Running away from what I most want...

I truly hate those moments, those instances in my life, when the two dichotomous parts of my being battle inside of me against one another. They battle for control of my mind and heart. I’m not sure either of them is stronger, or that either of them ever wins the battle. Rather, I am left in a constant state of confusion regarding almost everything I ever question, or doubt, or struggle to understand. I constantly feel pulled in two completely different directions, unable to allow myself to find peace or resolution. Sometimes, I feel like my soul is a battlefield, and there will never be a victor.

There have been times when I have LONGED for love, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance. There have been times when I have felt so alone, and so unloved. Times when I have questioned why I bother to do the things I do, wondered if anything I ever do matters to anyone. I have these insecure, self-doubting, and self-deprecating moments in life when I think that no act of self-sacrifice can be sacrificial enough, or that no act of kindness is quite kind enough. Moments when I feel sure that I can never do anything right for anyone. These are the moments in which I long to have someone, anyone, come along and prove me wrong.

And I have been fortunate enough to have had beautiful people come into my life at just the right times, and do just that…they’ve given me some sort of validation. Some sort of love I’ve longed for (which I also, by the way, hate that I long for such things). There are several instances which have brought me something irreplaceable and have touched my heart in ways deeper than can be known to anyone involved…..the first time I took arnaud and edouard to wal-mart. They got down on their knees in the parking lot and offered me a bouquet of flowers as a thank you. I dropped them off at their apartment and wept in my car because no one had ever made such a gesture toward me….jenn wrote me the most beautiful letter for my 21 birthday and I read words I felt I was surely unworthy of…henrik tells me often that my laugh is enough to make him happy…zita has given me unconditional love and has spent hours listening to the nonsensical talk of the torment that goes on inside of me daily….these people, along with others, have given me something so meaningful, and so deep that they will never be able to comprehend the place they hold in my heart.

And yet, despite my desire for this love…and despite those beautiful times when it is fulfilled…there is a war going on inside of me. For some reason, when amazing people come into my life and give me selfless love, I often find myself doing the smallest of things in attempts to drive those people away. And while it doesn’t make a lot of sense, the reason is actually very simple. Regardless of my desire to be shown love and appreciation…the simple, HONEST fact is that in no way do I believe I deserve it. So, when someone attempts to give me this very thing I long for, I attempt to somehow drive them away. I feel like I don’t deserve happiness, I feel that I deserve to be hurt. And people who give to me so generously and so lovingly make me feel even more unworthy than I already feel without them being there. Sometimes, I just want them to be mean to me. I want them to raise their voice, and lose their patience. And I HATE that I feel that way, and yet these two beings within me continue to battle. As much as I long to be loved, I don’t feel that I deserve to be loved. Maybe that’s part of the reason I have this incredibly strong desire to GIVE love…because I know people NEED it, and yet it’s something I won’t allow myself to have.

I realized the other day that I am, in so many ways, like the apostle Thomas. When Jesus was planning to return to Judea, it was almost certain that he would meet death. And Thomas said, “Let us go that we might die with him.” Yet, when Jesus was resurrected, it was Thomas who couldn’t wrap his mind around what had happened. It was Thomas, who despite his dedication to the Lord, is now known as the apostle who doubted. It was Thomas who needed to put his fingers in the wounds of Jesus to be convinced that He was, in fact, alive. I am Thomas…In my faith, and in so many other ways. I clung to Jesus with steadfastness, and I sacrificed all I could to serve Him. But the moment my doubts got too big, the moment my questions were just a LITTLE too big to wrap my head around, I needed God to PROVE himself to me. I needed to put my fingers in His wounds. But, it doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t work that way in faith, OR in life. I can’t be dedicated and devoted to something or someone until the moment it gets a LITTLE too hard, until it gets to the point where it scares me a LITTLE too much. I can’t just run away when I’ve reached that point. And I can’t expect some concrete validation…some kind words, or some unexplainable miracle…to prove truth to me. I can’t look to other people for my happiness, or for my self-worth. And, considering the battle that constantly rages within me, I can’t look inside myself for it either. I have to look to a place where I seem to have forgotten HOW to look…I have to look to a place that was once a comfort, but is now a fear…I have to look to a place that I’m not even sure I really believe in anymore…….I have to look…UP.