I truly hate those moments, those instances in my life, when the two dichotomous parts of my being battle inside of me against one another. They battle for control of my mind and heart. I’m not sure either of them is stronger, or that either of them ever wins the battle. Rather, I am left in a constant state of confusion regarding almost everything I ever question, or doubt, or struggle to understand. I constantly feel pulled in two completely different directions, unable to allow myself to find peace or resolution. Sometimes, I feel like my soul is a battlefield, and there will never be a victor.
There have been times when I have LONGED for love, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance. There have been times when I have felt so alone, and so unloved. Times when I have questioned why I bother to do the things I do, wondered if anything I ever do matters to anyone. I have these insecure, self-doubting, and self-deprecating moments in life when I think that no act of self-sacrifice can be sacrificial enough, or that no act of kindness is quite kind enough. Moments when I feel sure that I can never do anything right for anyone. These are the moments in which I long to have someone, anyone, come along and prove me wrong.
And I have been fortunate enough to have had beautiful people come into my life at just the right times, and do just that…they’ve given me some sort of validation. Some sort of love I’ve longed for (which I also, by the way, hate that I long for such things). There are several instances which have brought me something irreplaceable and have touched my heart in ways deeper than can be known to anyone involved…..the first time I took arnaud and edouard to wal-mart. They got down on their knees in the parking lot and offered me a bouquet of flowers as a thank you. I dropped them off at their apartment and wept in my car because no one had ever made such a gesture toward me….jenn wrote me the most beautiful letter for my 21 birthday and I read words I felt I was surely unworthy of…henrik tells me often that my laugh is enough to make him happy…zita has given me unconditional love and has spent hours listening to the nonsensical talk of the torment that goes on inside of me daily….these people, along with others, have given me something so meaningful, and so deep that they will never be able to comprehend the place they hold in my heart.
And yet, despite my desire for this love…and despite those beautiful times when it is fulfilled…there is a war going on inside of me. For some reason, when amazing people come into my life and give me selfless love, I often find myself doing the smallest of things in attempts to drive those people away. And while it doesn’t make a lot of sense, the reason is actually very simple. Regardless of my desire to be shown love and appreciation…the simple, HONEST fact is that in no way do I believe I deserve it. So, when someone attempts to give me this very thing I long for, I attempt to somehow drive them away. I feel like I don’t deserve happiness, I feel that I deserve to be hurt. And people who give to me so generously and so lovingly make me feel even more unworthy than I already feel without them being there. Sometimes, I just want them to be mean to me. I want them to raise their voice, and lose their patience. And I HATE that I feel that way, and yet these two beings within me continue to battle. As much as I long to be loved, I don’t feel that I deserve to be loved. Maybe that’s part of the reason I have this incredibly strong desire to GIVE love…because I know people NEED it, and yet it’s something I won’t allow myself to have.
I realized the other day that I am, in so many ways, like the apostle Thomas. When Jesus was planning to return to Judea, it was almost certain that he would meet death. And Thomas said, “Let us go that we might die with him.” Yet, when Jesus was resurrected, it was Thomas who couldn’t wrap his mind around what had happened. It was Thomas, who despite his dedication to the Lord, is now known as the apostle who doubted. It was Thomas who needed to put his fingers in the wounds of Jesus to be convinced that He was, in fact, alive. I am Thomas…In my faith, and in so many other ways. I clung to Jesus with steadfastness, and I sacrificed all I could to serve Him. But the moment my doubts got too big, the moment my questions were just a LITTLE too big to wrap my head around, I needed God to PROVE himself to me. I needed to put my fingers in His wounds. But, it doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t work that way in faith, OR in life. I can’t be dedicated and devoted to something or someone until the moment it gets a LITTLE too hard, until it gets to the point where it scares me a LITTLE too much. I can’t just run away when I’ve reached that point. And I can’t expect some concrete validation…some kind words, or some unexplainable miracle…to prove truth to me. I can’t look to other people for my happiness, or for my self-worth. And, considering the battle that constantly rages within me, I can’t look inside myself for it either. I have to look to a place where I seem to have forgotten HOW to look…I have to look to a place that was once a comfort, but is now a fear…I have to look to a place that I’m not even sure I really believe in anymore…….I have to look…UP.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Africa is SO close...
March 13. That's the day i leave for africa. CRAZY! i can't believe i'm already here. spending time in africa has been something i've been SO serious about doing for close to 5 years now. and it is so surreal to think that after all this time, it's REAL. I have a plane ticket, i have paid IFRE over $2,200, i have gotten several shots and malaria meds. i will be living in TANZANIA for a little over 3 months. i'll be with a family, who i know nothing about. i will be teaching in a school of orphans, which i also pretty much know nothing about. I feel that the whole experience is going to pretty much be a surprise. There is ONE thing i know without a DOUBT...this trip will, in some way, whether for good or bad or both....ROCK my world. change me. take everything i thought i knew about life and people and throw it right out the window.
I'm SOOO excited. And until a couple of months ago, that's ALL i was. Now, i'm also scared. I'm scared of a lot of things regarding what my life might be like there. What my life might be like when i come back. Of the possibilities of dangerous situations, which seem to be very likely. BUT, i have NEVER been one to let fear stop me in such situations. Because more than i have fear, i have this incredibly strong desire to LIVE and to do it with love, and passion, and hope, and bravery. I truly believe that GREAT things and experiences can only be gained through risk, by taking chances. And i've always been one to do just that. and even if something doesn't go so well, THAT'S OK. i know more for next time. i've learned SOMEthing, no matter how small that something may be. and with every challenge, every experience, every person i come to know and love; i GROW, i CHANGE, i LEARN...and what are we without that?? isn't that what life is REALLY about? ...to better yourself THROUGH your attempts to better the world around you.
