Lamentations

Mmmm. its been quite an emotional week. lamenting, lamenting, a bit more lamenting. its been exhausting, especially on top of the massive amounts of work ive been doing for school. So, as i wrote before, benny died on monday. i was left all day with people who didnt speak english, so i didnt actually know EXACTLY what happened until that night when everyone came back home. benny has always had very bad asthma, and its something he's struggled with all of his life. if you were to see benny without a shirt on, you would see that his chest was quite compressed, it had not developed normally. on monday, the nurse from the hospital had gone where benny was staying to give him his medicine which was healing him from his fight against the malaria. because as far as the malaria was concerned, he really was getting MUCH better. but when the nurse arrived, benny was having a lot of trouble breathing. surely it was making it even more difficult because he was so weak and malnutritioned. the nurse suggested benny be taken to the hospital right away. benny died on the way to the hospital because he was unable to breathe.

tuesday, many, many people had come to our house for the traditional african gathering of grieving. all day as i sat and typed exams for school, i listened to this massive group of people singing songs of mourning, wailing, and crying out. needless to say, it was impossible to be there without crying, and by the end of the day i just could not stand it any more. i left to go visit my students at school because my need for escaping was necessary. once i got there, i let some of my students convince me to join them for prayer and worship. probably not the best idea if i wanted to escape grief and crying. now, because of all my struggles regarding my faith the last few years, almost everytime im in such a situation i become very emotional and cry. on this day, as the students sang their worship songs and shouted their prayers to God, lifting their hands in praise and in grief over benny's death, i cried and cried and cried. i cried for benny's death, i cried because of the confusion inside me regarding my faith, i cried because i could hear one of my favorite students wailing (she was very close to benny), i cried because i thought of my love for my students and my african family, i cried because i will soon leave them, i cried because at any time i could hear that any of them have met a sudden death as did benny. i cry so much here, its ridiculous. i dont know why, but ever since i came here ive been so much more emotional than ive been in a loong time. one of my students even asked me why i'm always crying. what can i say? i have no idea. the smallest of things move me to tears. needless to say, by the time i got back home tuesday night, i was completely drained and exhausted.

on wednesday, a few of the teachers (including me) and a large group of students skipped out on school and went to "pay our last respects" to benny. his body was being kept at the hospital until that day when a group (including bibi) would set off to transport his body to his father's house on the other side of the country. we all gathered together, with benny's coffin before us. there was alot more crying and singing. in the end, they opened the coffin, and the whole group of people formed a line to "view the body." several women screamed when they saw him, throwing themselves on the ground and wailing. it was heartbreaking. and the worst part was to see the students, every single one of them crying. every single boy who had spent the last 1-4 years living with benny, even the most hard-ass of boys, had tears streaming down their faces. i know that for them, benny was played the role of a father figure in their lives as he was their caretaker while they lived at school away from home. not only that, but for many of them, benny WAS the father they never had, or he had become the father who they had lost to sickness and disease. it was obvious that benny's death was the most difficult for those students who are now orphans. it was truly a devastating day.

my time here is quickly coming to an end. i only have 3 more weeks left, and only 2 more weeks left with the students. its going to be so hard to say goodbye to everyone here. some people i have developed VERY strong attachments to. i do miss things about home and am looking forward to many things there. but mostly superficial things. the one thing i miss the most is DEFINITELY my sister. im very used to being away from her, but i miss her sooo much. the other, unimportant things i miss and am looking forward to are a variety in foods; running water with which to take showers; my car which can take me where i want to go, when i want to go there, and in short time. basically, i miss stupid things, and i know when i leave here i will miss the people with unbearable intensity.