I feel like i have no way to express myself. i want to speak without speaking. i feel like i've been going through all these spurts of emotion. there's been an ebb and flow of feeling. it floods me, it recedes, it returns. and i am left to brood over it. lost in the confusion of my dichotomous thoughts. i struggle to make sense of everything, and...i just can't. my heart flutters, beats faster, then feels like it's slowly cracking into a million pieces. and then, within five minutes, it's whole again. somehow i feel like the only way to mend the pieces, to TRULY mend them, to seamlessly glue them back together in such a way that they cannot again easily separate, is to have my heart break completely. for the pieces to shatter as if by an explosion, to feel the sharp and bitter shards of my no longer beating heart sink down to the soles of my feet. and then, to have the smithereens removed from me, held in the hand of something greater, where they can be mended in a way that i could never achieve myself. a restoration. whole, complete, fulfilling. and then to have my rectified heart placed within me once more, and for it to beat with the life and vibrancy it once knew.
i used to paint. i used to write poetry. that was when i had inspiration. but something has died inside of me. and the piece i lost, ran from me. ran far away. or did i push it away. yes, that's what happened. i pushed it away. as though it stood before me on the edge of an abyss above an open, endless sea. and when my questions became too much for me, i pushed it. into the water. but it hasn't died. it struggles for air. flails its arms in the water. reaches for me. cries out for me. drops its tears into the salty waves, like the tears that fell from my eyes into the sink as i brushed my teeth, or the tears that stain my pillow late at night when i can't sleep. and this piece of me, sometimes i miss it, sometimes i see it swallowing the water, but fighting nonetheless. so i try to save it. i reach into the fearful waters, and i grab a hold if it. i start to pull, to try to save the piece of me that i abandoned, but when i look into its eyes, and realize the inconceivable power that stares back at me, i freeze, i panic. i become overwhelmed yet again with all the questions these deep eyes present. and so i let it go. i wrench its desperate hand from my own, and i watch it struggle to breathe. and i walk away. dont look back. maybe for a day, a month, 3 months. but i always feel it. reaching for me. i hear it crying out to me. and i go back to the water's edge again. now i, not only my emotions, have become an ebb and flow. to the water. away from it. back to the water. sometimes i run from the water's edge. i run and run and run until i can't breathe anymore. and sometimes, i tell myself that i MUST walk away. i force myself to. and yet, i dont know why. i turn back, again and again. look at the piece of myself which longs for me. and i long for it. yet i continue to walk away. and the funny thing is, i never really want to. i just do it.
that piece of me that i pushed away so long ago, it was once the piece that completed me. made me whole. i remember what life was like then. everything was beautiful, everything was inspirational, meaningful. that's why i painted. that's why i wrote poetry. because i could literally feel every ray of sun soak into my skin. every breeze that passed by me was like a breath of life. every leaf, in all its intricacy, waved to me. every person was precious and significant in such a way that i couldn't help but give my life, my heart, away to everyone i knew. these were the days when i knew what it felt like to be alive. and now, part of me is dead. but yet it's not. it still struggles for life in the water, just waiting on me to reach in, to put aside my fears, to pull it out, and allow it to become one with me again. but i'm too afraid. i'm too damn scared. and why? would i rather be dead? no, i wouldn't. but i need help. i can't do it by myself. when i walked away from that piece of me the first time, so many people who claimed to love me walked away from me. and suddenly, i wondered what i had ever meant to them. had my value as a friend, as a human being, rested solely in this piece of myself? and when i walked away, so did they? is that all i was to them? a belief? a feeling? a hope? but not a person? a sister, so to speak? were we not "family?"
i struggle. im confused. part of me is gone. i feel dead. but the truth is, im alive. im still here. and im still fighting. i bring myself to the water's edge more and more often. im still fighting. im still here. im still alive. that is truth.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Living in yet another new place
Wow. It has been sooo long since I last posted. I guess I feel like my life just isnt exciting or interesting if im not traveling. its even almost as if my mind no longer thinks cool thoughts. not that you ever think my thoughts are cool, but i sometimes do because im dorky like that. and i guess the only reason i feel like i have something to write about now is because i just moved again! this time i've moved to boulder, CO and its a more long term move. im here for grad school, in cultural anthropology, and since ill be doing masters and phd, looks like ill be here a LONG time, with random traveling excursions, of course! :)
its been really great so far. i really love boulder. its such a cool place. SO much better than home. i still have sooo much to explore. and im really excited about school, too. it will be a ton of work, but i know it will be great. i just love what im studying SO much and i am so incredibly passionate about it. its the greatest thing i could ever imagine doing and i feel like it could bring me SO much fulfillment for the rest of my life.
as of now, i have this set idea of what my thesis will be BUT my interests are running in so many directions that im considering possibly altering it a bit. i need to speak with my advisor about some things, but when i figure it all out, ill let you know what super cool topic ive chosen and what super cool places ill be able to travel because of it. :)
my awesome old friends from clemson who live out here now have a bike for me, im pretty stoked about that. my roommates are great. i really love them. theyre fun and super easy to get along with, and we share a lot of the same interests, so its cool!
one of my favorite students from tanzania called me yesterday to tell me that her father had died. she was crying and it was incredibly heartbreaking. i feel the need to get back there soon. some people i love there honestly may not live much longer and its such a devastating thought.
but yeah, i really dont have too much interesting to say at this point, but i feel like my classes, reading, and research will invoke some intriguing thoughts and questions in my mind, and ill be sure to share when theres something i think you MIGHT find interesting.
i LOVE you all. and man, i miss so many people. all you people of mine scattered all over the world...you should really come visit me here! its so great! :)
its been really great so far. i really love boulder. its such a cool place. SO much better than home. i still have sooo much to explore. and im really excited about school, too. it will be a ton of work, but i know it will be great. i just love what im studying SO much and i am so incredibly passionate about it. its the greatest thing i could ever imagine doing and i feel like it could bring me SO much fulfillment for the rest of my life.
as of now, i have this set idea of what my thesis will be BUT my interests are running in so many directions that im considering possibly altering it a bit. i need to speak with my advisor about some things, but when i figure it all out, ill let you know what super cool topic ive chosen and what super cool places ill be able to travel because of it. :)
my awesome old friends from clemson who live out here now have a bike for me, im pretty stoked about that. my roommates are great. i really love them. theyre fun and super easy to get along with, and we share a lot of the same interests, so its cool!
one of my favorite students from tanzania called me yesterday to tell me that her father had died. she was crying and it was incredibly heartbreaking. i feel the need to get back there soon. some people i love there honestly may not live much longer and its such a devastating thought.
but yeah, i really dont have too much interesting to say at this point, but i feel like my classes, reading, and research will invoke some intriguing thoughts and questions in my mind, and ill be sure to share when theres something i think you MIGHT find interesting.
i LOVE you all. and man, i miss so many people. all you people of mine scattered all over the world...you should really come visit me here! its so great! :)
Friday, July 3, 2009
Laying it all out there, and getting a little back...
I've been really encouraged the past week. I've had alot of people respond to me in different ways regarding my last blog update. and its just been really encouraging. several girls have told me they know exactly how i feel or can relate to how i feel when it comes to the "jerk." in a way, thats really heart breaking. its sad to know that there are probably so many people who struggle with those feelings and issues. and at the same time, i feel like it just goes to show that we all ARE flawed, we DO all have struggles, but we dont have to face them alone because there will always be someone who understands, there will always be someone who can say "hey, me too," and thus make you feel a bit more sane. I've also heard from a lot of guys which I think is even more encouraging. almost all of them are people i havent seen or talked to in so long, and for the most part dont even know that well. but they've said such sweet, encouraging things, and have really lifted me up. i just want to thank everyone who has shown me support in one form or another. because it really means so much. and im so incredibly grateful and appreciative, and always will be.
sometimes i think my blog is such an emotional rant. i know it must seem like im falling apart, haha. but, its not really like that. i mean, i live my life, and i do so happily, i just have things i struggle with in the depths of my soul. and i know i can sometimes get really personal on my blog, and maybe honest to the point where you wonder why im even saying the things im saying. but i think there are two big reasons why i do this, and both are me making attempts to give myself FREEDOM.
first of all, my whole life, ive been closed up. it wasnt until college, and through the friends i made, that i learned how to open myself up to other people. growing up, so many traumatic things were going on in my house on a daily basis, and i was taught from an early age to keep everything "hush, hush." well, i learned that lesson well, too well. it didnt only apply to things going on at home, but this need to keep everything inside permeated to every single aspect of my life. i could NOT talk about anything personal. i literally could NOT. when it came time to do so, i literally became physically sick. nauseous, sweaty, shaky. my head would spin, my heart would pound. i could NOT tell anything anyone. i was so closed up, and so afraid. of course my insecurities didnt help at all because i was also afraid of the reaction i might get if i did share some part of myself or my story. honestly, it was torture. i lived with all my struggles, my problems, my pains, alone. sometimes, when i really wanted to share something with someone, i knew no other way to do so then to write down my feelings and sit there while the other person read them. i was a slave to myself and the walls i had built. i trapped myself within those walls. but slowly, i began to open up. i learned how to talk, how to share. now, what can i say, im an open book. and im honest, and genuine, and sincere. and if i say something, you better believe i mean it. i use this blog just to get it all out there. to share. to say, hey this is me, im being honest, and im telling you what i think/feel. its cathartic for me, and i need it. so, thats why i just lay it out there.
also, my whole life, ive had to be so strong. so perfect. i had to be the best at everything i did, and if i couldnt be the best, i was so incredibly discouraged that i gave up, or added even more to my ever growing pile of insecurities. i felt like i had to be so strong for everyone around me, especially my family. i remember being 4 or 5 years old, sitting with my mother while she wept, and even at that age i told myself, "you CANNOT cry, you have to be strong for mommy." when my friends had problems, i thought i had to be "the rock." i did my best never to show weakness or pain. trust me, i failed alot. but in my mind it was unacceptable to do so. i wanted and felt like i needed to be someone who everyone could turn to, knowing that they could lean on me without falling over. i wanted to support everyone in every way. and i thought that if i showed weakness, they would no longer trust that they could come to me and get the help they wanted. but guess what? as usual i was wrong. and i dont feel the need to be so strong anymore. i mean, i can honestly say i do believe im strong in so many ways. ive been through ALOT, more than most people have any idea about. and ive been incredibly resilient through it all. but lets face it, i DO have weaknesses. i DO have insecurities. i DO have flaws. i am by NO means perfect. and im finally ok with that. im ok with telling someone, im sorry but i failed you. im ok with admitting that i dont have it all together. honestly, i embrace the fact that ive got stuff to work on. im glad i can acknowledge and admit my weaknesses. we are not perfect. we cannot be perfect. and we cannot make it on our own. i am weak. i am flawed. i am insecure. i am vulnerable. i fail. i am not perfect. i dont have it all together. i cannot do it all alone. but thats what makes me human. so, thats another reason why i lay it all out there. i embrace all this messed up stuff about myself and im not afraid to say that it exits.
so yeah, if you want raw honesty, vulnerability, and REALITY (along with grandiose, hopeful dreams, haha) then my blog might be interesting to read. if not, youre probably bored as hell and moving on. but, this is me, as i am. and i love you, as you are.
sometimes i think my blog is such an emotional rant. i know it must seem like im falling apart, haha. but, its not really like that. i mean, i live my life, and i do so happily, i just have things i struggle with in the depths of my soul. and i know i can sometimes get really personal on my blog, and maybe honest to the point where you wonder why im even saying the things im saying. but i think there are two big reasons why i do this, and both are me making attempts to give myself FREEDOM.
first of all, my whole life, ive been closed up. it wasnt until college, and through the friends i made, that i learned how to open myself up to other people. growing up, so many traumatic things were going on in my house on a daily basis, and i was taught from an early age to keep everything "hush, hush." well, i learned that lesson well, too well. it didnt only apply to things going on at home, but this need to keep everything inside permeated to every single aspect of my life. i could NOT talk about anything personal. i literally could NOT. when it came time to do so, i literally became physically sick. nauseous, sweaty, shaky. my head would spin, my heart would pound. i could NOT tell anything anyone. i was so closed up, and so afraid. of course my insecurities didnt help at all because i was also afraid of the reaction i might get if i did share some part of myself or my story. honestly, it was torture. i lived with all my struggles, my problems, my pains, alone. sometimes, when i really wanted to share something with someone, i knew no other way to do so then to write down my feelings and sit there while the other person read them. i was a slave to myself and the walls i had built. i trapped myself within those walls. but slowly, i began to open up. i learned how to talk, how to share. now, what can i say, im an open book. and im honest, and genuine, and sincere. and if i say something, you better believe i mean it. i use this blog just to get it all out there. to share. to say, hey this is me, im being honest, and im telling you what i think/feel. its cathartic for me, and i need it. so, thats why i just lay it out there.
also, my whole life, ive had to be so strong. so perfect. i had to be the best at everything i did, and if i couldnt be the best, i was so incredibly discouraged that i gave up, or added even more to my ever growing pile of insecurities. i felt like i had to be so strong for everyone around me, especially my family. i remember being 4 or 5 years old, sitting with my mother while she wept, and even at that age i told myself, "you CANNOT cry, you have to be strong for mommy." when my friends had problems, i thought i had to be "the rock." i did my best never to show weakness or pain. trust me, i failed alot. but in my mind it was unacceptable to do so. i wanted and felt like i needed to be someone who everyone could turn to, knowing that they could lean on me without falling over. i wanted to support everyone in every way. and i thought that if i showed weakness, they would no longer trust that they could come to me and get the help they wanted. but guess what? as usual i was wrong. and i dont feel the need to be so strong anymore. i mean, i can honestly say i do believe im strong in so many ways. ive been through ALOT, more than most people have any idea about. and ive been incredibly resilient through it all. but lets face it, i DO have weaknesses. i DO have insecurities. i DO have flaws. i am by NO means perfect. and im finally ok with that. im ok with telling someone, im sorry but i failed you. im ok with admitting that i dont have it all together. honestly, i embrace the fact that ive got stuff to work on. im glad i can acknowledge and admit my weaknesses. we are not perfect. we cannot be perfect. and we cannot make it on our own. i am weak. i am flawed. i am insecure. i am vulnerable. i fail. i am not perfect. i dont have it all together. i cannot do it all alone. but thats what makes me human. so, thats another reason why i lay it all out there. i embrace all this messed up stuff about myself and im not afraid to say that it exits.
so yeah, if you want raw honesty, vulnerability, and REALITY (along with grandiose, hopeful dreams, haha) then my blog might be interesting to read. if not, youre probably bored as hell and moving on. but, this is me, as i am. and i love you, as you are.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Deep-rooted Issues at Work
This last month has been kind of a strange time for me. I've done a lot of thinking, gone through a lot of transition and change. Big things happened my last few weeks in Africa, coming back here has been a struggle in some ways, and I continue to think, think, think about everything. And there are really some things that have come to the surface lately, things that i've pulled up from deep down inside of me. things ive pushed away and tried not to acknowledge. but what can i say, i have to face the truth and i have to admit that i have realized and learned some serious things about myself that i NEED to rectify.
i went to church yesterday. probably the first time in about two years. thats a big deal, especially for someone like me who used to live the kind of life i did, a life completely dedicated to church. pastor chip was speaking, which was my main motivation for going. i relate to him, i trust him, i always learn a lot from him. and what he was talking about was resonating SO strongly within me regarding all the things ive been learning lately. it was as though he opened my brain, took my thoughts right out, and gave a sermon on them. he talked alot about the fears and insecurities and lies that we've held on to since childhood that have made us feel like we shouldnt be happy. thats what ive been dealing with lately.
i wrote in one of my first blog posts that i feel like i dont deserve to be loved. and its true. i do feel that way. i know where that comes from, and i have for a long time. i think so many of my insecurities come from a life of feeling like i couldnt do anything right. feeling like nothing was quite good enough. that i always had to push myself one step further, even if there were no more steps ahead. ive been made fun of and mocked, because im so sensitive and certain types of people really like to get me riled up. over time, these small lies have buried themselves deep into my heart. these lies tell me im ugly, im stupid, im worthless, i can try all i want but ill never quite be good enough. these lies hold me back from so many things, because even though i can look at them and acknowledge them as lies, i have allowed myself to live my life as though they were truth. i feel like im not worthy of truly being loved, so when someone starts to give me that, i push it away, i push them away. its funny how easily i lose patience with the people most dedicated to me, how easily i put down those who support me the most, how easily i hurt those who are so selfless with me. and yet, the people who manipulate me, who lie to me, who treat me like i really am worthless, those are the people for whom i have endless patience, endless love, they are the people i never stop fighting for. and it makes NO sense.
