Africa is SO close...

March 13. That's the day i leave for africa. CRAZY! i can't believe i'm already here. spending time in africa has been something i've been SO serious about doing for close to 5 years now. and it is so surreal to think that after all this time, it's REAL. I have a plane ticket, i have paid IFRE over $2,200, i have gotten several shots and malaria meds. i will be living in TANZANIA for a little over 3 months. i'll be with a family, who i know nothing about. i will be teaching in a school of orphans, which i also pretty much know nothing about. I feel that the whole experience is going to pretty much be a surprise. There is ONE thing i know without a DOUBT...this trip will, in some way, whether for good or bad or both....ROCK my world. change me. take everything i thought i knew about life and people and throw it right out the window.

I'm SOOO excited. And until a couple of months ago, that's ALL i was. Now, i'm also scared. I'm scared of a lot of things regarding what my life might be like there. What my life might be like when i come back. Of the possibilities of dangerous situations, which seem to be very likely. BUT, i have NEVER been one to let fear stop me in such situations. Because more than i have fear, i have this incredibly strong desire to LIVE and to do it with love, and passion, and hope, and bravery. I truly believe that GREAT things and experiences can only be gained through risk, by taking chances. And i've always been one to do just that. and even if something doesn't go so well, THAT'S OK. i know more for next time. i've learned SOMEthing, no matter how small that something may be. and with every challenge, every experience, every person i come to know and love; i GROW, i CHANGE, i LEARN...and what are we without that?? isn't that what life is REALLY about? ...to better yourself THROUGH your attempts to better the world around you.

And most of the people who REALLY know me, KNOW that this is what i live for. to somehow better the world around me. i'm not going to start some campaign, or foundation, or even attempt to discover the cure for some awful disease. but i want to change the world around me by changing the lives of people around me, in small ways. i want to smile as much as possible. i want to laugh with all my soul. i want JOY. i want people to know they're loved, appreciated. whether i'm leaving secret notes at someone's door, or sending a card to australia, or a package to germany, or if i'm baking brownies for the sad boy next door, or even for the friend who already has something to smile about...i just wanna do little things that matter to someone in some way. and that's what i want to do in africa. i want to make those kids SMILE. those kids who have lost their families and who are struggling to find hope...i want to laugh with them, i want to hug them, i want to sit down and color a picture, or go in a field and pick flowers, or run on the sands of the beach. i want something as simple as a hug to communicate genuine LOVE.

i used to have this incredible faith. this ridiculously solid, and deep love for God. and somewhere along the way in the last two years, that all seems to have evaded me. honestly, i think that's the ONLY reason why going to africa now seems scary to me. and i think, in a lot of ways, that i'm hoping that being in africa will restore to me what i have lost, what i have failed to pursue. relationships take work, they take effort, and sacrifice, and recently i have failed to put any of the former into my relationship with God. i have completely let it fall FAR from my list of priorities. and i'm not sure how i feel about that. sometimes i'm overwhelemed with emotion, sometimes i'm apathetic. needless to say, it hasn't necessarily been an easy thing, but i'm hoping that in some way my time in africa will provide clarity...even if it's only to remind me of things i've known all along.

Anyway, it's SO important to me that you all know how much i love you. i know, i know, a lot of people think i'm one to use that word too easily. but...i use it honestly. i do love you. and i think we don't tell each other often enough how we feel. losing nigel, as PRECIOUS and wonderful and amazing as he was, was such a reminder of how important it is to live every day fully and to express love to the people around you. and it's SO sad that we have to lose people dear to us to start putting into practice something that should have been part of our lives all along. i've always been one to openly use the word "love" because i feel like it's one of the most beautiful and necessary elements of life. and i'm not afraid to be honest about the fact that i DO love easily, and that you don't have to be some amazing, incredible person for me to love you. i will love you no matter where you are or who you are or why you are that way. it is simply who i am. and it's the one thing i want you to NEVER forget about me.