A Tired Spirit

My spirit is tired. Tired of loving. Tired of giving. Tired of forgiving. Tired of being taken advantage of. Tired of being taken for granted. Tired of being disrespected. My spirit is exhausted, really. And my heart is broken. I want to fall apart. I don’t want to be strong all the time. I don’t see any need in pretending that I’m invincible in any kind of way. I know I’m not, and I see no need in pretending that I am. But I sometimes feel that I have to do so. I sometimes feel like I have to pretend that I’m not fazed by the broken hearts and spirits I see around me. I say they’re broken because they hurt and disrespect others so easily, so freely. I don’t want to be one of those people, so I continue to love, to forgive, to remain steadfastly dedicated to those I care about. But why? Why do I continue to do that? What am I fighting for? Who am I fighting for? I find myself often fighting so hard for people that aren’t willing to fight alongside me. I find myself often fighting for things long after they’re already dead. Why? All my life I’ve believed that all people deserve to be loved and deserve to be shown their worth and value. And the most heartbreaking times in my life are when I question that belief. When I wonder if people really are worth fighting for, when I wonder if people really do deserve my love, when I wonder if people really do deserve to be treated as though they’re valuable and worthy. I hate reaching a point of jadedness in which I simply want to give up on the people around me. I hate feeling like it’s time to let go and decide that someone is no longer worth my time and love. There’s a war within me…between loving others unconditionally and loving myself at the same time. How do I find balance between the two? Sometimes it feels impossible. I’ve never been good at loving myself. I seem to always sacrifice my own happiness, even my own sanity, for the sake of others…in attempts to make them happy, in attempts to help them maintain their own sanity in the crazy world around them. But it just leads to my own brokenness. And then I fall apart. My spirit tires, and it soon breaks. And that’s where I find myself again, tired and broken. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I feel resentment. I so often tell myself these are emotions I don’t want in my life, that these are things I don’t want to feel. But I do. I feel them. They are here, whether I want them or not. And maybe I need to embrace these negative emotions just as strongly as I embrace the positive. Maybe only then I will learn to love myself, to protect myself, to require respect from others. I sometimes wish my heart was a little harder, but it’s just not. Not at all. I sometimes wonder what made me this way. I think I know, but sometimes I resent that aspect of myself because I’m tired of being tired. My spirit is tired of feeling broken and pained.

Regardless, I am who I am. And up until this point I have not wavered in being a lover, a forgiver…one who appreciates, one who looks for the best in all people, one who chooses to have faith, one who gives the benefit of the doubt, one who accepts others no matter where they might be. I have tried to be respectful and to live a life that I hope others can appreciate and would wish to emulate. I have tried to be pure toward others and in my intentions with all people. I have tried to trust that there is more than meets the eye. I have given of myself not necessarily because others deserve it, but because this is what I believe is life’s greatest joy. I may hurt, but I will not give up. “March on. Do not tarry. To go forward is to move toward perfection. March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life's path.” Khalil Gibran

L

I sit and wait for you.
Years…years
I’ve waited.
You might have come before,
Maybe once, maybe twice.
I’m not sure.
But now,
In this moment,
You are nowhere to be
Found.
Patience,
A virtue,
They say.
Consider me virtuous,
In such a case.
Where are you?
I’ve looked for you
In the arms of deceit
And flattery composed
Of the truest deception.
I wanted to believe you were there.
But no.
No, you were not.
You never are.
There are few things in this life
For which I feel deserving.
But you are one of those.
I give far more of you
Than I have ever received.
Perhaps I am not meant to.
I have searched for you
In eyes of brown and blue.
I have lived without want of you.
I have folded hopes of you
Into compact, sharp-edged shapes.
I have set them to sail
In the winds of the world.
Fear and despair
Have set them all ablaze,
The ashes falling upon my
Dejected soul and body.
I collect the ashes
Into a glass jar where they can always be seen.
Reminding me that for you,
I wait.
I wait.
For years I have waited.
Will I wait for many more?
Where are you?
A million miles away,
In a land to which I truly belong?
Next door,
Before me, shrouded in my oblivion?
I know not the day or hour
When you will enter here,
But I will wait
Patiently.
There is no other
Choice.

A Wee Blurb on Happiness

What does it mean to be happy? To be content with the life you live and the things you have?

We are always looking for something to make us happy. We think that getting something we’ve hoped for will make us happy. We look to other people to fill the empty spaces in our hearts and souls…usually with expectations that another human being can’t possibly be expected to fulfill. We think if we get a new job or move to a new place, then we can be happy. We think something must change for happiness to begin. We think that happiness and contentment are with us only when everything is going just the way we want it to, when good news comes, when things are easy and challenges are far from our sight.

But for me, happiness and contentment has always been a state of mind, an attitude. If I can look at everything going on in my life and know that everything will be ok, it will be. If I can smile through my tears, I can know joy. There’s so much I don’t know in this world, but I do know that I am the master and commander of my feelings…regardless of the actions of others or the inconveniences the universe decides to throw my way.

The past year has been a great one. I have been content. And yet, this year was filled with so many painful experiences. I’ve been lied to more times than I can count, used, manipulated, betrayed, belittled. I’ve been heartbroken, I’ve been in an accident that has caused problem after problem, I’ve lost someone I loved to disease. Some of my friends look at me and say, “how can you be so calm about this?...How can you be in this situation and still smile at this person?...How can you forgive?” How? How do I do this? Because I choose to. Because as hard as it may be sometimes, even though I have moments when I’m anger-filled, even though my heart breaks and my compassion for the insecurities of others weighs on me, even though people’s actions have made me hesitant to trust…I remain happy, content, loving, compassionate, trusting. I will always see the good in those who show me their dark side. I will find forgiveness in my heart. I will smile when the world is crashing down around me. Why? Because I CHOOSE to. Because I have every ability to make that choice…as do you. Why should we not be content? We already have far more than we could really hope for…the very luxury of having air to breathe should be reason to be grateful.

Life is what you make it...so make it good. Your life is your choice because your attitude is your life, and your attitude is always up to you.