Pastor chip was talking about how the lie he had believed in his life for so long was that he was lazy and would never amount to anything. and so when he accomplished something great, and was rewarded for it, he did all he could to jeopardize that reward, to push it away and give it up. and thats how it is for me with love. i feel like i dont deserve it, and so i push it away. like pastor chip said, we would rather be right than happy. if happiness comes from the things that we have come to believe we dont deserve, we push that happiness away so that we follow what we "believe." I have this HUGE heart that takes everyone in and wants to love everyone, but theres one person i refuse to let into my heart, and thats myself. i dont say that to sound so selfless and giving. i think its a flaw i have, a very big one. i put everyone into my heart except myself. i give everyone love except myself. but its not in a selfless way. its in a very self-damaging way. i deprive myself of something i need. nigel was really good and showing me that. he was really good at slapping me in the face til i got my head on straight, so to speak. i know nigel loved me alot, but i think thats one thing that really drove him crazy about me. i wouldnt let myself be happy. "kiddo, whatre you doing," he would say. "youre being stupid. you gotta look out for you sometimes. you cant always worry about everyone elses happiness, because then youre never happy. who cares if so and so doesnt have ride to walmart. so what if you dont cook dinner for so and so. just look out for yourself SOMETIMES." and he was right. and only he knew how to make me take a step back and remember that i might actually be KIND OF important, too. i miss him in times like these. wish he was around. wish i could call him and tell him all the foolish thoughts in my head. he knew better than anyone how to displace the lies in me that ive come to believe.
and although ive known these things about myself for so long, what ive really been learning lately is just what a stronghold these thoughts have over me in relationships, romantic relationships in particular. something in me is so attracted to the JERK. the guy who is really a total loser, but uses his confidence and charm and sweet little lies to manipulate me. those are the guys who give me butterflies, who keep me wanting more, who keep my by the phone waiting for the next call. theyre also the guys who have NONE of the qualities i really want in a person that i share my life with. but i realized something, those butterflies, those anxious, nervous feelings, that are REALLY fruits of insecurity; i have come to associate those things with having feelings for someone. so when im with the "good guy," the guy who makes me feel loved, cared about, taken care of, comfortable, the guy who has all those qualities i want, then the insecurity isnt there. there is no anxiousness, there is no nervousness, and somehow, over time, ive told myself that if i dont get those feelings, then it means that i dont have a romantic connection with that person. and thats just stupid. because then what do i do. i push that amazing person away because theyre too good to me. theyre giving me love i dont deserve. and im TELLING myself, whether its true or not, that my feelings for that person are not real. that i need to be anxious, and nervous, and have butterflies to feel a romantic connection. but really, i only have those feelings with the people who are going to hurt me, and i feel that way with them, because i KNOW they are going to hurt me. and because ive allowed myself to believe i deserve to be hurt, thats what i allow myself to experience. and its sooo scary to me. i HAVE to work through this. i HAVE to let myself be loved. i HAVE to stop giving into the jerks. because i will spend my life in misery. and my greatest fear is that i will marry someone like my father. i love my father, but if i willingly place my life and my heart in the hands of a man like that, i will be a FOOL. but thats exactly what im afraid of. i have walked away from some of the best guys i have ever known, and will ever know, because i think i dont deserve them. my last ex-boyfriend was amazing. he really was. and he was pretty much the most perfect person in the world for me. and he loved me more sincerely and genuinely than i believe anyone ever has. and i was HAPPY with him. i was. and what did i do? i ran away from it, i pushed it all away. and its been crazy dealing with all my feelings about it, because its hard to say what i even do feel. im a simple enough person to the rest of the world, but inside, i am chaos. my heart is a jumbled mess of contradicting foolishness, and i never know what to do or which way to let my heart take me.
somehow ive even started to wonder if this is the same reason i ended up pushing God away. maybe, as little doubts began to creep into me, as i started to believe the lies of people around me, i started to also believe that my perception of God was just too good to be true. i had always known that i didnt deserve Gods love or grace. i had always known it was something given to me completely aside from myself. Ephesians 2:8-10..."God saved you by his grace when you believed. and you cant take credit for this; it is a gift from God. salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are Gods masterpiece..." i always knew i didnt deserve Gods love, but i accepted it anyway. somehow, i got to a place where i couldnt accept that either. where i pushed it away, and now i tell myself i dont deserve to have it back. pastor chip said we shouldnt base our sense of who we are on other hurt, flawed human beings. and hes right. because thats what ive done. ive let other peoples lies dictate my sense of self. i have ALSO let my sense of God be based on other hurt, flawed human beings. and that has been one of my greatest mistakes. over time ive allowed my perception of God to be based on the many imperfect human beings who claim, and some who try, to serve him.
i dont know how im gonna get past all this. i think its going to take a lot of time and a lot of work. pastor chip also said that the greatest sin of all is independence, thinking that we can do by ourselves what we were never meant to do by ourselves. i KNOW that the only way i can dispel these lies from my life, and the only way i can allow myself to accept love, is to let God take control and allow my beliefs to be shaped by His truth. I have to BELIEVE that i AM his masterpiece like ephesians 2:10 tells me. but, its going to be hard. because ive pushed God away for so long and there is still something in me fighting SO hard to continue to do so. and even though i want to be the person i was, with the life i had, and the beliefs i once held, im still really confused and i dont know how to let myself accept all those things once again.
ugh, its all so complicated. and im tired of thinking about it, and tired of trying to figure it all out. i want peace. i do. but its gonna take a lot to get there. and i will continue to hurt myself, and worse, i will continue to hurt other people if i dont figure things out, let some things go, and place truth at the center of my heart.
i went to church yesterday. probably the first time in about two years. thats a big deal, especially for someone like me who used to live the kind of life i did, a life completely dedicated to church. pastor chip was speaking, which was my main motivation for going. i relate to him, i trust him, i always learn a lot from him. and what he was talking about was resonating SO strongly within me regarding all the things ive been learning lately. it was as though he opened my brain, took my thoughts right out, and gave a sermon on them. he talked alot about the fears and insecurities and lies that we've held on to since childhood that have made us feel like we shouldnt be happy. thats what ive been dealing with lately.
i wrote in one of my first blog posts that i feel like i dont deserve to be loved. and its true. i do feel that way. i know where that comes from, and i have for a long time. i think so many of my insecurities come from a life of feeling like i couldnt do anything right. feeling like nothing was quite good enough. that i always had to push myself one step further, even if there were no more steps ahead. ive been made fun of and mocked, because im so sensitive and certain types of people really like to get me riled up. over time, these small lies have buried themselves deep into my heart. these lies tell me im ugly, im stupid, im worthless, i can try all i want but ill never quite be good enough. these lies hold me back from so many things, because even though i can look at them and acknowledge them as lies, i have allowed myself to live my life as though they were truth. i feel like im not worthy of truly being loved, so when someone starts to give me that, i push it away, i push them away. its funny how easily i lose patience with the people most dedicated to me, how easily i put down those who support me the most, how easily i hurt those who are so selfless with me. and yet, the people who manipulate me, who lie to me, who treat me like i really am worthless, those are the people for whom i have endless patience, endless love, they are the people i never stop fighting for. and it makes NO sense.
Pastor chip was talking about how the lie he had believed in his life for so long was that he was lazy and would never amount to anything. and so when he accomplished something great, and was rewarded for it, he did all he could to jeopardize that reward, to push it away and give it up. and thats how it is for me with love. i feel like i dont deserve it, and so i push it away. like pastor chip said, we would rather be right than happy. if happiness comes from the things that we have come to believe we dont deserve, we push that happiness away so that we follow what we "believe." I have this HUGE heart that takes everyone in and wants to love everyone, but theres one person i refuse to let into my heart, and thats myself. i dont say that to sound so selfless and giving. i think its a flaw i have, a very big one. i put everyone into my heart except myself. i give everyone love except myself. but its not in a selfless way. its in a very self-damaging way. i deprive myself of something i need. nigel was really good and showing me that. he was really good at slapping me in the face til i got my head on straight, so to speak. i know nigel loved me alot, but i think thats one thing that really drove him crazy about me. i wouldnt let myself be happy. "kiddo, whatre you doing," he would say. "youre being stupid. you gotta look out for you sometimes. you cant always worry about everyone elses happiness, because then youre never happy. who cares if so and so doesnt have ride to walmart. so what if you dont cook dinner for so and so. just look out for yourself SOMETIMES." and he was right. and only he knew how to make me take a step back and remember that i might actually be KIND OF important, too. i miss him in times like these. wish he was around. wish i could call him and tell him all the foolish thoughts in my head. he knew better than anyone how to displace the lies in me that ive come to believe.
and although ive known these things about myself for so long, what ive really been learning lately is just what a stronghold these thoughts have over me in relationships, romantic relationships in particular. something in me is so attracted to the JERK. the guy who is really a total loser, but uses his confidence and charm and sweet little lies to manipulate me. those are the guys who give me butterflies, who keep me wanting more, who keep my by the phone waiting for the next call. theyre also the guys who have NONE of the qualities i really want in a person that i share my life with. but i realized something, those butterflies, those anxious, nervous feelings, that are REALLY fruits of insecurity; i have come to associate those things with having feelings for someone. so when im with the "good guy," the guy who makes me feel loved, cared about, taken care of, comfortable, the guy who has all those qualities i want, then the insecurity isnt there. there is no anxiousness, there is no nervousness, and somehow, over time, ive told myself that if i dont get those feelings, then it means that i dont have a romantic connection with that person. and thats just stupid. because then what do i do. i push that amazing person away because theyre too good to me. theyre giving me love i dont deserve. and im TELLING myself, whether its true or not, that my feelings for that person are not real. that i need to be anxious, and nervous, and have butterflies to feel a romantic connection. but really, i only have those feelings with the people who are going to hurt me, and i feel that way with them, because i KNOW they are going to hurt me. and because ive allowed myself to believe i deserve to be hurt, thats what i allow myself to experience. and its sooo scary to me. i HAVE to work through this. i HAVE to let myself be loved. i HAVE to stop giving into the jerks. because i will spend my life in misery. and my greatest fear is that i will marry someone like my father. i love my father, but if i willingly place my life and my heart in the hands of a man like that, i will be a FOOL. but thats exactly what im afraid of. i have walked away from some of the best guys i have ever known, and will ever know, because i think i dont deserve them. my last ex-boyfriend was amazing. he really was. and he was pretty much the most perfect person in the world for me. and he loved me more sincerely and genuinely than i believe anyone ever has. and i was HAPPY with him. i was. and what did i do? i ran away from it, i pushed it all away. and its been crazy dealing with all my feelings about it, because its hard to say what i even do feel. im a simple enough person to the rest of the world, but inside, i am chaos. my heart is a jumbled mess of contradicting foolishness, and i never know what to do or which way to let my heart take me.
somehow ive even started to wonder if this is the same reason i ended up pushing God away. maybe, as little doubts began to creep into me, as i started to believe the lies of people around me, i started to also believe that my perception of God was just too good to be true. i had always known that i didnt deserve Gods love or grace. i had always known it was something given to me completely aside from myself. Ephesians 2:8-10..."God saved you by his grace when you believed. and you cant take credit for this; it is a gift from God. salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are Gods masterpiece..." i always knew i didnt deserve Gods love, but i accepted it anyway. somehow, i got to a place where i couldnt accept that either. where i pushed it away, and now i tell myself i dont deserve to have it back. pastor chip said we shouldnt base our sense of who we are on other hurt, flawed human beings. and hes right. because thats what ive done. ive let other peoples lies dictate my sense of self. i have ALSO let my sense of God be based on other hurt, flawed human beings. and that has been one of my greatest mistakes. over time ive allowed my perception of God to be based on the many imperfect human beings who claim, and some who try, to serve him.
i dont know how im gonna get past all this. i think its going to take a lot of time and a lot of work. pastor chip also said that the greatest sin of all is independence, thinking that we can do by ourselves what we were never meant to do by ourselves. i KNOW that the only way i can dispel these lies from my life, and the only way i can allow myself to accept love, is to let God take control and allow my beliefs to be shaped by His truth. I have to BELIEVE that i AM his masterpiece like ephesians 2:10 tells me. but, its going to be hard. because ive pushed God away for so long and there is still something in me fighting SO hard to continue to do so. and even though i want to be the person i was, with the life i had, and the beliefs i once held, im still really confused and i dont know how to let myself accept all those things once again.
ugh, its all so complicated. and im tired of thinking about it, and tired of trying to figure it all out. i want peace. i do. but its gonna take a lot to get there. and i will continue to hurt myself, and worse, i will continue to hurt other people if i dont figure things out, let some things go, and place truth at the center of my heart.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Refelctions on Africa
I've been back for about a week now, which is just so weird to think about. I was relieved to come home, and happy to see my family. But it's hard to think of the family I left behind. i really did have a home there, and always will, and i felt like i belonged there, that i was one of them. as much as i hated being called "mzungu," it's what i thought when i saw white people, as though they were something different from me. readjustment has been much "smoother" than i expected. not as much reverse culture shock as i anticipated. there's still some of it there for sure, and i have moments in time, especially when im with groups of people, where i totally zone out and place myself back in tanzania. its hard, because it seems like so many things here are so trivial in comparison to the lives led in tanzania. but i also knew that i would feel that way, so i think i had really prepared myself mentally for the transition.
its definitely hard to be away from everyone, and not just because i had become so used to being with them, or because i loved their company, but also because im so disconnected from the everyday simplicities of their lives and even the big, monumental things of their lives. i worry that if something big happens there, no one will let me know. and thats hard. i dont think they would have contacted cassie when benny died, i think she only knew because i called her. and that worries me. what if something big like that happens and no one informs me. thats the hardest thing about being back. worrying. worrying about all the possibilities. life there is hard for them, and its full of pain and suffering and trials. and i hate being so far away from them all. i hate feeling like im not there to do all i can to fight for their well being. its heartbreaking, really. i called lusekelo this past weekend. ive mentioned him in the blog before, but he was by far my favorite person, the person i spent the most time with, and the person my heart became most connected and attached to. when i called, we were cut off, and were not able to get back in touch. but i was able to hear him say three words..."hello...i'm fine!" that was enough to make me cry. the sound of his voice brought so many emotions. i felt joy and excitement, i felt longing and heartache, i felt so very far away from him, but at the same time so close. i have tears in my eyes now as i write this. every time i drive my car, i wish that lusekelo was beside me, staring in awe at all the things around us, singing to me as he always did. he really wanted to go to school, but i worry he wont pursue that dream without me there to push and encourage him. i worry about my students. i worry about their futures. some of them completely lack motivation, and those who have motivation completely lack the means to pursue their dreams. its hard to be so far away and not know when i will go back. and then even if i go back, many of them may have moved on, and it may be hard to find them.
it was good to have some time this weekend with my friend mel who spent some time in kenya. she and i have very similar hearts, and we had very similar experiences in africa. sharing that with her was just really nice. it was good because she understood what i'd lived through, she understood how i felt, and she has a love for that place and those people as i do. of course, not everyone understands, or even CAN understand how it was to live there, how it was to watch people suffer, and as a result suffer with them. a couple of my friends were making "black" jokes a few nights ago. honestly, i think they were doing it on purpose because they knew i had just been living with "black people." i think in their own weird way they though they were connecting with me, or maybe they were even trying to rile me up because that wouldnt surprise me at all. but thats exactly what it did, rile me up. inside, i was angry, i was hurt, i was heartbroken. on the outside, i just shut down. i was quiet, i was clearly unhappy to be where i was. i mean, ive always hated racist jokes, but now my connection to "black people" is stronger and deeper than it ever was before. sure, the people here are not the same people i was with in tanzania, but they ARE connected. its amazing after spending time in africa how clearly i can see the culture which has been carried over and maintained through the african americans here. they are still very much "african." and for 3 months, so was i. those people were, and are, an irreplaceable piece of my heart and soul. i lived with them; i taught them; they taught me; i rode the bus with them; i cooked and ate with them; i watered crops with them; i sang with them; i prayed with them; i laughed with them; i cried with them; i watched them be beat by their mothers, fathers, husbands; i watched them die....i knew them, as though i always had. there are so many things about them that will forever be a mystery to me. i will never know all the stories behind the awful scars they carry. i will never know all the hurt they've endured. i loved many orphans, but i dont know what it was like for them to lose their parents. i dont know how it feels to be raped by someone who's supposed to protect me. i dont know what it feels like to find out i have AIDS. maybe i dont know all the details, but i know that the connection i felt with them, and that the love i have for them, is REAL and it is STRONG and it will last a LIFETIME.
there are so many things i miss about my life there. so many. i miss seeing the house girls every morning, and the way they always greeted me. i miss the way bibi called me "daughter" and babu called me "mama" (because his mother's name was also helen). i miss walking down the dusty road to school. i miss the small girl who said "shikamoo mzungu" to me every morning. i miss the way ngola always said "whats up?" i miss going to get chapati from mama sophie. i miss playing with donny, and how he cried and ran after me every time i left him. i miss seeing francis' HUGE heart and how he always gave his friends the cookies he bought at the school store. i miss allen's dimples, even though that kid drove me CRAZY. i miss how sharifah and sophia clung to me. i miss going to prayer/worship with my students, even though all it did was create a flood of tears in me. i miss the way lusekelo sang "kiss me through the phoooone", and how he rode the bus with me every time i needed to go to town. i miss the way iwe says "how are the things" and "lena, karibu chakula." i miss eating sweet popcorn with elly. i miss the way rama laughed every time he looked at me. i miss benny, period; i just miss him. i miss the small kids at ELA and how they played with my hair and touched my skin, and screamed with excitement every time they saw me. i even miss that rice, as much as i ate it. i miss the way albert and i communicated. i miss chai in the evenings with bibi and babu. i miss watching second chance. i miss catching shukuru staring at me every time i was in the staff room, haha. i miss so much. how could i ever write it all. i know, without a doubt, then when i go back, no matter when it may be, EVERYthing will be different there. it always is. every day changes so much. even though every day held exactly the same routine, things never were the same. life changing things happen everyday there, but you just carry on and live life normally, because thats all you can do, there is no other choice. you do what you have to in order to survive. no questions asked. looking back, hearing stories from other people, there was a day in tanzania when i really could have lost my life. in all seriousness, had the slightest thing gone differently in that situation, albert and i may have lost our lives. it feels surreal to say that, as though it couldnt have possibly happened. but the possibility of it happening, is just as real as me sitting here typing this. and thats why i worry. because the situation albert and i found ourselves in on that particular night, is the type of thing that tanzanians find themselves in every single day. something in me did change there, without a doubt. but somehow, i feel like a part of me resisted it all. and as much as that place stole my heart, there was a part of me that i refused to give. and i wanted to, and i wish i had, and even more so, i wish i COULD. but the piece of me that stayed untouched was the piece of me that has been numb for 2 years now. i wanted africa to consume that part of me. but i didnt let it. i know what im saying makes absolutely no sense, but i know what im talking about, and maybe thats all that matters.