And most of the people who REALLY know me, KNOW that this is what i live for. to somehow better the world around me. i'm not going to start some campaign, or foundation, or even attempt to discover the cure for some awful disease. but i want to change the world around me by changing the lives of people around me, in small ways. i want to smile as much as possible. i want to laugh with all my soul. i want JOY. i want people to know they're loved, appreciated. whether i'm leaving secret notes at someone's door, or sending a card to australia, or a package to germany, or if i'm baking brownies for the sad boy next door, or even for the friend who already has something to smile about...i just wanna do little things that matter to someone in some way. and that's what i want to do in africa. i want to make those kids SMILE. those kids who have lost their families and who are struggling to find hope...i want to laugh with them, i want to hug them, i want to sit down and color a picture, or go in a field and pick flowers, or run on the sands of the beach. i want something as simple as a hug to communicate genuine LOVE.
i used to have this incredible faith. this ridiculously solid, and deep love for God. and somewhere along the way in the last two years, that all seems to have evaded me. honestly, i think that's the ONLY reason why going to africa now seems scary to me. and i think, in a lot of ways, that i'm hoping that being in africa will restore to me what i have lost, what i have failed to pursue. relationships take work, they take effort, and sacrifice, and recently i have failed to put any of the former into my relationship with God. i have completely let it fall FAR from my list of priorities. and i'm not sure how i feel about that. sometimes i'm overwhelemed with emotion, sometimes i'm apathetic. needless to say, it hasn't necessarily been an easy thing, but i'm hoping that in some way my time in africa will provide clarity...even if it's only to remind me of things i've known all along.
Anyway, it's SO important to me that you all know how much i love you. i know, i know, a lot of people think i'm one to use that word too easily. but...i use it honestly. i do love you. and i think we don't tell each other often enough how we feel. losing nigel, as PRECIOUS and wonderful and amazing as he was, was such a reminder of how important it is to live every day fully and to express love to the people around you. and it's SO sad that we have to lose people dear to us to start putting into practice something that should have been part of our lives all along. i've always been one to openly use the word "love" because i feel like it's one of the most beautiful and necessary elements of life. and i'm not afraid to be honest about the fact that i DO love easily, and that you don't have to be some amazing, incredible person for me to love you. i will love you no matter where you are or who you are or why you are that way. it is simply who i am. and it's the one thing i want you to NEVER forget about me.
I'm SOOO excited. And until a couple of months ago, that's ALL i was. Now, i'm also scared. I'm scared of a lot of things regarding what my life might be like there. What my life might be like when i come back. Of the possibilities of dangerous situations, which seem to be very likely. BUT, i have NEVER been one to let fear stop me in such situations. Because more than i have fear, i have this incredibly strong desire to LIVE and to do it with love, and passion, and hope, and bravery. I truly believe that GREAT things and experiences can only be gained through risk, by taking chances. And i've always been one to do just that. and even if something doesn't go so well, THAT'S OK. i know more for next time. i've learned SOMEthing, no matter how small that something may be. and with every challenge, every experience, every person i come to know and love; i GROW, i CHANGE, i LEARN...and what are we without that?? isn't that what life is REALLY about? ...to better yourself THROUGH your attempts to better the world around you.
And most of the people who REALLY know me, KNOW that this is what i live for. to somehow better the world around me. i'm not going to start some campaign, or foundation, or even attempt to discover the cure for some awful disease. but i want to change the world around me by changing the lives of people around me, in small ways. i want to smile as much as possible. i want to laugh with all my soul. i want JOY. i want people to know they're loved, appreciated. whether i'm leaving secret notes at someone's door, or sending a card to australia, or a package to germany, or if i'm baking brownies for the sad boy next door, or even for the friend who already has something to smile about...i just wanna do little things that matter to someone in some way. and that's what i want to do in africa. i want to make those kids SMILE. those kids who have lost their families and who are struggling to find hope...i want to laugh with them, i want to hug them, i want to sit down and color a picture, or go in a field and pick flowers, or run on the sands of the beach. i want something as simple as a hug to communicate genuine LOVE.
i used to have this incredible faith. this ridiculously solid, and deep love for God. and somewhere along the way in the last two years, that all seems to have evaded me. honestly, i think that's the ONLY reason why going to africa now seems scary to me. and i think, in a lot of ways, that i'm hoping that being in africa will restore to me what i have lost, what i have failed to pursue. relationships take work, they take effort, and sacrifice, and recently i have failed to put any of the former into my relationship with God. i have completely let it fall FAR from my list of priorities. and i'm not sure how i feel about that. sometimes i'm overwhelemed with emotion, sometimes i'm apathetic. needless to say, it hasn't necessarily been an easy thing, but i'm hoping that in some way my time in africa will provide clarity...even if it's only to remind me of things i've known all along.
Anyway, it's SO important to me that you all know how much i love you. i know, i know, a lot of people think i'm one to use that word too easily. but...i use it honestly. i do love you. and i think we don't tell each other often enough how we feel. losing nigel, as PRECIOUS and wonderful and amazing as he was, was such a reminder of how important it is to live every day fully and to express love to the people around you. and it's SO sad that we have to lose people dear to us to start putting into practice something that should have been part of our lives all along. i've always been one to openly use the word "love" because i feel like it's one of the most beautiful and necessary elements of life. and i'm not afraid to be honest about the fact that i DO love easily, and that you don't have to be some amazing, incredible person for me to love you. i will love you no matter where you are or who you are or why you are that way. it is simply who i am. and it's the one thing i want you to NEVER forget about me.
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