are welling up in my eyes. honestly, its the first time in my life ive ever felt the effects of homesickness, but that by no means doesnt mean that i havent fallen in love with this place and these people, and my heart breaks to think of leaving it all for an indefinite amount of time.
friday was my last day at the school, my last day with my students. earlier that week i set out with bibi to buy gifts for my students and the men/women who live at my house. I wanted to buy belts, kongas, collared shirts, earrings, etc. so, as is to be expected, the people in the markets were trying to rip me off. REALLY rip me off. but bibi and i were using some hardcore bargaining skills. we wouldnt let them get the best of us. at one pf the places i was trying to buy shirts, bibi started lecturing the guys about trying to rip me off. she said i was buying gifts for people, many of which were orphans, and they should have respect that i was trying to do good for their brothers and sisters (because after all, everyone considers themselves to be family here). One girl, about my age, was sitting nearby. She said she was an orphan and she knew the importance of what i was doing and she offered me 5,000 shillings to go towards the gifts i was buying. honestly, that was probably alot of money for her to give, and i was SOOO touched by her selflessness amongst all the cheating, that i just began to weep right there in front of everyone. oh lord. i cant emphasize enough how much ive cried in this country. bibi held me and said, "dont you feel bad, she's just a good girl with a kind heart like you." We got her phone number, and im planning on leaving a good bit of money for her which bibi will give to her. so yeah, i gave the gifts to my students, and come friday, many of them had gotten me gifts and written me goodbye letters. it was VERY sweet. when i was saying goodbye to them, i told them about the story of the girl who gave me the money. i told them i had been so hard on them all term because i wanted them to be like that woman, and not like the men who were trying to cheat me. of course, that made me cry too because i couldnt help but think of the things some of those kids are going to become involved in.
You know, i love to travel because i love to see how other people live, and i love to meet different kinds of people from different cultures. and by doing so, not only do i see the differences that society and culture have created within people, but i also see that all people are basically the same everywhere. it seems that there IS something innate within us, and while we behave differently, perceive the world differently, have different customs and traditions, we all share something, and we are not SO different. Here, i often complain about laziness, selfishness, illogical decisions. at home, in america, i complain about ignorance and materialism. as of course, the truth is, there are corrupt, rude, selfish, and lazy people everywhere. but there are also good, kind, generous, selfless, sacrificial, loving people everywhere. Just like the girl who offered her 5,000 shillings. and despite many things i see here which i consider to be flaws and the reason this country remains poverty-stricken, i also see beautiful, loving, tightly-knit kinship. despite the "fools" ive come to know here, ive also come to know the kindest, most giving and loving people, and many of them are now my family. Last week, bibi was trying to buy me a gift and i argued and argued with her, just as i would with my own grandmother. I said that bibi and babu had already given me far too much; a safe, loving place to stay, food for 3 months, lots of toilet paper, rides everywhere (so much expensive gas), so so much. bibi said, "and we would gladly give you so much more. you are our daughter now. since the day you came here, you became a part of our family, you became one of us and you always will be. you will always be our daughter, and we will always love you as one." im so blessed to be where i am, and with this family.
Of course, as ive mentioned before, my faith has been a constant contemplation here. A while ago, i saw "angels and demons" at the cinema. there was something i liked in that movie. at one point, a priest asked tom hanks if he believed in God. He said something, and then the priest said, "i didnt ask you if you believe in what man says about God, i asked if you believed in God." This is so relevant to how ive been feeling. the doubts ive had are mostly due to man's perceptions of God; to how culturally relevant God is to the people of the ancient near east; to how we've taken things they likely meant as metaphors and made them doctrinal truth. these are things which i doubt. i doubt what man has said about God. i think in my heart, i know God is real, that he exists. i can FEEL a purpose in creation, i can FEEL something divine amongst pain and suffering. The other night, my friends elly and ramadhan were talking, and rama said, "if only everyone had a loving heart just like yours elly, then what a wonderful place the world would be." but would it? if we were ALL loving, giving, kind, considerate, then where would the beauty in that be? compassion wouldnt be moving or touching, compassion wouldnt be redemptive. if we were all the same, if our hearts and characters were all made the same, we wouldnt have a choice to be the people we are, we wouldnt CHOOSE kindness or ill will, loving or hating, selflesness or selfishness, sacrifice or greed. but we do choose. we can choose. and doesnt the fact that we have a choice mean something? thats what i had always thought in my "days of faith." God has not made us into robots who thoughtlessly serve him. we dont operate like machinery with no will. we have choice. righteous living is a choice, and its a choice that takes effort. and then of course, if i am to say such things, there are people who will undoubtably argue that we DONT have a choice. Free will vs. predetermination/predestination. and so here, we see the differences in what man says about God. so what makes any of us think we are right? why is our perception of God more valid than the next? if five people can interpret a verse, in any religious work, in five different ways, then with what audacity to we claim our perception to be more valid than others? we say we know because of conviction. did the muslims who killed themselves and thousands others on 9-11 not have conviction? of course they did. we each claim to have valid ideas, and yet we are each such flawed human beings. if we are so flawed, what makes us think that our ideas and perceptions are not also flawed? we can believe WHATEVER we want to about God, we can accept whichever perceptions of man we choose, but that doesnt mean that ANY of us are right.