Being there, in africa, in tanzania, was a crazy experience. it was hard, it was fun, it was scary, it was sad, it was exciting. i dont think its possible to understand it without going. and i hope you do. for your own sake, i hope you allow yourself to see what life is like there. and i hope that you can love, and be loved, in the way that i loved and was loved. its a beautiful place with beautiful people. there is pain, there is loss; but there is LOVE. and it leads to hope. and thats all they have. hope. they wouldnt survive otherwise.
its definitely hard to be away from everyone, and not just because i had become so used to being with them, or because i loved their company, but also because im so disconnected from the everyday simplicities of their lives and even the big, monumental things of their lives. i worry that if something big happens there, no one will let me know. and thats hard. i dont think they would have contacted cassie when benny died, i think she only knew because i called her. and that worries me. what if something big like that happens and no one informs me. thats the hardest thing about being back. worrying. worrying about all the possibilities. life there is hard for them, and its full of pain and suffering and trials. and i hate being so far away from them all. i hate feeling like im not there to do all i can to fight for their well being. its heartbreaking, really. i called lusekelo this past weekend. ive mentioned him in the blog before, but he was by far my favorite person, the person i spent the most time with, and the person my heart became most connected and attached to. when i called, we were cut off, and were not able to get back in touch. but i was able to hear him say three words..."hello...i'm fine!" that was enough to make me cry. the sound of his voice brought so many emotions. i felt joy and excitement, i felt longing and heartache, i felt so very far away from him, but at the same time so close. i have tears in my eyes now as i write this. every time i drive my car, i wish that lusekelo was beside me, staring in awe at all the things around us, singing to me as he always did. he really wanted to go to school, but i worry he wont pursue that dream without me there to push and encourage him. i worry about my students. i worry about their futures. some of them completely lack motivation, and those who have motivation completely lack the means to pursue their dreams. its hard to be so far away and not know when i will go back. and then even if i go back, many of them may have moved on, and it may be hard to find them.
it was good to have some time this weekend with my friend mel who spent some time in kenya. she and i have very similar hearts, and we had very similar experiences in africa. sharing that with her was just really nice. it was good because she understood what i'd lived through, she understood how i felt, and she has a love for that place and those people as i do. of course, not everyone understands, or even CAN understand how it was to live there, how it was to watch people suffer, and as a result suffer with them. a couple of my friends were making "black" jokes a few nights ago. honestly, i think they were doing it on purpose because they knew i had just been living with "black people." i think in their own weird way they though they were connecting with me, or maybe they were even trying to rile me up because that wouldnt surprise me at all. but thats exactly what it did, rile me up. inside, i was angry, i was hurt, i was heartbroken. on the outside, i just shut down. i was quiet, i was clearly unhappy to be where i was. i mean, ive always hated racist jokes, but now my connection to "black people" is stronger and deeper than it ever was before. sure, the people here are not the same people i was with in tanzania, but they ARE connected. its amazing after spending time in africa how clearly i can see the culture which has been carried over and maintained through the african americans here. they are still very much "african." and for 3 months, so was i. those people were, and are, an irreplaceable piece of my heart and soul. i lived with them; i taught them; they taught me; i rode the bus with them; i cooked and ate with them; i watered crops with them; i sang with them; i prayed with them; i laughed with them; i cried with them; i watched them be beat by their mothers, fathers, husbands; i watched them die....i knew them, as though i always had. there are so many things about them that will forever be a mystery to me. i will never know all the stories behind the awful scars they carry. i will never know all the hurt they've endured. i loved many orphans, but i dont know what it was like for them to lose their parents. i dont know how it feels to be raped by someone who's supposed to protect me. i dont know what it feels like to find out i have AIDS. maybe i dont know all the details, but i know that the connection i felt with them, and that the love i have for them, is REAL and it is STRONG and it will last a LIFETIME.
there are so many things i miss about my life there. so many. i miss seeing the house girls every morning, and the way they always greeted me. i miss the way bibi called me "daughter" and babu called me "mama" (because his mother's name was also helen). i miss walking down the dusty road to school. i miss the small girl who said "shikamoo mzungu" to me every morning. i miss the way ngola always said "whats up?" i miss going to get chapati from mama sophie. i miss playing with donny, and how he cried and ran after me every time i left him. i miss seeing francis' HUGE heart and how he always gave his friends the cookies he bought at the school store. i miss allen's dimples, even though that kid drove me CRAZY. i miss how sharifah and sophia clung to me. i miss going to prayer/worship with my students, even though all it did was create a flood of tears in me. i miss the way lusekelo sang "kiss me through the phoooone", and how he rode the bus with me every time i needed to go to town. i miss the way iwe says "how are the things" and "lena, karibu chakula." i miss eating sweet popcorn with elly. i miss the way rama laughed every time he looked at me. i miss benny, period; i just miss him. i miss the small kids at ELA and how they played with my hair and touched my skin, and screamed with excitement every time they saw me. i even miss that rice, as much as i ate it. i miss the way albert and i communicated. i miss chai in the evenings with bibi and babu. i miss watching second chance. i miss catching shukuru staring at me every time i was in the staff room, haha. i miss so much. how could i ever write it all. i know, without a doubt, then when i go back, no matter when it may be, EVERYthing will be different there. it always is. every day changes so much. even though every day held exactly the same routine, things never were the same. life changing things happen everyday there, but you just carry on and live life normally, because thats all you can do, there is no other choice. you do what you have to in order to survive. no questions asked. looking back, hearing stories from other people, there was a day in tanzania when i really could have lost my life. in all seriousness, had the slightest thing gone differently in that situation, albert and i may have lost our lives. it feels surreal to say that, as though it couldnt have possibly happened. but the possibility of it happening, is just as real as me sitting here typing this. and thats why i worry. because the situation albert and i found ourselves in on that particular night, is the type of thing that tanzanians find themselves in every single day. something in me did change there, without a doubt. but somehow, i feel like a part of me resisted it all. and as much as that place stole my heart, there was a part of me that i refused to give. and i wanted to, and i wish i had, and even more so, i wish i COULD. but the piece of me that stayed untouched was the piece of me that has been numb for 2 years now. i wanted africa to consume that part of me. but i didnt let it. i know what im saying makes absolutely no sense, but i know what im talking about, and maybe thats all that matters.
Being there, in africa, in tanzania, was a crazy experience. it was hard, it was fun, it was scary, it was sad, it was exciting. i dont think its possible to understand it without going. and i hope you do. for your own sake, i hope you allow yourself to see what life is like there. and i hope that you can love, and be loved, in the way that i loved and was loved. its a beautiful place with beautiful people. there is pain, there is loss; but there is LOVE. and it leads to hope. and thats all they have. hope. they wouldnt survive otherwise.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
The End is Here
I can't believe im wrapping up my last week in tanzania. its now tuesday, and im leaving on sunday. i cant even believe the time has come and gone. even as i sit and write this, tears are welling up in my eyes. honestly, its the first time in my life ive ever felt the effects of homesickness, but that by no means doesnt mean that i havent fallen in love with this place and these people, and my heart breaks to think of leaving it all for an indefinite amount of time.
friday was my last day at the school, my last day with my students. earlier that week i set out with bibi to buy gifts for my students and the men/women who live at my house. I wanted to buy belts, kongas, collared shirts, earrings, etc. so, as is to be expected, the people in the markets were trying to rip me off. REALLY rip me off. but bibi and i were using some hardcore bargaining skills. we wouldnt let them get the best of us. at one pf the places i was trying to buy shirts, bibi started lecturing the guys about trying to rip me off. she said i was buying gifts for people, many of which were orphans, and they should have respect that i was trying to do good for their brothers and sisters (because after all, everyone considers themselves to be family here). One girl, about my age, was sitting nearby. She said she was an orphan and she knew the importance of what i was doing and she offered me 5,000 shillings to go towards the gifts i was buying. honestly, that was probably alot of money for her to give, and i was SOOO touched by her selflessness amongst all the cheating, that i just began to weep right there in front of everyone. oh lord. i cant emphasize enough how much ive cried in this country. bibi held me and said, "dont you feel bad, she's just a good girl with a kind heart like you." We got her phone number, and im planning on leaving a good bit of money for her which bibi will give to her. so yeah, i gave the gifts to my students, and come friday, many of them had gotten me gifts and written me goodbye letters. it was VERY sweet. when i was saying goodbye to them, i told them about the story of the girl who gave me the money. i told them i had been so hard on them all term because i wanted them to be like that woman, and not like the men who were trying to cheat me. of course, that made me cry too because i couldnt help but think of the things some of those kids are going to become involved in.
You know, i love to travel because i love to see how other people live, and i love to meet different kinds of people from different cultures. and by doing so, not only do i see the differences that society and culture have created within people, but i also see that all people are basically the same everywhere. it seems that there IS something innate within us, and while we behave differently, perceive the world differently, have different customs and traditions, we all share something, and we are not SO different. Here, i often complain about laziness, selfishness, illogical decisions. at home, in america, i complain about ignorance and materialism. as of course, the truth is, there are corrupt, rude, selfish, and lazy people everywhere. but there are also good, kind, generous, selfless, sacrificial, loving people everywhere. Just like the girl who offered her 5,000 shillings. and despite many things i see here which i consider to be flaws and the reason this country remains poverty-stricken, i also see beautiful, loving, tightly-knit kinship. despite the "fools" ive come to know here, ive also come to know the kindest, most giving and loving people, and many of them are now my family. Last week, bibi was trying to buy me a gift and i argued and argued with her, just as i would with my own grandmother. I said that bibi and babu had already given me far too much; a safe, loving place to stay, food for 3 months, lots of toilet paper, rides everywhere (so much expensive gas), so so much. bibi said, "and we would gladly give you so much more. you are our daughter now. since the day you came here, you became a part of our family, you became one of us and you always will be. you will always be our daughter, and we will always love you as one." im so blessed to be where i am, and with this family.
Of course, as ive mentioned before, my faith has been a constant contemplation here. A while ago, i saw "angels and demons" at the cinema. there was something i liked in that movie. at one point, a priest asked tom hanks if he believed in God. He said something, and then the priest said, "i didnt ask you if you believe in what man says about God, i asked if you believed in God." This is so relevant to how ive been feeling. the doubts ive had are mostly due to man's perceptions of God; to how culturally relevant God is to the people of the ancient near east; to how we've taken things they likely meant as metaphors and made them doctrinal truth. these are things which i doubt. i doubt what man has said about God. i think in my heart, i know God is real, that he exists. i can FEEL a purpose in creation, i can FEEL something divine amongst pain and suffering. The other night, my friends elly and ramadhan were talking, and rama said, "if only everyone had a loving heart just like yours elly, then what a wonderful place the world would be." but would it? if we were ALL loving, giving, kind, considerate, then where would the beauty in that be? compassion wouldnt be moving or touching, compassion wouldnt be redemptive. if we were all the same, if our hearts and characters were all made the same, we wouldnt have a choice to be the people we are, we wouldnt CHOOSE kindness or ill will, loving or hating, selflesness or selfishness, sacrifice or greed. but we do choose. we can choose. and doesnt the fact that we have a choice mean something? thats what i had always thought in my "days of faith." God has not made us into robots who thoughtlessly serve him. we dont operate like machinery with no will. we have choice. righteous living is a choice, and its a choice that takes effort. and then of course, if i am to say such things, there are people who will undoubtably argue that we DONT have a choice. Free will vs. predetermination/predestination. and so here, we see the differences in what man says about God. so what makes any of us think we are right? why is our perception of God more valid than the next? if five people can interpret a verse, in any religious work, in five different ways, then with what audacity to we claim our perception to be more valid than others? we say we know because of conviction. did the muslims who killed themselves and thousands others on 9-11 not have conviction? of course they did. we each claim to have valid ideas, and yet we are each such flawed human beings. if we are so flawed, what makes us think that our ideas and perceptions are not also flawed? we can believe WHATEVER we want to about God, we can accept whichever perceptions of man we choose, but that doesnt mean that ANY of us are right.
friday was my last day at the school, my last day with my students. earlier that week i set out with bibi to buy gifts for my students and the men/women who live at my house. I wanted to buy belts, kongas, collared shirts, earrings, etc. so, as is to be expected, the people in the markets were trying to rip me off. REALLY rip me off. but bibi and i were using some hardcore bargaining skills. we wouldnt let them get the best of us. at one pf the places i was trying to buy shirts, bibi started lecturing the guys about trying to rip me off. she said i was buying gifts for people, many of which were orphans, and they should have respect that i was trying to do good for their brothers and sisters (because after all, everyone considers themselves to be family here). One girl, about my age, was sitting nearby. She said she was an orphan and she knew the importance of what i was doing and she offered me 5,000 shillings to go towards the gifts i was buying. honestly, that was probably alot of money for her to give, and i was SOOO touched by her selflessness amongst all the cheating, that i just began to weep right there in front of everyone. oh lord. i cant emphasize enough how much ive cried in this country. bibi held me and said, "dont you feel bad, she's just a good girl with a kind heart like you." We got her phone number, and im planning on leaving a good bit of money for her which bibi will give to her. so yeah, i gave the gifts to my students, and come friday, many of them had gotten me gifts and written me goodbye letters. it was VERY sweet. when i was saying goodbye to them, i told them about the story of the girl who gave me the money. i told them i had been so hard on them all term because i wanted them to be like that woman, and not like the men who were trying to cheat me. of course, that made me cry too because i couldnt help but think of the things some of those kids are going to become involved in.
You know, i love to travel because i love to see how other people live, and i love to meet different kinds of people from different cultures. and by doing so, not only do i see the differences that society and culture have created within people, but i also see that all people are basically the same everywhere. it seems that there IS something innate within us, and while we behave differently, perceive the world differently, have different customs and traditions, we all share something, and we are not SO different. Here, i often complain about laziness, selfishness, illogical decisions. at home, in america, i complain about ignorance and materialism. as of course, the truth is, there are corrupt, rude, selfish, and lazy people everywhere. but there are also good, kind, generous, selfless, sacrificial, loving people everywhere. Just like the girl who offered her 5,000 shillings. and despite many things i see here which i consider to be flaws and the reason this country remains poverty-stricken, i also see beautiful, loving, tightly-knit kinship. despite the "fools" ive come to know here, ive also come to know the kindest, most giving and loving people, and many of them are now my family. Last week, bibi was trying to buy me a gift and i argued and argued with her, just as i would with my own grandmother. I said that bibi and babu had already given me far too much; a safe, loving place to stay, food for 3 months, lots of toilet paper, rides everywhere (so much expensive gas), so so much. bibi said, "and we would gladly give you so much more. you are our daughter now. since the day you came here, you became a part of our family, you became one of us and you always will be. you will always be our daughter, and we will always love you as one." im so blessed to be where i am, and with this family.
Of course, as ive mentioned before, my faith has been a constant contemplation here. A while ago, i saw "angels and demons" at the cinema. there was something i liked in that movie. at one point, a priest asked tom hanks if he believed in God. He said something, and then the priest said, "i didnt ask you if you believe in what man says about God, i asked if you believed in God." This is so relevant to how ive been feeling. the doubts ive had are mostly due to man's perceptions of God; to how culturally relevant God is to the people of the ancient near east; to how we've taken things they likely meant as metaphors and made them doctrinal truth. these are things which i doubt. i doubt what man has said about God. i think in my heart, i know God is real, that he exists. i can FEEL a purpose in creation, i can FEEL something divine amongst pain and suffering. The other night, my friends elly and ramadhan were talking, and rama said, "if only everyone had a loving heart just like yours elly, then what a wonderful place the world would be." but would it? if we were ALL loving, giving, kind, considerate, then where would the beauty in that be? compassion wouldnt be moving or touching, compassion wouldnt be redemptive. if we were all the same, if our hearts and characters were all made the same, we wouldnt have a choice to be the people we are, we wouldnt CHOOSE kindness or ill will, loving or hating, selflesness or selfishness, sacrifice or greed. but we do choose. we can choose. and doesnt the fact that we have a choice mean something? thats what i had always thought in my "days of faith." God has not made us into robots who thoughtlessly serve him. we dont operate like machinery with no will. we have choice. righteous living is a choice, and its a choice that takes effort. and then of course, if i am to say such things, there are people who will undoubtably argue that we DONT have a choice. Free will vs. predetermination/predestination. and so here, we see the differences in what man says about God. so what makes any of us think we are right? why is our perception of God more valid than the next? if five people can interpret a verse, in any religious work, in five different ways, then with what audacity to we claim our perception to be more valid than others? we say we know because of conviction. did the muslims who killed themselves and thousands others on 9-11 not have conviction? of course they did. we each claim to have valid ideas, and yet we are each such flawed human beings. if we are so flawed, what makes us think that our ideas and perceptions are not also flawed? we can believe WHATEVER we want to about God, we can accept whichever perceptions of man we choose, but that doesnt mean that ANY of us are right.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Only 2 Weeks Left
i cant believe it! ill be home in 2 weeks. its crazy. a part of me really is sooo sad to leave, but theres also a part of me thats really looking forward to going home and seeing so many of the other people who are so precious to me. my sister and i both have a bit of a countdown going on to when we'll see each other again!
ok, so, the one thing i REALLY miss the most about home (besides my sister, of course) is being a normal person who no one pays attention to. the "mzungu" thing is really getting sooo old. i cant take it any more!!! instead of getting used to all the attention and yells my presence seems to conjure, i hate it more and more each day. ive gotten to the point where i HATE to be anywhere other than home or school. i DREAD having to run errands because i DONT want to be the center of attention anymore. i hate it so much!! it doesnt bother me nearly as much if im with a tanzanian friend because then its easier for me to ignore the other people. but if im alone, its torturous. i cant wait to blend in with everyone else again.
thursday was my last actual day of teaching. now we're in final exams and this coming friday will be my last day with the students. :( im going one day early this week to buy many of them gifts like clothes, watches, jewelry...things like that. also, when i get home im going to be attempting to do some serious fund raising for the needs here. many of the students need to have their school fees paid for, and the cassie and i both want a new library to be built in benny's honor which will cost quite a lot of money. also, she and i are still wanting to find money to send the child, Father, to school away from his mother. so yeah, the number im looking to raise is quite high, and im going to need as much as possible.
its going to be really hard to leave a few of the people here, especially those at my house. my two buddies, i could say my closest "brothers" are iwe and lusekelo. iwe speaks better english than any of my peers, and he has become my confidante. i tell iwe everything...all the things that make me sad, happy, angry. everything. he hears all my complaints about school. poor iwe. he probably dreads seeing me these days! haha. and lusekelo is my buddy. what can i say? i love that kid so much. i definitely spend more time with him than anyone else and he speaks much better english than he seemed to at first (plus he has improved a lot). so between his english and my swahili we barely have any problems communicating. im going to be so sad to leave him. everyday he tells me he loves me so much and that hes going to miss me so much when i leave. he says the house will be so boring without me there, he then proceeds to imitate every single person there to show me that he will be lonely. haha. its def too hard to explain over the internet, but its hilarious. he has decided he wants to go back to school, so i also really want to help find funding for him because he is my FAVORITE.
at my house, my "family's" favorite words to describe me are "charming" and "funny." they always tell me they will miss me so much, and that does NOT help me feel less sad about leaving. albert (who is my favorite in a tie with lusekelo) asks me every single day when i will come back. and everyday i say i dont know. oooh, i really do hope i can make it back to visit soon, especially since bibi and babu are so old. by the way, bibi and babu have the best stories ever. ill have to share some of those later. for now, i need to get going. but ill see many of you in 2 weeks! i cant believe it. i know its going to FLY by!
ok, so, the one thing i REALLY miss the most about home (besides my sister, of course) is being a normal person who no one pays attention to. the "mzungu" thing is really getting sooo old. i cant take it any more!!! instead of getting used to all the attention and yells my presence seems to conjure, i hate it more and more each day. ive gotten to the point where i HATE to be anywhere other than home or school. i DREAD having to run errands because i DONT want to be the center of attention anymore. i hate it so much!! it doesnt bother me nearly as much if im with a tanzanian friend because then its easier for me to ignore the other people. but if im alone, its torturous. i cant wait to blend in with everyone else again.
thursday was my last actual day of teaching. now we're in final exams and this coming friday will be my last day with the students. :( im going one day early this week to buy many of them gifts like clothes, watches, jewelry...things like that. also, when i get home im going to be attempting to do some serious fund raising for the needs here. many of the students need to have their school fees paid for, and the cassie and i both want a new library to be built in benny's honor which will cost quite a lot of money. also, she and i are still wanting to find money to send the child, Father, to school away from his mother. so yeah, the number im looking to raise is quite high, and im going to need as much as possible.
its going to be really hard to leave a few of the people here, especially those at my house. my two buddies, i could say my closest "brothers" are iwe and lusekelo. iwe speaks better english than any of my peers, and he has become my confidante. i tell iwe everything...all the things that make me sad, happy, angry. everything. he hears all my complaints about school. poor iwe. he probably dreads seeing me these days! haha. and lusekelo is my buddy. what can i say? i love that kid so much. i definitely spend more time with him than anyone else and he speaks much better english than he seemed to at first (plus he has improved a lot). so between his english and my swahili we barely have any problems communicating. im going to be so sad to leave him. everyday he tells me he loves me so much and that hes going to miss me so much when i leave. he says the house will be so boring without me there, he then proceeds to imitate every single person there to show me that he will be lonely. haha. its def too hard to explain over the internet, but its hilarious. he has decided he wants to go back to school, so i also really want to help find funding for him because he is my FAVORITE.
at my house, my "family's" favorite words to describe me are "charming" and "funny." they always tell me they will miss me so much, and that does NOT help me feel less sad about leaving. albert (who is my favorite in a tie with lusekelo) asks me every single day when i will come back. and everyday i say i dont know. oooh, i really do hope i can make it back to visit soon, especially since bibi and babu are so old. by the way, bibi and babu have the best stories ever. ill have to share some of those later. for now, i need to get going. but ill see many of you in 2 weeks! i cant believe it. i know its going to FLY by!
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Lamentations
Mmmm. its been quite an emotional week. lamenting, lamenting, a bit more lamenting. its been exhausting, especially on top of the massive amounts of work ive been doing for school. So, as i wrote before, benny died on monday. i was left all day with people who didnt speak english, so i didnt actually know EXACTLY what happened until that night when everyone came back home. benny has always had very bad asthma, and its something he's struggled with all of his life. if you were to see benny without a shirt on, you would see that his chest was quite compressed, it had not developed normally. on monday, the nurse from the hospital had gone where benny was staying to give him his medicine which was healing him from his fight against the malaria. because as far as the malaria was concerned, he really was getting MUCH better. but when the nurse arrived, benny was having a lot of trouble breathing. surely it was making it even more difficult because he was so weak and malnutritioned. the nurse suggested benny be taken to the hospital right away. benny died on the way to the hospital because he was unable to breathe.
tuesday, many, many people had come to our house for the traditional african gathering of grieving. all day as i sat and typed exams for school, i listened to this massive group of people singing songs of mourning, wailing, and crying out. needless to say, it was impossible to be there without crying, and by the end of the day i just could not stand it any more. i left to go visit my students at school because my need for escaping was necessary. once i got there, i let some of my students convince me to join them for prayer and worship. probably not the best idea if i wanted to escape grief and crying. now, because of all my struggles regarding my faith the last few years, almost everytime im in such a situation i become very emotional and cry. on this day, as the students sang their worship songs and shouted their prayers to God, lifting their hands in praise and in grief over benny's death, i cried and cried and cried. i cried for benny's death, i cried because of the confusion inside me regarding my faith, i cried because i could hear one of my favorite students wailing (she was very close to benny), i cried because i thought of my love for my students and my african family, i cried because i will soon leave them, i cried because at any time i could hear that any of them have met a sudden death as did benny. i cry so much here, its ridiculous. i dont know why, but ever since i came here ive been so much more emotional than ive been in a loong time. one of my students even asked me why i'm always crying. what can i say? i have no idea. the smallest of things move me to tears. needless to say, by the time i got back home tuesday night, i was completely drained and exhausted.
on wednesday, a few of the teachers (including me) and a large group of students skipped out on school and went to "pay our last respects" to benny. his body was being kept at the hospital until that day when a group (including bibi) would set off to transport his body to his father's house on the other side of the country. we all gathered together, with benny's coffin before us. there was alot more crying and singing. in the end, they opened the coffin, and the whole group of people formed a line to "view the body." several women screamed when they saw him, throwing themselves on the ground and wailing. it was heartbreaking. and the worst part was to see the students, every single one of them crying. every single boy who had spent the last 1-4 years living with benny, even the most hard-ass of boys, had tears streaming down their faces. i know that for them, benny was played the role of a father figure in their lives as he was their caretaker while they lived at school away from home. not only that, but for many of them, benny WAS the father they never had, or he had become the father who they had lost to sickness and disease. it was obvious that benny's death was the most difficult for those students who are now orphans. it was truly a devastating day.
my time here is quickly coming to an end. i only have 3 more weeks left, and only 2 more weeks left with the students. its going to be so hard to say goodbye to everyone here. some people i have developed VERY strong attachments to. i do miss things about home and am looking forward to many things there. but mostly superficial things. the one thing i miss the most is DEFINITELY my sister. im very used to being away from her, but i miss her sooo much. the other, unimportant things i miss and am looking forward to are a variety in foods; running water with which to take showers; my car which can take me where i want to go, when i want to go there, and in short time. basically, i miss stupid things, and i know when i leave here i will miss the people with unbearable intensity.
tuesday, many, many people had come to our house for the traditional african gathering of grieving. all day as i sat and typed exams for school, i listened to this massive group of people singing songs of mourning, wailing, and crying out. needless to say, it was impossible to be there without crying, and by the end of the day i just could not stand it any more. i left to go visit my students at school because my need for escaping was necessary. once i got there, i let some of my students convince me to join them for prayer and worship. probably not the best idea if i wanted to escape grief and crying. now, because of all my struggles regarding my faith the last few years, almost everytime im in such a situation i become very emotional and cry. on this day, as the students sang their worship songs and shouted their prayers to God, lifting their hands in praise and in grief over benny's death, i cried and cried and cried. i cried for benny's death, i cried because of the confusion inside me regarding my faith, i cried because i could hear one of my favorite students wailing (she was very close to benny), i cried because i thought of my love for my students and my african family, i cried because i will soon leave them, i cried because at any time i could hear that any of them have met a sudden death as did benny. i cry so much here, its ridiculous. i dont know why, but ever since i came here ive been so much more emotional than ive been in a loong time. one of my students even asked me why i'm always crying. what can i say? i have no idea. the smallest of things move me to tears. needless to say, by the time i got back home tuesday night, i was completely drained and exhausted.
on wednesday, a few of the teachers (including me) and a large group of students skipped out on school and went to "pay our last respects" to benny. his body was being kept at the hospital until that day when a group (including bibi) would set off to transport his body to his father's house on the other side of the country. we all gathered together, with benny's coffin before us. there was alot more crying and singing. in the end, they opened the coffin, and the whole group of people formed a line to "view the body." several women screamed when they saw him, throwing themselves on the ground and wailing. it was heartbreaking. and the worst part was to see the students, every single one of them crying. every single boy who had spent the last 1-4 years living with benny, even the most hard-ass of boys, had tears streaming down their faces. i know that for them, benny was played the role of a father figure in their lives as he was their caretaker while they lived at school away from home. not only that, but for many of them, benny WAS the father they never had, or he had become the father who they had lost to sickness and disease. it was obvious that benny's death was the most difficult for those students who are now orphans. it was truly a devastating day.
my time here is quickly coming to an end. i only have 3 more weeks left, and only 2 more weeks left with the students. its going to be so hard to say goodbye to everyone here. some people i have developed VERY strong attachments to. i do miss things about home and am looking forward to many things there. but mostly superficial things. the one thing i miss the most is DEFINITELY my sister. im very used to being away from her, but i miss her sooo much. the other, unimportant things i miss and am looking forward to are a variety in foods; running water with which to take showers; my car which can take me where i want to go, when i want to go there, and in short time. basically, i miss stupid things, and i know when i leave here i will miss the people with unbearable intensity.
Monday, May 18, 2009
One Man Defies the Odds, While Another Succumbs to Them
Yesterday we celebrated babu's 75th birthday. that's a pretty big deal considering the fact that the life expectancy for men in this country is 35. he has lived a LONG, full life in which he has experienced the greatest of joys and also the most difficult of sufferings. Regardless, he walks around with a smile on his face, and his generosity is undeniable. So we had a big party at the school and the children performed dances, plays, and songs for him. We ate a ridiculous amount of food. basically, we had a great time celebrating babu's life.
One dictionary defines hope as this: "to wish or look forward to what one anticipates or expects, a reason for confidence or expectation." we had hope that benny would make a full recovery. he was improving daily. the last several times i saw him at the hospital, benny was getting better and better. we had hope. we looked forward to, anticipated, EXPECTED his recovery. benny began to speak again. he laughed at our jokes, and made jokes of his own. he recognized everyone around him, and he claimed he must have a lot of friends because he always had so many visitors. he began to eat again, requesting foods that he had missed. the last day benny was in the hospital, he even began to feed himself. we continued to have hope. friday, benny was allowed to leave the hospital. he went to his sister's house where he would be taken care of. on saturday and sunday we received news that benny continued to improve. our hope was solid. today, one of the new teachers came to talk with iwe and i as we sat on a bench at school. (iwe has replaced benny as the patron during his sickness) "you both share in the sufferings of your sick friend," he said. "yes," i replied, "but the good news is that benny is much, much better and we should see him here soon." my hope had become certainty. two hours later, albert(our driver) had come to the school to bring babu for some "business." i went to sit in the car with albert as i always do when he's at the school and i dont have a class to teach. benny used to always sit with us, and i thought that normally benny would be there with us, sitting in the car, laughing about something stupid. i looked at albert, intending to share a reminiscence of benny. albert looked sad. "nini albert?" i said. ("what albert?"--albert doesnt speak english) he shook his head. "nini," i repeated. "benny," he replied. "mbaya or nzuri?" i asked ("good or bad"?) "benny...kapoot," he said. "benny died?" i asked. Unnecessary as it may be to define such a word, "dead" is defined as: " without life or no longer living." benny will no longer eat, he will no longer laugh, he will never again see his students, and they will never again see him. benny is without life. i began to cray. albert and i looked at each other, sharing our grief. "pole sana," we both said. ("I'm so sorry for the situation") i was meant to teach my class in 20 minutes. how could i? i realized that a couple of my students had somehow heard the news, and their sobs were creating many questions among the others. i gathered my class together, and between sobs i managed to say that uncle benny had died. some of the girls cried out, the boys laid their heads on their desks and covered their faces. several more students began to cry. i spent the next hour outside, sitting on a fallen tree, crying with a group of my students. today i had to think of that book called "the audacity of hope." this means that having hope is recklessly bold action on our part. it is to dare to have something which may possibly lead to disappointment, to devastation. we have hope so that we might not have despair, or fear. we hold on to this expectancy for what may come in the future, the expectancy that the BEST is to come, and we try to believe it with reckless abandon because the pain of the possible reality is far too great. sometimes, our hope proves to be fruitful. it proves to bring us joy, happiness, contentment, satisfaction. other times, our hope is crushed, leaving us in a wake of destruction, pain, suffering, loss.