friday was my last day at the school, my last day with my students. earlier that week i set out with bibi to buy gifts for my students and the men/women who live at my house. I wanted to buy belts, kongas, collared shirts, earrings, etc. so, as is to be expected, the people in the markets were trying to rip me off. REALLY rip me off. but bibi and i were using some hardcore bargaining skills. we wouldnt let them get the best of us. at one pf the places i was trying to buy shirts, bibi started lecturing the guys about trying to rip me off. she said i was buying gifts for people, many of which were orphans, and they should have respect that i was trying to do good for their brothers and sisters (because after all, everyone considers themselves to be family here). One girl, about my age, was sitting nearby. She said she was an orphan and she knew the importance of what i was doing and she offered me 5,000 shillings to go towards the gifts i was buying. honestly, that was probably alot of money for her to give, and i was SOOO touched by her selflessness amongst all the cheating, that i just began to weep right there in front of everyone. oh lord. i cant emphasize enough how much ive cried in this country. bibi held me and said, "dont you feel bad, she's just a good girl with a kind heart like you." We got her phone number, and im planning on leaving a good bit of money for her which bibi will give to her. so yeah, i gave the gifts to my students, and come friday, many of them had gotten me gifts and written me goodbye letters. it was VERY sweet. when i was saying goodbye to them, i told them about the story of the girl who gave me the money. i told them i had been so hard on them all term because i wanted them to be like that woman, and not like the men who were trying to cheat me. of course, that made me cry too because i couldnt help but think of the things some of those kids are going to become involved in.
You know, i love to travel because i love to see how other people live, and i love to meet different kinds of people from different cultures. and by doing so, not only do i see the differences that society and culture have created within people, but i also see that all people are basically the same everywhere. it seems that there IS something innate within us, and while we behave differently, perceive the world differently, have different customs and traditions, we all share something, and we are not SO different. Here, i often complain about laziness, selfishness, illogical decisions. at home, in america, i complain about ignorance and materialism. as of course, the truth is, there are corrupt, rude, selfish, and lazy people everywhere. but there are also good, kind, generous, selfless, sacrificial, loving people everywhere. Just like the girl who offered her 5,000 shillings. and despite many things i see here which i consider to be flaws and the reason this country remains poverty-stricken, i also see beautiful, loving, tightly-knit kinship. despite the "fools" ive come to know here, ive also come to know the kindest, most giving and loving people, and many of them are now my family. Last week, bibi was trying to buy me a gift and i argued and argued with her, just as i would with my own grandmother. I said that bibi and babu had already given me far too much; a safe, loving place to stay, food for 3 months, lots of toilet paper, rides everywhere (so much expensive gas), so so much. bibi said, "and we would gladly give you so much more. you are our daughter now. since the day you came here, you became a part of our family, you became one of us and you always will be. you will always be our daughter, and we will always love you as one." im so blessed to be where i am, and with this family.
Of course, as ive mentioned before, my faith has been a constant contemplation here. A while ago, i saw "angels and demons" at the cinema. there was something i liked in that movie. at one point, a priest asked tom hanks if he believed in God. He said something, and then the priest said, "i didnt ask you if you believe in what man says about God, i asked if you believed in God." This is so relevant to how ive been feeling. the doubts ive had are mostly due to man's perceptions of God; to how culturally relevant God is to the people of the ancient near east; to how we've taken things they likely meant as metaphors and made them doctrinal truth. these are things which i doubt. i doubt what man has said about God. i think in my heart, i know God is real, that he exists. i can FEEL a purpose in creation, i can FEEL something divine amongst pain and suffering. The other night, my friends elly and ramadhan were talking, and rama said, "if only everyone had a loving heart just like yours elly, then what a wonderful place the world would be." but would it? if we were ALL loving, giving, kind, considerate, then where would the beauty in that be? compassion wouldnt be moving or touching, compassion wouldnt be redemptive. if we were all the same, if our hearts and characters were all made the same, we wouldnt have a choice to be the people we are, we wouldnt CHOOSE kindness or ill will, loving or hating, selflesness or selfishness, sacrifice or greed. but we do choose. we can choose. and doesnt the fact that we have a choice mean something? thats what i had always thought in my "days of faith." God has not made us into robots who thoughtlessly serve him. we dont operate like machinery with no will. we have choice. righteous living is a choice, and its a choice that takes effort. and then of course, if i am to say such things, there are people who will undoubtably argue that we DONT have a choice. Free will vs. predetermination/predestination. and so here, we see the differences in what man says about God. so what makes any of us think we are right? why is our perception of God more valid than the next? if five people can interpret a verse, in any religious work, in five different ways, then with what audacity to we claim our perception to be more valid than others? we say we know because of conviction. did the muslims who killed themselves and thousands others on 9-11 not have conviction? of course they did. we each claim to have valid ideas, and yet we are each such flawed human beings. if we are so flawed, what makes us think that our ideas and perceptions are not also flawed? we can believe WHATEVER we want to about God, we can accept whichever perceptions of man we choose, but that doesnt mean that ANY of us are right.
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