In a country, in africa, tanzania, where the life expectancy of men is 35, babuhas managed to live until 75. benny has died at 35. one man defied the odds, while another succumbed to them.
One dictionary defines hope as this: "to wish or look forward to what one anticipates or expects, a reason for confidence or expectation." we had hope that benny would make a full recovery. he was improving daily. the last several times i saw him at the hospital, benny was getting better and better. we had hope. we looked forward to, anticipated, EXPECTED his recovery. benny began to speak again. he laughed at our jokes, and made jokes of his own. he recognized everyone around him, and he claimed he must have a lot of friends because he always had so many visitors. he began to eat again, requesting foods that he had missed. the last day benny was in the hospital, he even began to feed himself. we continued to have hope. friday, benny was allowed to leave the hospital. he went to his sister's house where he would be taken care of. on saturday and sunday we received news that benny continued to improve. our hope was solid. today, one of the new teachers came to talk with iwe and i as we sat on a bench at school. (iwe has replaced benny as the patron during his sickness) "you both share in the sufferings of your sick friend," he said. "yes," i replied, "but the good news is that benny is much, much better and we should see him here soon." my hope had become certainty. two hours later, albert(our driver) had come to the school to bring babu for some "business." i went to sit in the car with albert as i always do when he's at the school and i dont have a class to teach. benny used to always sit with us, and i thought that normally benny would be there with us, sitting in the car, laughing about something stupid. i looked at albert, intending to share a reminiscence of benny. albert looked sad. "nini albert?" i said. ("what albert?"--albert doesnt speak english) he shook his head. "nini," i repeated. "benny," he replied. "mbaya or nzuri?" i asked ("good or bad"?) "benny...kapoot," he said. "benny died?" i asked. Unnecessary as it may be to define such a word, "dead" is defined as: " without life or no longer living." benny will no longer eat, he will no longer laugh, he will never again see his students, and they will never again see him. benny is without life. i began to cray. albert and i looked at each other, sharing our grief. "pole sana," we both said. ("I'm so sorry for the situation") i was meant to teach my class in 20 minutes. how could i? i realized that a couple of my students had somehow heard the news, and their sobs were creating many questions among the others. i gathered my class together, and between sobs i managed to say that uncle benny had died. some of the girls cried out, the boys laid their heads on their desks and covered their faces. several more students began to cry. i spent the next hour outside, sitting on a fallen tree, crying with a group of my students. today i had to think of that book called "the audacity of hope." this means that having hope is recklessly bold action on our part. it is to dare to have something which may possibly lead to disappointment, to devastation. we have hope so that we might not have despair, or fear. we hold on to this expectancy for what may come in the future, the expectancy that the BEST is to come, and we try to believe it with reckless abandon because the pain of the possible reality is far too great. sometimes, our hope proves to be fruitful. it proves to bring us joy, happiness, contentment, satisfaction. other times, our hope is crushed, leaving us in a wake of destruction, pain, suffering, loss.
In a country, in africa, tanzania, where the life expectancy of men is 35, babuhas managed to live until 75. benny has died at 35. one man defied the odds, while another succumbed to them.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
...........
i dont have any idea how to title this entry. no matter how much i think, nothing makes sense. last week, on tuesday, i ended up going to the hospital to get some medication because i was having this ridiculously weird and painful thing going on in my ear. turns out my canal was completely closed due to inflammation. they gave me 4 different medicines, one of which made me really sick for the remainder of the week. i forced myself to go to school (just for my class period) each day, but by the time i had walked home on thursday i thought i would die, so i skipped out on school friday. (the medicine made me incredibly weak). but anyway, that was probably the most insignificant thing about last week. what i would call the "significant" thing was much more...well...significant.
tuesday, the evening i had come back from the hospital, one of the boarding students came to tell us that benny had malaria. benny is the "patron" of the school. he is about 30 years old, and he lives with the almost 40 boys who are boarding studenets at fanaka. i spend hours at school with him everyday, and he comes over to our house every night. three people i know have had malaria in the time i've been here. the symptoms are much like the flu, only they can lead to much more serious things, including death. the three others simply had anti-malaria injections and were better within a few days. that night, we also took benny to get an anti-malaria injection, and no one was really worried about it. we came to find out the next morning that the malaria had "gone to benny's head," meaning it was very strong in his body and affecting him psychologically. he didnt know who the boys at school were, he didnt know where he was, and he didnt know who he was either. a group of people drove him to the hospital to be admitted in critical care. by that night, he was unconscious and remained that way for the whole next day. he woke up on friday, but was still unaware of what was going on around him. i didnt go to visit him until friday night since i had been sick and bibi wouldnt let me go to see him. my heart broke the second i walked into the hospital room. benny was sitting on his bed, held up by two other men. his eyes were crossed, and he was drooling. i fought my tears as hard as i could, and forced myself to cheerfully call his name the way i usually do when i see him. a smile came across his face. everyone in the room was very happy to see that because it was the first time he had smiled. bibi said, "oh my daughter, it is better that you are here to bring joy to benny." that really brought the tears forward. when they pointed to me and asked benny who i was, he slowly said "le--na." which was a huuuge step for him because he hadnt been talking or recognizing most of the people around him. the best way for me to describe his behavior and state of mind is to say that he was like a small, mentally retarded child. i saw him again on sunday. they were trying to feed him. but benny wouldnt swallow anything, and everything they put into his mouth just dripped down his chin. he would close his eyes and moan and grunt, and try to resist being fed. in less than a week he had lost SO much weight. that day he was wearing a pair of shorts that he often wore before, and they were sliding right off of him, they were huge on him. i couldnt help but think of the last time i had talked to benny, the day before he got sick. i had recently seen pictures of him in which he had been quite thin. i was teasing him about the gut he had grown. "its from ugali," he said (ugali is a very starchy food they eat ALOT of here). "noooo benny," i said "thats a beer belly. you're drinking too much beer. we have to work on losing that stomach." he laughed and hit me and we giggled like two little fools for the longest time. seeing benny so sick, so emaciated, made me cry to think of that last time we spent together. today they took him to have his brain scanned, so we'll see how that goes. it is possible that in time benny will return to normal, but it is also possible that his mind will forever be damaged. his situation has consumed my every thought and im hoping for the very best for him.
ooooh, what else. there are so many things i could mention. like people here pick their nose with no hindrance. doesnt matter where you are, or whats going on, people here will look you right in the eye and dig up their nose as though it were money they were trying to get out. some stupid invisible bugs must be in my bed because i constantly have these bites EVERYwhere when i wake up. and every night and morning im inspecting the bed sheets, or feeling small bites which are really just the outcome of paranoia. im starting to get really tired of eating the same thing everyday, and ive been daydreaming about ALL kinds of things i want to eat when i get home. some women here draw on thick eyebrows with super dark pencils and they just look ridiculous. everyday i wish to strangle the obnoxious group of men who "work" on the road i use to walk to school. if i hear "hey baby" or "give me money" one more time i'm going to punch someone in the face. the guys who work at the internet place i used have discovered my blog. solomon (one of the guys) even printed it all out to read while he rode the bus. he's sitting on the other side of the room right now, and will probably be reading this soon. im laughing. i bet he's reading this and laughing too.
im pretty sure that my dramatic, tearful episode really straightened out the students because most of them have been little angels in comparison to how they had been behaving before. today they were working in groups, and as i watched them, i teared up again, this time with bittersweet tears. i was so happy to see how well they working together, but at the same time i was overwhelmed with how much i love them and the thought of saying goodbye to them in only one month is heartbreaking. anyway, ive written so much and have probably bored you to death, so more to come in about a week i suppose. i miss you all. alot.
tuesday, the evening i had come back from the hospital, one of the boarding students came to tell us that benny had malaria. benny is the "patron" of the school. he is about 30 years old, and he lives with the almost 40 boys who are boarding studenets at fanaka. i spend hours at school with him everyday, and he comes over to our house every night. three people i know have had malaria in the time i've been here. the symptoms are much like the flu, only they can lead to much more serious things, including death. the three others simply had anti-malaria injections and were better within a few days. that night, we also took benny to get an anti-malaria injection, and no one was really worried about it. we came to find out the next morning that the malaria had "gone to benny's head," meaning it was very strong in his body and affecting him psychologically. he didnt know who the boys at school were, he didnt know where he was, and he didnt know who he was either. a group of people drove him to the hospital to be admitted in critical care. by that night, he was unconscious and remained that way for the whole next day. he woke up on friday, but was still unaware of what was going on around him. i didnt go to visit him until friday night since i had been sick and bibi wouldnt let me go to see him. my heart broke the second i walked into the hospital room. benny was sitting on his bed, held up by two other men. his eyes were crossed, and he was drooling. i fought my tears as hard as i could, and forced myself to cheerfully call his name the way i usually do when i see him. a smile came across his face. everyone in the room was very happy to see that because it was the first time he had smiled. bibi said, "oh my daughter, it is better that you are here to bring joy to benny." that really brought the tears forward. when they pointed to me and asked benny who i was, he slowly said "le--na." which was a huuuge step for him because he hadnt been talking or recognizing most of the people around him. the best way for me to describe his behavior and state of mind is to say that he was like a small, mentally retarded child. i saw him again on sunday. they were trying to feed him. but benny wouldnt swallow anything, and everything they put into his mouth just dripped down his chin. he would close his eyes and moan and grunt, and try to resist being fed. in less than a week he had lost SO much weight. that day he was wearing a pair of shorts that he often wore before, and they were sliding right off of him, they were huge on him. i couldnt help but think of the last time i had talked to benny, the day before he got sick. i had recently seen pictures of him in which he had been quite thin. i was teasing him about the gut he had grown. "its from ugali," he said (ugali is a very starchy food they eat ALOT of here). "noooo benny," i said "thats a beer belly. you're drinking too much beer. we have to work on losing that stomach." he laughed and hit me and we giggled like two little fools for the longest time. seeing benny so sick, so emaciated, made me cry to think of that last time we spent together. today they took him to have his brain scanned, so we'll see how that goes. it is possible that in time benny will return to normal, but it is also possible that his mind will forever be damaged. his situation has consumed my every thought and im hoping for the very best for him.
ooooh, what else. there are so many things i could mention. like people here pick their nose with no hindrance. doesnt matter where you are, or whats going on, people here will look you right in the eye and dig up their nose as though it were money they were trying to get out. some stupid invisible bugs must be in my bed because i constantly have these bites EVERYwhere when i wake up. and every night and morning im inspecting the bed sheets, or feeling small bites which are really just the outcome of paranoia. im starting to get really tired of eating the same thing everyday, and ive been daydreaming about ALL kinds of things i want to eat when i get home. some women here draw on thick eyebrows with super dark pencils and they just look ridiculous. everyday i wish to strangle the obnoxious group of men who "work" on the road i use to walk to school. if i hear "hey baby" or "give me money" one more time i'm going to punch someone in the face. the guys who work at the internet place i used have discovered my blog. solomon (one of the guys) even printed it all out to read while he rode the bus. he's sitting on the other side of the room right now, and will probably be reading this soon. im laughing. i bet he's reading this and laughing too.
im pretty sure that my dramatic, tearful episode really straightened out the students because most of them have been little angels in comparison to how they had been behaving before. today they were working in groups, and as i watched them, i teared up again, this time with bittersweet tears. i was so happy to see how well they working together, but at the same time i was overwhelmed with how much i love them and the thought of saying goodbye to them in only one month is heartbreaking. anyway, ive written so much and have probably bored you to death, so more to come in about a week i suppose. i miss you all. alot.
Monday, May 4, 2009
A Crazy Week
This past week was quite eventful. Beginning with an “incident” we had at school last week. I was going to teach my class, and as usual we were faced with our daily issues of their irresponsibility, noisiness, lack of respect, and tardiness to class. I was in the classroom wanting to start class, and ten minutes after the bell rang I still had students missing who were wandering around outside. I was yelling at them to run to class, and even pulling some of them into the class myself, and although this is VERY normal on any given day, I was particularly infuriated with the situation on that day. Once everyone was inside I had quite a few words to say to them, but I was still really upset. Bibi just happened to be at the school then, so I told them I was going to get her to talk to them because Bibi is quite a lecturer and you can be sure you’ll feel badly for misbehaving after a talk with Bibi. They were not too thrilled about that. She came in and began her lecture. I sat near the board facing the class as she talked. While she was talking, I was just thinking so much about my students and I started to cry. I thought about the futures so many of them will probably have…the boys will work on the wretched dalla-dalla buses or sell groundnuts on the side of the road. The girls will probably have babies in the next couple of years with men who will beat them, or leave them, or give them AIDS. It was just hurting me so much to think of what they’re doing to themselves and I truly love them, otherwise I wouldn’t worry so much. When Bibi left, I stood up before the class, pointed to my face, and said, “what am I doing right now?” A few of them quietly answered, “you’re crying.” “That’s right,” I said. “And why am I crying? Because I’m brokenhearted. Because it breaks my heart that I love you more than you love yourselves. Because it breaks my heart that I care about your futures more than you do. Because it breaks my heart to think where some of you will end up and the type of future you will have. Because many of you have no future. There is only pain and suffering ahead of you if you continue to be so careless about the things which are most important.” As I talked, I cried harder and harder and by the end of it, it was impossible to speak any more. I’m not sure how I said as much as I did. Many of the students were crying as well, and I had to leave the room for a few minutes to compose myself so that I could start teaching again. That was quite a dramatic afternoon, but many of them came to me later that day and apologized and I can honestly say that both of my classes have been MUCH better behaved since then.
This past weekend, I went to Zanzibar. Wow, it is GORGEOUS! Sadly I only had 3 days to spend there which is definitely not enough because there are so many different places to go and see. I went alone, so I was really hoping to meet someone to hang out with while I was there. After getting off the boat, I met a really sweet and beautiful English girl named Lucy. We decided to get a taxi together to the same hostel, and once we were there we decided to share a room together also. That evening we wandered around the narrow, maze-like streets of Stonetown, we booked a couple of small tours, had dinner, and had a couple of drinks at a really nice beachfront bar with live music. The next day we went on a spice tour where we were taking to a plantation and we smelled and tasted different spices and plants and fruits. It was really cool and one of the boys climbed up this ridiculously tall coconut tree. Then we went to the Magapwani caves where slaves had been hidden during the slave trade. Later that evening, my friend Joshua joined us in Zanzibar and the 3 of us, along with Joshua’s friend Charles went out to eat a really delicious restaurant. This family has a small restaurant in their home and they serve course after course of traditional Zanzibarian food. It was SOOO good. Then we went to another beachfront bar with live music. That was super entertaining. The next day we went to a small island off the coast of Zanzibar called Prison Island. It was where they had once intended to keep slaves as prisoners, but there had been a smallpox outbreak, so it became a quarantine island for the slaves instead. We saw HUGE tortoises that were up to 200 years old and about 450 pounds. We also went snorkeling. It was pouring rain for part of the time we were snorkeling, and that was actually really cool, it just made things a little harder to see under the water. Then, when it got sunny again, we headed to the beach for a little while, and finally headed back to Zanzibar so that I could catch my boat home.
Needless to say, the ride home was quite eventful. First of all, I got REALLY sick on the boat. The boat was WAY overbooked, and many of us were just sitting on the floor of the deck in the back. And it was anything but smooth sailing. There was a really nice Nigerian man sitting next to me who kept checking on me, he found me a bucket to throw up in, and he rubbed my back the whole time I vomited. I can honestly say it was not fun. I was SOOO happy to finally get to the port, and Albert was waiting there to pick me up. We set off for the drive back to our village of Bunju. Every time I’m riding in a car in this country, ESPECIALLY at night, I’m always wondering how it is that I never see anyone get hit by a car. I think it must happen so often because people are FOREVER darting out in front of super fast cars, and at night there are NO lights anywhere, and the car headlights are all quite dim. It’s undeniably dangerous. So like I said before, I’m always wondering how it is that I haven’t yet witnessed something horrible. Well, I definitely did on that night, and it was the last thing I would have ever wanted to happen. We were driving along the dark road, and this teenage boy darted in front of our car and Albert slammed into him. We hit him on my side of the car, and it was like every second was in agonizingly long slow motion and I will never forget the look of that boys face illuminated in the car headlight directly in front of me. It was a look of total fear and pain. The boy sat stunned and he seemed to be alright as everyone nearby rushed over to him. Albert drove up a little and pulled over to the side of the road. I assume he intended to check on the boy, but within one second, the people were angrily rushing towards our car and things did NOT look good. Albert slammed on the gas pedal and sped away as a huge mob of people ran after us beating the car and screaming at us. Someone even tried to throw a huge rock through the open window at Albert’s head, but it just barely missed him. I have never seen Albert so scared, and I have NEVER seen Albert drive so fast, weaving in and out of traffic. Of course, the driving made me sick again, and as though my fear and shock wasn’t enough, I was now leaning out the window puking the whole rest of the way home. By the time we got home, the whole outside of the car was covered in my vomit, it was all over my face, and the house boys had crowded all around me as I clumsily tried to wash the “residue” off of myself.
It was quite a week I would have to say, quite a week. After all, TIA, TIA (This Is Africa)
This past weekend, I went to Zanzibar. Wow, it is GORGEOUS! Sadly I only had 3 days to spend there which is definitely not enough because there are so many different places to go and see. I went alone, so I was really hoping to meet someone to hang out with while I was there. After getting off the boat, I met a really sweet and beautiful English girl named Lucy. We decided to get a taxi together to the same hostel, and once we were there we decided to share a room together also. That evening we wandered around the narrow, maze-like streets of Stonetown, we booked a couple of small tours, had dinner, and had a couple of drinks at a really nice beachfront bar with live music. The next day we went on a spice tour where we were taking to a plantation and we smelled and tasted different spices and plants and fruits. It was really cool and one of the boys climbed up this ridiculously tall coconut tree. Then we went to the Magapwani caves where slaves had been hidden during the slave trade. Later that evening, my friend Joshua joined us in Zanzibar and the 3 of us, along with Joshua’s friend Charles went out to eat a really delicious restaurant. This family has a small restaurant in their home and they serve course after course of traditional Zanzibarian food. It was SOOO good. Then we went to another beachfront bar with live music. That was super entertaining. The next day we went to a small island off the coast of Zanzibar called Prison Island. It was where they had once intended to keep slaves as prisoners, but there had been a smallpox outbreak, so it became a quarantine island for the slaves instead. We saw HUGE tortoises that were up to 200 years old and about 450 pounds. We also went snorkeling. It was pouring rain for part of the time we were snorkeling, and that was actually really cool, it just made things a little harder to see under the water. Then, when it got sunny again, we headed to the beach for a little while, and finally headed back to Zanzibar so that I could catch my boat home.
Needless to say, the ride home was quite eventful. First of all, I got REALLY sick on the boat. The boat was WAY overbooked, and many of us were just sitting on the floor of the deck in the back. And it was anything but smooth sailing. There was a really nice Nigerian man sitting next to me who kept checking on me, he found me a bucket to throw up in, and he rubbed my back the whole time I vomited. I can honestly say it was not fun. I was SOOO happy to finally get to the port, and Albert was waiting there to pick me up. We set off for the drive back to our village of Bunju. Every time I’m riding in a car in this country, ESPECIALLY at night, I’m always wondering how it is that I never see anyone get hit by a car. I think it must happen so often because people are FOREVER darting out in front of super fast cars, and at night there are NO lights anywhere, and the car headlights are all quite dim. It’s undeniably dangerous. So like I said before, I’m always wondering how it is that I haven’t yet witnessed something horrible. Well, I definitely did on that night, and it was the last thing I would have ever wanted to happen. We were driving along the dark road, and this teenage boy darted in front of our car and Albert slammed into him. We hit him on my side of the car, and it was like every second was in agonizingly long slow motion and I will never forget the look of that boys face illuminated in the car headlight directly in front of me. It was a look of total fear and pain. The boy sat stunned and he seemed to be alright as everyone nearby rushed over to him. Albert drove up a little and pulled over to the side of the road. I assume he intended to check on the boy, but within one second, the people were angrily rushing towards our car and things did NOT look good. Albert slammed on the gas pedal and sped away as a huge mob of people ran after us beating the car and screaming at us. Someone even tried to throw a huge rock through the open window at Albert’s head, but it just barely missed him. I have never seen Albert so scared, and I have NEVER seen Albert drive so fast, weaving in and out of traffic. Of course, the driving made me sick again, and as though my fear and shock wasn’t enough, I was now leaning out the window puking the whole rest of the way home. By the time we got home, the whole outside of the car was covered in my vomit, it was all over my face, and the house boys had crowded all around me as I clumsily tried to wash the “residue” off of myself.
It was quite a week I would have to say, quite a week. After all, TIA, TIA (This Is Africa)
Monday, April 27, 2009
TZ Life Continues
So my love for these people continues to grow and grow and its almost becoming unbearable. the thought of leaving never fails to bring a tightness in my chest and tears to my eyes. ever since i came back from my safari, i've been spending more and more time with everyone and growing closer and closer to them.
i think the ultimate highlight of my week was saturday night. last week, i was just hanging out with the boys and thinking how they never get to go out, they never have fun, they never just have time when they can be free and away from work and just let go. so i talked to bibi and i arranged to take the boys out. so on saturday, i took albert, iwe, lusekelo, james, simon, and amos to see ngwasuma (the most popular band in tanzania). all week they "prepared" themselves, singing and dancing. and they LOVED the concert. i will NEVER forget how much they laughed, how they danced, how they were SOO incredibly happy. it was probably the first time they had ever done anything like that, and for most of them, it may be the last. unless of course, i can arrange to do it once more before i leave. which could prove to be difficult. the boys enjoyed themselves SO much that they refused to leave when we were supposed to. bibi had told us to be home at 1 a.m. (since i was taking all the boys there would be no one to open the gate, so she was going to stay awake and wait for us). well, we couldn't get the boys to leave, so we didnt make it home until 3 a.m. needless to say, bibi was NOT pleased, but i took full responsibility because i felt getting in trouble was worth a night of so much fun for the boys. by the next day bibi insisted she was over it, and all was forgiven.
babu's been gone for a few days now because his sister died last week, so he left to go to the funeral and travel around to other parts of TZ to see family. When his sister died, our house was filled with family and everyone was cooking and we basically had a HUGE "sleepover" for 2 nights.
i bought all the people who work at the house their own english-swahili/swahili-english dictionary to help them communicate with me (i bought myself one, too). apparently, eliza and petronella have been going to english classes every other day for the past 4-5 months and that has definitely been helping them. iwe and i have been working on his english, he has been completing the tests and assignments that i give my class. one person who has latched on to me, MUCH to my surprise, is lusekelo. he and i have been sitting and working on his english every night. i tell him stories, we work on his pronunciation and vocabulary, and i help him with his writing and spelling. if im sitting inside, he makes the stupidest reasons to come in and sit there as long as possible, or he calls me and lets it ring once, and this his way of telling me he wants me to come outside to sit and talk with him. my students are also seeking me much more than i expected they would. they actually come to me during their free periods and ask me to have an extra class. one of the massai boys who is a guard at the school is illiterate (he's in his late 20's), but he's just been learning to write the alphabet and he very proudly showed me his a, b, and c scribbles today. VERY cute.
many of the teachers are really making me angry, two of them in particular. they are so lazy and so irresponsible. there are many times when they just sit in the staff room and dont teach their classes. last week i went to help at ELA, the nursery school, and i was on my way back to fanaka around 11:30 and i came across those two teachers sitting at the bar. i told bibi and she had quite a talk with them. then, the very next day, one of them came to school two hours late with no reason. today, i came back from class and saw that my pen was missing from my desk. it was the only one i had with me, so i was searching for it. i spotted it on one of the teachers' desks along with about 4 other pens (so he obviously wasn't "borrowing" it out of need). i walked over, picked up the pen, and said, "yeah, this is mine," and sat back down at my desk. the two teachers said some things in swahili to each other and giggled like they always do so stupidly. the teacher who took my pen also owes the shop next to our house about $30 for beer he never paid for one night. somedays it takes all i have not to walk over and punch those two in the face.
BUT, other than that, haha, i like school, and i live my students. sometimes they talk too much and they drive me crazy, but i do my best to incorporate things into class that they will find "entertaining" and its done a lot to keep them interested. they are precious. i really, really love them.
thats the latest from tz. :)
i think the ultimate highlight of my week was saturday night. last week, i was just hanging out with the boys and thinking how they never get to go out, they never have fun, they never just have time when they can be free and away from work and just let go. so i talked to bibi and i arranged to take the boys out. so on saturday, i took albert, iwe, lusekelo, james, simon, and amos to see ngwasuma (the most popular band in tanzania). all week they "prepared" themselves, singing and dancing. and they LOVED the concert. i will NEVER forget how much they laughed, how they danced, how they were SOO incredibly happy. it was probably the first time they had ever done anything like that, and for most of them, it may be the last. unless of course, i can arrange to do it once more before i leave. which could prove to be difficult. the boys enjoyed themselves SO much that they refused to leave when we were supposed to. bibi had told us to be home at 1 a.m. (since i was taking all the boys there would be no one to open the gate, so she was going to stay awake and wait for us). well, we couldn't get the boys to leave, so we didnt make it home until 3 a.m. needless to say, bibi was NOT pleased, but i took full responsibility because i felt getting in trouble was worth a night of so much fun for the boys. by the next day bibi insisted she was over it, and all was forgiven.
babu's been gone for a few days now because his sister died last week, so he left to go to the funeral and travel around to other parts of TZ to see family. When his sister died, our house was filled with family and everyone was cooking and we basically had a HUGE "sleepover" for 2 nights.
i bought all the people who work at the house their own english-swahili/swahili-english dictionary to help them communicate with me (i bought myself one, too). apparently, eliza and petronella have been going to english classes every other day for the past 4-5 months and that has definitely been helping them. iwe and i have been working on his english, he has been completing the tests and assignments that i give my class. one person who has latched on to me, MUCH to my surprise, is lusekelo. he and i have been sitting and working on his english every night. i tell him stories, we work on his pronunciation and vocabulary, and i help him with his writing and spelling. if im sitting inside, he makes the stupidest reasons to come in and sit there as long as possible, or he calls me and lets it ring once, and this his way of telling me he wants me to come outside to sit and talk with him. my students are also seeking me much more than i expected they would. they actually come to me during their free periods and ask me to have an extra class. one of the massai boys who is a guard at the school is illiterate (he's in his late 20's), but he's just been learning to write the alphabet and he very proudly showed me his a, b, and c scribbles today. VERY cute.
many of the teachers are really making me angry, two of them in particular. they are so lazy and so irresponsible. there are many times when they just sit in the staff room and dont teach their classes. last week i went to help at ELA, the nursery school, and i was on my way back to fanaka around 11:30 and i came across those two teachers sitting at the bar. i told bibi and she had quite a talk with them. then, the very next day, one of them came to school two hours late with no reason. today, i came back from class and saw that my pen was missing from my desk. it was the only one i had with me, so i was searching for it. i spotted it on one of the teachers' desks along with about 4 other pens (so he obviously wasn't "borrowing" it out of need). i walked over, picked up the pen, and said, "yeah, this is mine," and sat back down at my desk. the two teachers said some things in swahili to each other and giggled like they always do so stupidly. the teacher who took my pen also owes the shop next to our house about $30 for beer he never paid for one night. somedays it takes all i have not to walk over and punch those two in the face.
BUT, other than that, haha, i like school, and i live my students. sometimes they talk too much and they drive me crazy, but i do my best to incorporate things into class that they will find "entertaining" and its done a lot to keep them interested. they are precious. i really, really love them.
thats the latest from tz. :)
Friday, April 17, 2009
African Safari! :)
well, i just got back from my safari this past monday. so awesome. i loved it. i was with a group of 15 volunteers from cross cultural solutions. at first they seemed to be a bit too much for me to handle and i kept really quiet (mostly befriending the tanzanian guides) but i had gotten closer to them and started having much more fun by the last night.
first we went to lake manyara and we rode some camels there. very fun. getting up and down from camels is definitely an interesting experience. then we went to a massai village to learn a little bit more about their culture. one of the massai warriors proposed to me. and he was VERY serious about it too. he offered me 5 cows as a dowry. i was pretty offended when i found out he had 200 cows, haha. BUT, he told me he wanted to give me the 5 and sell the rest so that he could build me a very nice house like i would have in america. he even offered me the gold ring on my finger. AND he called me that night after we left, but i missed his call. haha. very funny. i felt bad because he was actually telling me he loved me and i was straight up laughing in his face. needless to say we all got quite a kick out of the situation.
we went on safari (meaning "journey") to the serengeti (meaning "endless plain") and ngorongoro crater which was created by a volcano. our main goal was to see the Big 5. The big 5 are the most sought out animals on safari because they are the most rare due to poaching in the past. the big 5 are water buffalo, lions, leopards, elephants, and rhinos. luckily we saw ALL of them! :) we also saw giraffes, zebras, wardhogs, hyenas, cheetahs, cool birds, gazelles, etc. it was really cool and SO gorgeous! i really wish i could go ahead and put up my pictures.
we've been back at school this week, but we havent really had normal classes. many, many of the students were sent home because they still havent paid school fees from the beginning of the school year. so a lot of the kids are missing and im pretty sad because its some of my favorites who arent here. i havent been able to give new material, so we've just been doing reading exercises and having class discussions.
i dont know why, but ive really been missing greece lately, and my family and friends there. i think i might just be sad at the realization that i cant see them this year. anyway, things are great here, and i hope things are great where each of you are as well! i love you all soo much!
first we went to lake manyara and we rode some camels there. very fun. getting up and down from camels is definitely an interesting experience. then we went to a massai village to learn a little bit more about their culture. one of the massai warriors proposed to me. and he was VERY serious about it too. he offered me 5 cows as a dowry. i was pretty offended when i found out he had 200 cows, haha. BUT, he told me he wanted to give me the 5 and sell the rest so that he could build me a very nice house like i would have in america. he even offered me the gold ring on my finger. AND he called me that night after we left, but i missed his call. haha. very funny. i felt bad because he was actually telling me he loved me and i was straight up laughing in his face. needless to say we all got quite a kick out of the situation.
we went on safari (meaning "journey") to the serengeti (meaning "endless plain") and ngorongoro crater which was created by a volcano. our main goal was to see the Big 5. The big 5 are the most sought out animals on safari because they are the most rare due to poaching in the past. the big 5 are water buffalo, lions, leopards, elephants, and rhinos. luckily we saw ALL of them! :) we also saw giraffes, zebras, wardhogs, hyenas, cheetahs, cool birds, gazelles, etc. it was really cool and SO gorgeous! i really wish i could go ahead and put up my pictures.
we've been back at school this week, but we havent really had normal classes. many, many of the students were sent home because they still havent paid school fees from the beginning of the school year. so a lot of the kids are missing and im pretty sad because its some of my favorites who arent here. i havent been able to give new material, so we've just been doing reading exercises and having class discussions.
i dont know why, but ive really been missing greece lately, and my family and friends there. i think i might just be sad at the realization that i cant see them this year. anyway, things are great here, and i hope things are great where each of you are as well! i love you all soo much!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
A "Munzungu's" Life
Wow, this is the fastest i've been back for another blog. right now i'm in the town of moshi. i just got here after an 8 hour bus ride. i'm staying the night here tonight, and tomorrow im setting off for one of Africa's famous safaris to the serengeti and ngorongoro crater, as well as a massai culture tour. apparently camel riding is also part of the deal. sweet as. im excited. and the drive over here was gorgeous. i wanted so badly to be sitting by the window so i could hang out of it and take pictures, but i feel sure i would have completely tormented the guy beside me if i tried to reach across him for the bajillion photo opps.
so, its the rainy season here in tanzania, particularly in the area where i live. and the roads are crazy. theyre mostly dirt roads with HUGE holes that fill with mud and they are sometimes QUITE a challange to walk through. ESPECIALLY when the CRAZY local drivers are barreling through at ridiculous speeds. basically, if you're anywhere around, even trying to navigate your way through a horridly huge and deep puddle, you better get your ass to running because you're about to be as flat as a chapati (or pancake).
speaking of pancakes...lets talk about food. i eat the same thing every day for lunch and dinner. rice, beans, beef, maybe some cabbage, maybe some cooked bananas. so far, im not tired of it, but i am tired of breakfast, its the meal i look forward to least. we eat cereal with boiling hot milk. not so enjoyable, especially when you're sweating to death. also, when the milk starts to cool, it gets this white, filmy cream stuff on top of it, and the sight of it alone is enough to make me throw up. also, another thing which may lead to loss of appetite if your mind is not kept in check is the awful crunch that randomly comes up in the food. i dont know if its dirt or what, but, its quite unenjoyable.
going into the city is a nightmare. a total nightmare. it takes forever, its so crowded, its dirty, and you're bound to come home with an awful headache. the city is only 30 km away from my village, but it can take close to 2 hours to get there. yesterday, cassie and i had to go into the city for a couple of errands. we were literally done in 30 minutes. but because of flooding and buses and blah blah blah, we got home 7 hours after we left. that was fun. or maybe not. generally, everything here takes FOREVER, no matter what. patience is a necessity.
i guess this post has mostly been complaining, but i really love it here. for the past couple of years, there has been a small piece of me that has felt emotionally dead. i just havent been moved or touched by things as i once was. and thats really been bothering me for a while. but ever since i got here, i have been moved to tears by the smallest of things. i cry so much it seems, but theyve been such good tears. but, some of my tears aren't really good ones... this place is REALLY making me miss nigel. i cannot stop thinking about how it would be to have him here. i cant help but look around at these people and this place and KNOW he would love it. i cant help but think that this is undoubtably a place his feet would have walked, his smile would have greeted tanzanians, his arms would have hugged these precious children, and being called a "munzungo" would not have even phased him. everytime i get in a dala dala, i wish he was there with me.
i know i was meant to email a lot of you, but the internet is too inconvenient here to really do so. keeping up with the blog is about as much as i have time for. so keep reading. i miss you all!
so, its the rainy season here in tanzania, particularly in the area where i live. and the roads are crazy. theyre mostly dirt roads with HUGE holes that fill with mud and they are sometimes QUITE a challange to walk through. ESPECIALLY when the CRAZY local drivers are barreling through at ridiculous speeds. basically, if you're anywhere around, even trying to navigate your way through a horridly huge and deep puddle, you better get your ass to running because you're about to be as flat as a chapati (or pancake).
speaking of pancakes...lets talk about food. i eat the same thing every day for lunch and dinner. rice, beans, beef, maybe some cabbage, maybe some cooked bananas. so far, im not tired of it, but i am tired of breakfast, its the meal i look forward to least. we eat cereal with boiling hot milk. not so enjoyable, especially when you're sweating to death. also, when the milk starts to cool, it gets this white, filmy cream stuff on top of it, and the sight of it alone is enough to make me throw up. also, another thing which may lead to loss of appetite if your mind is not kept in check is the awful crunch that randomly comes up in the food. i dont know if its dirt or what, but, its quite unenjoyable.
going into the city is a nightmare. a total nightmare. it takes forever, its so crowded, its dirty, and you're bound to come home with an awful headache. the city is only 30 km away from my village, but it can take close to 2 hours to get there. yesterday, cassie and i had to go into the city for a couple of errands. we were literally done in 30 minutes. but because of flooding and buses and blah blah blah, we got home 7 hours after we left. that was fun. or maybe not. generally, everything here takes FOREVER, no matter what. patience is a necessity.
i guess this post has mostly been complaining, but i really love it here. for the past couple of years, there has been a small piece of me that has felt emotionally dead. i just havent been moved or touched by things as i once was. and thats really been bothering me for a while. but ever since i got here, i have been moved to tears by the smallest of things. i cry so much it seems, but theyve been such good tears. but, some of my tears aren't really good ones... this place is REALLY making me miss nigel. i cannot stop thinking about how it would be to have him here. i cant help but look around at these people and this place and KNOW he would love it. i cant help but think that this is undoubtably a place his feet would have walked, his smile would have greeted tanzanians, his arms would have hugged these precious children, and being called a "munzungo" would not have even phased him. everytime i get in a dala dala, i wish he was there with me.
i know i was meant to email a lot of you, but the internet is too inconvenient here to really do so. keeping up with the blog is about as much as i have time for. so keep reading. i miss you all!
Monday, April 6, 2009
The people i love most in Tanzania
well, time continues to pass and ive already been here 3 weeks. it really feels as though the time has flown by. but im completely falling in love with everyone here. what else is to be expected from me, right? for the first couple of weeks i was very shy and quiet, just taking everything in. i didnt really make much of an effort to talk to people. but the last week i have REALLY been opening up and being myself and joking around with everyone and beginning my usual habit of giving gifts. i really love these people, so so much. i have to tell you a bit more about some of them....
first there are bibi and babu, my host parents. ive mentioned them quite a bit but they really are so great. babu doesnt say much, but when he does he talks up a storm in a low, muffled voice and his eyes are closed for most of the conversation. but he is very kind, and he loves children. bibi was in tanazania's parliament for 14 years fighting for women's issues and equality. she tells it like it is, and isn't afraid of speaking against some of the more, what i would call, silly, ideas of this culture. they have 2 grown children, but have lost 3 others. one of their sons was murdered while studying in cuba. one of their daughters was going to have her appendix taken out and they gave her too much anesthesia and she died. another daughter had malaria, and the doctors gave her too much medication and she overdosed. its really so sad. but as a result, they founded the school and many children are getting opportunities they wouldn't have otherwise, although a lot of them are sadly wasting those opportunities.
i also really love the "help" at the house. our driver is by far my favorite. his name is albert and he is married to a gorgeous woman and they have 2 of the most beautiful children EVER. he barely speaks english, but he and i have such a great way of communicating with lots of laughs. he is SO cute. the girls, eliza and petranella, are very cute and they also cant speak english but they use as many words as they possibly can all the time and they really love to laugh at me. there are 5 "house boys." i say boys, but theyre actually between 24 and 30 years old. they are orphans and have come to our house to work in exchange for food and a place to sleep. they are alot of fun. simon does the most around the house, and he's also the one i talk to the least. amos works as a mechanic nearby, bibi and babu found him the job after he had been helping them for a while. iwe is studying to go back to school and he has such a funny voice. james barely speaks any english but he laughs a lot and he's always giving these flirtatious looks. i KNOW that he's one of those slick charmers and there's no telling what kind of things he would be saying if we spoke the same language. it may be better that we dont because i might decide i didnt like him so much if i really know what he was thinking. but as of now he's one of my faves. lucicado doesnt speak english either and up until yesterday i thought he was utterly afraid of me.
i love my students. they are so curious and ask so many questions. they want to know EVERYthing about me and ive become quite attached to many of them. we're on easter break now, but one of the students got my phone number before we left and he has been texting me relentlessly ever since. but i love it, and all of them.
the kid who i feel closest to is called Father. its not actually his name, but its what he's called. he is 7. cassie, the other volunteer and i, have developed quite a lot of concern for him. he is so smart, but he is being raised in an awful environment. his mother beats him, and apparently has sex with different men while he's in the room. he will certainly not have enough money to pay for school, so cassie and i want to do some fundraisers and send out some letters to get money to send him to a school some where away from his mom. we will be putting up a group on facebook really soon, and we are both so desperate to help him.
i feel like there's also so much i think about wanting to post, but once i get on the internet i cant think of any of it. ill be doing my best to put up as much as i can. i love you all!
first there are bibi and babu, my host parents. ive mentioned them quite a bit but they really are so great. babu doesnt say much, but when he does he talks up a storm in a low, muffled voice and his eyes are closed for most of the conversation. but he is very kind, and he loves children. bibi was in tanazania's parliament for 14 years fighting for women's issues and equality. she tells it like it is, and isn't afraid of speaking against some of the more, what i would call, silly, ideas of this culture. they have 2 grown children, but have lost 3 others. one of their sons was murdered while studying in cuba. one of their daughters was going to have her appendix taken out and they gave her too much anesthesia and she died. another daughter had malaria, and the doctors gave her too much medication and she overdosed. its really so sad. but as a result, they founded the school and many children are getting opportunities they wouldn't have otherwise, although a lot of them are sadly wasting those opportunities.
i also really love the "help" at the house. our driver is by far my favorite. his name is albert and he is married to a gorgeous woman and they have 2 of the most beautiful children EVER. he barely speaks english, but he and i have such a great way of communicating with lots of laughs. he is SO cute. the girls, eliza and petranella, are very cute and they also cant speak english but they use as many words as they possibly can all the time and they really love to laugh at me. there are 5 "house boys." i say boys, but theyre actually between 24 and 30 years old. they are orphans and have come to our house to work in exchange for food and a place to sleep. they are alot of fun. simon does the most around the house, and he's also the one i talk to the least. amos works as a mechanic nearby, bibi and babu found him the job after he had been helping them for a while. iwe is studying to go back to school and he has such a funny voice. james barely speaks any english but he laughs a lot and he's always giving these flirtatious looks. i KNOW that he's one of those slick charmers and there's no telling what kind of things he would be saying if we spoke the same language. it may be better that we dont because i might decide i didnt like him so much if i really know what he was thinking. but as of now he's one of my faves. lucicado doesnt speak english either and up until yesterday i thought he was utterly afraid of me.
i love my students. they are so curious and ask so many questions. they want to know EVERYthing about me and ive become quite attached to many of them. we're on easter break now, but one of the students got my phone number before we left and he has been texting me relentlessly ever since. but i love it, and all of them.
the kid who i feel closest to is called Father. its not actually his name, but its what he's called. he is 7. cassie, the other volunteer and i, have developed quite a lot of concern for him. he is so smart, but he is being raised in an awful environment. his mother beats him, and apparently has sex with different men while he's in the room. he will certainly not have enough money to pay for school, so cassie and i want to do some fundraisers and send out some letters to get money to send him to a school some where away from his mom. we will be putting up a group on facebook really soon, and we are both so desperate to help him.
i feel like there's also so much i think about wanting to post, but once i get on the internet i cant think of any of it. ill be doing my best to put up as much as i can. i love you all!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
A whole new world
Wow. life here is soo different. sooo different. as is to be expected, but its so good. i really, really love my host family. they are so precious. everyone in africa is family, they really are. you never know if someone is REALLY related because everyone is your brother, sister, mama, baba, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, uncle, etc. I call my host parents, who are 68 and 75, bibi and babu, meaning grandmother and grandfather. and the kids i get close to refer to me as auntie lena. our family has 2 "house girls" and a driver, and a few boys who help around the house. that makes it seem as though the family i'm living with is really rich. but thats not the case. its actually incredibly common for families to have hired help like that, especially older people like bibi and babu. they still struggle financially. they give all they have to the school they run and to the people and family friends around them who are in need. they are sooo generous. we dont have running water. we bathe from buckets, and we boil all the water before we use it so as to make it safe. but, i definitely came totally prepared to live in a hut or something of the sort, and i feel like my life is so luxurious in comparison to that. this weekend i went to a nice resort. i didnt event pay to stay there, i only went there to have a drink and hang out at the pool. and it felt WRONG to be there. as though it was just not right to be in such a nice place. it was strange. i was in awe whereas at home it wouldn't have been THAT impressive...although it was really nice, dont get me wrong.
I'm having a hard time getting used to my "white person" fame. its so weird to be walking down the street having people point and yell "white person" or come and touch me. i do not like having a lot of attention on me and it is definitely impossible to avoid it here. everyone is staring at me all the time. and i ALWAYS have to remember that here it is a compliment to be called "white person." my initial reaction is to get angry and cop an attitude, but they say it because it makes them happy to see me and i constantly have to remind myself of that.
i already have some favorite students at the school. they are sooo precious and there are some of them i would love to just sit with for hours and talk (as much as possible) and play around. i also went to a school for 2-7 year olds last week. they were sooooo cute that i just cried as i watched them practice their english and sing their little songs. i couldnt even believe how beautiful that time was. they were the most precious thing i had ever seen. i took a video a really wanted to post, along with some pictures of my time here so far, but the internet is SO slow that i think it will be a problem. that makes me sad because i really want you all to be able to see the things that i am seeing.
i love and miss you all. even though its a lot harder for me to stay in touch with you all as well as i usually do, you all have to know i still think about you just as much and still love you all like crazy!!! :)
I'm having a hard time getting used to my "white person" fame. its so weird to be walking down the street having people point and yell "white person" or come and touch me. i do not like having a lot of attention on me and it is definitely impossible to avoid it here. everyone is staring at me all the time. and i ALWAYS have to remember that here it is a compliment to be called "white person." my initial reaction is to get angry and cop an attitude, but they say it because it makes them happy to see me and i constantly have to remind myself of that.
i already have some favorite students at the school. they are sooo precious and there are some of them i would love to just sit with for hours and talk (as much as possible) and play around. i also went to a school for 2-7 year olds last week. they were sooooo cute that i just cried as i watched them practice their english and sing their little songs. i couldnt even believe how beautiful that time was. they were the most precious thing i had ever seen. i took a video a really wanted to post, along with some pictures of my time here so far, but the internet is SO slow that i think it will be a problem. that makes me sad because i really want you all to be able to see the things that i am seeing.
i love and miss you all. even though its a lot harder for me to stay in touch with you all as well as i usually do, you all have to know i still think about you just as much and still love you all like crazy!!! :)
Sunday, March 22, 2009
The beginning of my Tanzanian adventure
Wow. So far this journey has been exciting, interesting, unexpected, fun, irritating. let me begin by saying...it is HOT. freaking hot. i spend all day of every day, and night, absolutely COVERED in sweat and the 3 short, sweat-free minutes following a cold shower (from my bucket) are pure heaven. its all so interesting.
the ride from the airport to my temporary housing was a bit...scary...and that might be a bit of an understatement. what you think of as roads...forget about it. what you think of as bad drivers and crazy traffic...forget about it. and im used to GREEK traffic and this is still driving hell on earth. hahaha. but, so fun at the same time. local buses, ooooh local buses. surprisingly, i LOVE them. they are actually vans. and they are forever crowded to the brim with people. my first dala-dala (thats the name of the bus system) experience was on a van for 13...mhm, we were up to 22 people in that van. many, many of which were standing. a couple were poking their bodies out the windows to create more space which in itself is quite scary since there have been times when the van literally rubs up against another van when making turns or pulling out of a "stop." omg, my mom is going to DIE if she reads this! haha.
the attention i get here for being white is ridiculous. im like some kind of god. its so weird. i walk down the street, and its like "oooooh, helloooo; you're so beautiful, etc etc." and the best..."munzugu, munzugu," meaning "white person, white person." but, i dont feel in any type of danger at all. people say alot, but they are sooo nice and kind and everyone always has a huge smile plastered on their face and they are just beautiful, SO beautiful.
my first few days were SO frustrating. the guy working for IFRE in tanzania is a joke. apparently, im one of the only people who has ever been picked up from the airport. i had to pay for SO much my first few days that i was NOT supposed to pay for and we wont even get into that because its ridiculous and theres SO much i could say. i have not even met this joke of a man yet even though he was supposed to spend my whole first week here giving me language and culture lessons. and what have i learned?? diddly squat. another joke. myself, and another girl im here with know of many, many situations in which this man has utterly failed to do his job and we are complaining ALOT to our organization.
anyway, i just got to my official placement yesterday. the family im living with is AWESOME. i dont think an elderly couple could be any more kind and generous and giving than this couple...and they are hilarious on top of it. omg, i am constantly laughing. and they are REALLY loved and respected people in town so there are always a ton of different people hanging out at our house, and it is great. there are up to 12 or 13 of us there at any given. not to mention all the adorable children EVERYWHERE. love them. i also went to check out the school i'll be teaching at. i'll be teaching 14 and 20 year olds and i got to meet a lot of them. i was met with a mix of excitement, incredible shyness, and "you're beautiful" followed by absolute fear to look at me any longer. haha, but they are precious. from what im learning, though, it is going to be incredibly challenging. like...beyond what i could even begin to describe. i have my work cut out for me without a doubt. but its great, and i love it! :)
the ride from the airport to my temporary housing was a bit...scary...and that might be a bit of an understatement. what you think of as roads...forget about it. what you think of as bad drivers and crazy traffic...forget about it. and im used to GREEK traffic and this is still driving hell on earth. hahaha. but, so fun at the same time. local buses, ooooh local buses. surprisingly, i LOVE them. they are actually vans. and they are forever crowded to the brim with people. my first dala-dala (thats the name of the bus system) experience was on a van for 13...mhm, we were up to 22 people in that van. many, many of which were standing. a couple were poking their bodies out the windows to create more space which in itself is quite scary since there have been times when the van literally rubs up against another van when making turns or pulling out of a "stop." omg, my mom is going to DIE if she reads this! haha.
the attention i get here for being white is ridiculous. im like some kind of god. its so weird. i walk down the street, and its like "oooooh, helloooo; you're so beautiful, etc etc." and the best..."munzugu, munzugu," meaning "white person, white person." but, i dont feel in any type of danger at all. people say alot, but they are sooo nice and kind and everyone always has a huge smile plastered on their face and they are just beautiful, SO beautiful.
my first few days were SO frustrating. the guy working for IFRE in tanzania is a joke. apparently, im one of the only people who has ever been picked up from the airport. i had to pay for SO much my first few days that i was NOT supposed to pay for and we wont even get into that because its ridiculous and theres SO much i could say. i have not even met this joke of a man yet even though he was supposed to spend my whole first week here giving me language and culture lessons. and what have i learned?? diddly squat. another joke. myself, and another girl im here with know of many, many situations in which this man has utterly failed to do his job and we are complaining ALOT to our organization.
anyway, i just got to my official placement yesterday. the family im living with is AWESOME. i dont think an elderly couple could be any more kind and generous and giving than this couple...and they are hilarious on top of it. omg, i am constantly laughing. and they are REALLY loved and respected people in town so there are always a ton of different people hanging out at our house, and it is great. there are up to 12 or 13 of us there at any given. not to mention all the adorable children EVERYWHERE. love them. i also went to check out the school i'll be teaching at. i'll be teaching 14 and 20 year olds and i got to meet a lot of them. i was met with a mix of excitement, incredible shyness, and "you're beautiful" followed by absolute fear to look at me any longer. haha, but they are precious. from what im learning, though, it is going to be incredibly challenging. like...beyond what i could even begin to describe. i have my work cut out for me without a doubt. but its great, and i love it! :)
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Traveling misfortunes...the story of my life...
well, i was all set. on my way to africa. riiiight. my travel plans can never go as planned. NEVER. i missed my flight to london, and guess what??!! yay...im stuck in newark for 3 DAYS!!! i don't leave here until monday night and i don't get into tanzania until wednesday morning. SO frustrating. So i'm stuck here in jersey, by myself, with inadequate clothing for the COLD outside. sad times. and im missing part of the cultural immersion program i paid ans digned up for in africa with cultural/swahili language lessons. last night, when it all happened, i was just so frsutrated and in tears. im a bit better with it now, although i really wish i could just get a move on to tanzania. THAT'S where i want to be right now, definitely not stuck in jersey. anyway, i've gotten in touch with my director and he says he WILL be there to pick me up wednesday. i surely hope so.
on a side note, i am going to the Univeristy of Colorado in Boulder for graduate school this fall. i'm excited. i love that place, and my friends who already live out there.
i'll keep you all updated! WISH ME A SAFE JOURNEY!!!...that actually gets me there by wednesday!!
on a side note, i am going to the Univeristy of Colorado in Boulder for graduate school this fall. i'm excited. i love that place, and my friends who already live out there.
i'll keep you all updated! WISH ME A SAFE JOURNEY!!!...that actually gets me there by wednesday!!
Monday, February 23, 2009
Running away from what I most want...
I truly hate those moments, those instances in my life, when the two dichotomous parts of my being battle inside of me against one another. They battle for control of my mind and heart. I’m not sure either of them is stronger, or that either of them ever wins the battle. Rather, I am left in a constant state of confusion regarding almost everything I ever question, or doubt, or struggle to understand. I constantly feel pulled in two completely different directions, unable to allow myself to find peace or resolution. Sometimes, I feel like my soul is a battlefield, and there will never be a victor.
There have been times when I have LONGED for love, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance. There have been times when I have felt so alone, and so unloved. Times when I have questioned why I bother to do the things I do, wondered if anything I ever do matters to anyone. I have these insecure, self-doubting, and self-deprecating moments in life when I think that no act of self-sacrifice can be sacrificial enough, or that no act of kindness is quite kind enough. Moments when I feel sure that I can never do anything right for anyone. These are the moments in which I long to have someone, anyone, come along and prove me wrong.
And I have been fortunate enough to have had beautiful people come into my life at just the right times, and do just that…they’ve given me some sort of validation. Some sort of love I’ve longed for (which I also, by the way, hate that I long for such things). There are several instances which have brought me something irreplaceable and have touched my heart in ways deeper than can be known to anyone involved…..the first time I took arnaud and edouard to wal-mart. They got down on their knees in the parking lot and offered me a bouquet of flowers as a thank you. I dropped them off at their apartment and wept in my car because no one had ever made such a gesture toward me….jenn wrote me the most beautiful letter for my 21 birthday and I read words I felt I was surely unworthy of…henrik tells me often that my laugh is enough to make him happy…zita has given me unconditional love and has spent hours listening to the nonsensical talk of the torment that goes on inside of me daily….these people, along with others, have given me something so meaningful, and so deep that they will never be able to comprehend the place they hold in my heart.
And yet, despite my desire for this love…and despite those beautiful times when it is fulfilled…there is a war going on inside of me. For some reason, when amazing people come into my life and give me selfless love, I often find myself doing the smallest of things in attempts to drive those people away. And while it doesn’t make a lot of sense, the reason is actually very simple. Regardless of my desire to be shown love and appreciation…the simple, HONEST fact is that in no way do I believe I deserve it. So, when someone attempts to give me this very thing I long for, I attempt to somehow drive them away. I feel like I don’t deserve happiness, I feel that I deserve to be hurt. And people who give to me so generously and so lovingly make me feel even more unworthy than I already feel without them being there. Sometimes, I just want them to be mean to me. I want them to raise their voice, and lose their patience. And I HATE that I feel that way, and yet these two beings within me continue to battle. As much as I long to be loved, I don’t feel that I deserve to be loved. Maybe that’s part of the reason I have this incredibly strong desire to GIVE love…because I know people NEED it, and yet it’s something I won’t allow myself to have.
I realized the other day that I am, in so many ways, like the apostle Thomas. When Jesus was planning to return to Judea, it was almost certain that he would meet death. And Thomas said, “Let us go that we might die with him.” Yet, when Jesus was resurrected, it was Thomas who couldn’t wrap his mind around what had happened. It was Thomas, who despite his dedication to the Lord, is now known as the apostle who doubted. It was Thomas who needed to put his fingers in the wounds of Jesus to be convinced that He was, in fact, alive. I am Thomas…In my faith, and in so many other ways. I clung to Jesus with steadfastness, and I sacrificed all I could to serve Him. But the moment my doubts got too big, the moment my questions were just a LITTLE too big to wrap my head around, I needed God to PROVE himself to me. I needed to put my fingers in His wounds. But, it doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t work that way in faith, OR in life. I can’t be dedicated and devoted to something or someone until the moment it gets a LITTLE too hard, until it gets to the point where it scares me a LITTLE too much. I can’t just run away when I’ve reached that point. And I can’t expect some concrete validation…some kind words, or some unexplainable miracle…to prove truth to me. I can’t look to other people for my happiness, or for my self-worth. And, considering the battle that constantly rages within me, I can’t look inside myself for it either. I have to look to a place where I seem to have forgotten HOW to look…I have to look to a place that was once a comfort, but is now a fear…I have to look to a place that I’m not even sure I really believe in anymore…….I have to look…UP.
There have been times when I have LONGED for love, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance. There have been times when I have felt so alone, and so unloved. Times when I have questioned why I bother to do the things I do, wondered if anything I ever do matters to anyone. I have these insecure, self-doubting, and self-deprecating moments in life when I think that no act of self-sacrifice can be sacrificial enough, or that no act of kindness is quite kind enough. Moments when I feel sure that I can never do anything right for anyone. These are the moments in which I long to have someone, anyone, come along and prove me wrong.
And I have been fortunate enough to have had beautiful people come into my life at just the right times, and do just that…they’ve given me some sort of validation. Some sort of love I’ve longed for (which I also, by the way, hate that I long for such things). There are several instances which have brought me something irreplaceable and have touched my heart in ways deeper than can be known to anyone involved…..the first time I took arnaud and edouard to wal-mart. They got down on their knees in the parking lot and offered me a bouquet of flowers as a thank you. I dropped them off at their apartment and wept in my car because no one had ever made such a gesture toward me….jenn wrote me the most beautiful letter for my 21 birthday and I read words I felt I was surely unworthy of…henrik tells me often that my laugh is enough to make him happy…zita has given me unconditional love and has spent hours listening to the nonsensical talk of the torment that goes on inside of me daily….these people, along with others, have given me something so meaningful, and so deep that they will never be able to comprehend the place they hold in my heart.
And yet, despite my desire for this love…and despite those beautiful times when it is fulfilled…there is a war going on inside of me. For some reason, when amazing people come into my life and give me selfless love, I often find myself doing the smallest of things in attempts to drive those people away. And while it doesn’t make a lot of sense, the reason is actually very simple. Regardless of my desire to be shown love and appreciation…the simple, HONEST fact is that in no way do I believe I deserve it. So, when someone attempts to give me this very thing I long for, I attempt to somehow drive them away. I feel like I don’t deserve happiness, I feel that I deserve to be hurt. And people who give to me so generously and so lovingly make me feel even more unworthy than I already feel without them being there. Sometimes, I just want them to be mean to me. I want them to raise their voice, and lose their patience. And I HATE that I feel that way, and yet these two beings within me continue to battle. As much as I long to be loved, I don’t feel that I deserve to be loved. Maybe that’s part of the reason I have this incredibly strong desire to GIVE love…because I know people NEED it, and yet it’s something I won’t allow myself to have.
I realized the other day that I am, in so many ways, like the apostle Thomas. When Jesus was planning to return to Judea, it was almost certain that he would meet death. And Thomas said, “Let us go that we might die with him.” Yet, when Jesus was resurrected, it was Thomas who couldn’t wrap his mind around what had happened. It was Thomas, who despite his dedication to the Lord, is now known as the apostle who doubted. It was Thomas who needed to put his fingers in the wounds of Jesus to be convinced that He was, in fact, alive. I am Thomas…In my faith, and in so many other ways. I clung to Jesus with steadfastness, and I sacrificed all I could to serve Him. But the moment my doubts got too big, the moment my questions were just a LITTLE too big to wrap my head around, I needed God to PROVE himself to me. I needed to put my fingers in His wounds. But, it doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t work that way in faith, OR in life. I can’t be dedicated and devoted to something or someone until the moment it gets a LITTLE too hard, until it gets to the point where it scares me a LITTLE too much. I can’t just run away when I’ve reached that point. And I can’t expect some concrete validation…some kind words, or some unexplainable miracle…to prove truth to me. I can’t look to other people for my happiness, or for my self-worth. And, considering the battle that constantly rages within me, I can’t look inside myself for it either. I have to look to a place where I seem to have forgotten HOW to look…I have to look to a place that was once a comfort, but is now a fear…I have to look to a place that I’m not even sure I really believe in anymore…….I have to look…UP.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Africa is SO close...
March 13. That's the day i leave for africa. CRAZY! i can't believe i'm already here. spending time in africa has been something i've been SO serious about doing for close to 5 years now. and it is so surreal to think that after all this time, it's REAL. I have a plane ticket, i have paid IFRE over $2,200, i have gotten several shots and malaria meds. i will be living in TANZANIA for a little over 3 months. i'll be with a family, who i know nothing about. i will be teaching in a school of orphans, which i also pretty much know nothing about. I feel that the whole experience is going to pretty much be a surprise. There is ONE thing i know without a DOUBT...this trip will, in some way, whether for good or bad or both....ROCK my world. change me. take everything i thought i knew about life and people and throw it right out the window.
I'm SOOO excited. And until a couple of months ago, that's ALL i was. Now, i'm also scared. I'm scared of a lot of things regarding what my life might be like there. What my life might be like when i come back. Of the possibilities of dangerous situations, which seem to be very likely. BUT, i have NEVER been one to let fear stop me in such situations. Because more than i have fear, i have this incredibly strong desire to LIVE and to do it with love, and passion, and hope, and bravery. I truly believe that GREAT things and experiences can only be gained through risk, by taking chances. And i've always been one to do just that. and even if something doesn't go so well, THAT'S OK. i know more for next time. i've learned SOMEthing, no matter how small that something may be. and with every challenge, every experience, every person i come to know and love; i GROW, i CHANGE, i LEARN...and what are we without that?? isn't that what life is REALLY about? ...to better yourself THROUGH your attempts to better the world around you.
And most of the people who REALLY know me, KNOW that this is what i live for. to somehow better the world around me. i'm not going to start some campaign, or foundation, or even attempt to discover the cure for some awful disease. but i want to change the world around me by changing the lives of people around me, in small ways. i want to smile as much as possible. i want to laugh with all my soul. i want JOY. i want people to know they're loved, appreciated. whether i'm leaving secret notes at someone's door, or sending a card to australia, or a package to germany, or if i'm baking brownies for the sad boy next door, or even for the friend who already has something to smile about...i just wanna do little things that matter to someone in some way. and that's what i want to do in africa. i want to make those kids SMILE. those kids who have lost their families and who are struggling to find hope...i want to laugh with them, i want to hug them, i want to sit down and color a picture, or go in a field and pick flowers, or run on the sands of the beach. i want something as simple as a hug to communicate genuine LOVE.
i used to have this incredible faith. this ridiculously solid, and deep love for God. and somewhere along the way in the last two years, that all seems to have evaded me. honestly, i think that's the ONLY reason why going to africa now seems scary to me. and i think, in a lot of ways, that i'm hoping that being in africa will restore to me what i have lost, what i have failed to pursue. relationships take work, they take effort, and sacrifice, and recently i have failed to put any of the former into my relationship with God. i have completely let it fall FAR from my list of priorities. and i'm not sure how i feel about that. sometimes i'm overwhelemed with emotion, sometimes i'm apathetic. needless to say, it hasn't necessarily been an easy thing, but i'm hoping that in some way my time in africa will provide clarity...even if it's only to remind me of things i've known all along.
Anyway, it's SO important to me that you all know how much i love you. i know, i know, a lot of people think i'm one to use that word too easily. but...i use it honestly. i do love you. and i think we don't tell each other often enough how we feel. losing nigel, as PRECIOUS and wonderful and amazing as he was, was such a reminder of how important it is to live every day fully and to express love to the people around you. and it's SO sad that we have to lose people dear to us to start putting into practice something that should have been part of our lives all along. i've always been one to openly use the word "love" because i feel like it's one of the most beautiful and necessary elements of life. and i'm not afraid to be honest about the fact that i DO love easily, and that you don't have to be some amazing, incredible person for me to love you. i will love you no matter where you are or who you are or why you are that way. it is simply who i am. and it's the one thing i want you to NEVER forget about me.
I'm SOOO excited. And until a couple of months ago, that's ALL i was. Now, i'm also scared. I'm scared of a lot of things regarding what my life might be like there. What my life might be like when i come back. Of the possibilities of dangerous situations, which seem to be very likely. BUT, i have NEVER been one to let fear stop me in such situations. Because more than i have fear, i have this incredibly strong desire to LIVE and to do it with love, and passion, and hope, and bravery. I truly believe that GREAT things and experiences can only be gained through risk, by taking chances. And i've always been one to do just that. and even if something doesn't go so well, THAT'S OK. i know more for next time. i've learned SOMEthing, no matter how small that something may be. and with every challenge, every experience, every person i come to know and love; i GROW, i CHANGE, i LEARN...and what are we without that?? isn't that what life is REALLY about? ...to better yourself THROUGH your attempts to better the world around you.
And most of the people who REALLY know me, KNOW that this is what i live for. to somehow better the world around me. i'm not going to start some campaign, or foundation, or even attempt to discover the cure for some awful disease. but i want to change the world around me by changing the lives of people around me, in small ways. i want to smile as much as possible. i want to laugh with all my soul. i want JOY. i want people to know they're loved, appreciated. whether i'm leaving secret notes at someone's door, or sending a card to australia, or a package to germany, or if i'm baking brownies for the sad boy next door, or even for the friend who already has something to smile about...i just wanna do little things that matter to someone in some way. and that's what i want to do in africa. i want to make those kids SMILE. those kids who have lost their families and who are struggling to find hope...i want to laugh with them, i want to hug them, i want to sit down and color a picture, or go in a field and pick flowers, or run on the sands of the beach. i want something as simple as a hug to communicate genuine LOVE.
i used to have this incredible faith. this ridiculously solid, and deep love for God. and somewhere along the way in the last two years, that all seems to have evaded me. honestly, i think that's the ONLY reason why going to africa now seems scary to me. and i think, in a lot of ways, that i'm hoping that being in africa will restore to me what i have lost, what i have failed to pursue. relationships take work, they take effort, and sacrifice, and recently i have failed to put any of the former into my relationship with God. i have completely let it fall FAR from my list of priorities. and i'm not sure how i feel about that. sometimes i'm overwhelemed with emotion, sometimes i'm apathetic. needless to say, it hasn't necessarily been an easy thing, but i'm hoping that in some way my time in africa will provide clarity...even if it's only to remind me of things i've known all along.
Anyway, it's SO important to me that you all know how much i love you. i know, i know, a lot of people think i'm one to use that word too easily. but...i use it honestly. i do love you. and i think we don't tell each other often enough how we feel. losing nigel, as PRECIOUS and wonderful and amazing as he was, was such a reminder of how important it is to live every day fully and to express love to the people around you. and it's SO sad that we have to lose people dear to us to start putting into practice something that should have been part of our lives all along. i've always been one to openly use the word "love" because i feel like it's one of the most beautiful and necessary elements of life. and i'm not afraid to be honest about the fact that i DO love easily, and that you don't have to be some amazing, incredible person for me to love you. i will love you no matter where you are or who you are or why you are that way. it is simply who i am. and it's the one thing i want you to NEVER forget about me.
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