This last month has been kind of a strange time for me. I've done a lot of thinking, gone through a lot of transition and change. Big things happened my last few weeks in Africa, coming back here has been a struggle in some ways, and I continue to think, think, think about everything. And there are really some things that have come to the surface lately, things that i've pulled up from deep down inside of me. things ive pushed away and tried not to acknowledge. but what can i say, i have to face the truth and i have to admit that i have realized and learned some serious things about myself that i NEED to rectify.
i went to church yesterday. probably the first time in about two years. thats a big deal, especially for someone like me who used to live the kind of life i did, a life completely dedicated to church. pastor chip was speaking, which was my main motivation for going. i relate to him, i trust him, i always learn a lot from him. and what he was talking about was resonating SO strongly within me regarding all the things ive been learning lately. it was as though he opened my brain, took my thoughts right out, and gave a sermon on them. he talked alot about the fears and insecurities and lies that we've held on to since childhood that have made us feel like we shouldnt be happy. thats what ive been dealing with lately.
i wrote in one of my first blog posts that i feel like i dont deserve to be loved. and its true. i do feel that way. i know where that comes from, and i have for a long time. i think so many of my insecurities come from a life of feeling like i couldnt do anything right. feeling like nothing was quite good enough. that i always had to push myself one step further, even if there were no more steps ahead. ive been made fun of and mocked, because im so sensitive and certain types of people really like to get me riled up. over time, these small lies have buried themselves deep into my heart. these lies tell me im ugly, im stupid, im worthless, i can try all i want but ill never quite be good enough. these lies hold me back from so many things, because even though i can look at them and acknowledge them as lies, i have allowed myself to live my life as though they were truth. i feel like im not worthy of truly being loved, so when someone starts to give me that, i push it away, i push them away. its funny how easily i lose patience with the people most dedicated to me, how easily i put down those who support me the most, how easily i hurt those who are so selfless with me. and yet, the people who manipulate me, who lie to me, who treat me like i really am worthless, those are the people for whom i have endless patience, endless love, they are the people i never stop fighting for. and it makes NO sense.
Pastor chip was talking about how the lie he had believed in his life for so long was that he was lazy and would never amount to anything. and so when he accomplished something great, and was rewarded for it, he did all he could to jeopardize that reward, to push it away and give it up. and thats how it is for me with love. i feel like i dont deserve it, and so i push it away. like pastor chip said, we would rather be right than happy. if happiness comes from the things that we have come to believe we dont deserve, we push that happiness away so that we follow what we "believe." I have this HUGE heart that takes everyone in and wants to love everyone, but theres one person i refuse to let into my heart, and thats myself. i dont say that to sound so selfless and giving. i think its a flaw i have, a very big one. i put everyone into my heart except myself. i give everyone love except myself. but its not in a selfless way. its in a very self-damaging way. i deprive myself of something i need. nigel was really good and showing me that. he was really good at slapping me in the face til i got my head on straight, so to speak. i know nigel loved me alot, but i think thats one thing that really drove him crazy about me. i wouldnt let myself be happy. "kiddo, whatre you doing," he would say. "youre being stupid. you gotta look out for you sometimes. you cant always worry about everyone elses happiness, because then youre never happy. who cares if so and so doesnt have ride to walmart. so what if you dont cook dinner for so and so. just look out for yourself SOMETIMES." and he was right. and only he knew how to make me take a step back and remember that i might actually be KIND OF important, too. i miss him in times like these. wish he was around. wish i could call him and tell him all the foolish thoughts in my head. he knew better than anyone how to displace the lies in me that ive come to believe.
and although ive known these things about myself for so long, what ive really been learning lately is just what a stronghold these thoughts have over me in relationships, romantic relationships in particular. something in me is so attracted to the JERK. the guy who is really a total loser, but uses his confidence and charm and sweet little lies to manipulate me. those are the guys who give me butterflies, who keep me wanting more, who keep my by the phone waiting for the next call. theyre also the guys who have NONE of the qualities i really want in a person that i share my life with. but i realized something, those butterflies, those anxious, nervous feelings, that are REALLY fruits of insecurity; i have come to associate those things with having feelings for someone. so when im with the "good guy," the guy who makes me feel loved, cared about, taken care of, comfortable, the guy who has all those qualities i want, then the insecurity isnt there. there is no anxiousness, there is no nervousness, and somehow, over time, ive told myself that if i dont get those feelings, then it means that i dont have a romantic connection with that person. and thats just stupid. because then what do i do. i push that amazing person away because theyre too good to me. theyre giving me love i dont deserve. and im TELLING myself, whether its true or not, that my feelings for that person are not real. that i need to be anxious, and nervous, and have butterflies to feel a romantic connection. but really, i only have those feelings with the people who are going to hurt me, and i feel that way with them, because i KNOW they are going to hurt me. and because ive allowed myself to believe i deserve to be hurt, thats what i allow myself to experience. and its sooo scary to me. i HAVE to work through this. i HAVE to let myself be loved. i HAVE to stop giving into the jerks. because i will spend my life in misery. and my greatest fear is that i will marry someone like my father. i love my father, but if i willingly place my life and my heart in the hands of a man like that, i will be a FOOL. but thats exactly what im afraid of. i have walked away from some of the best guys i have ever known, and will ever know, because i think i dont deserve them. my last ex-boyfriend was amazing. he really was. and he was pretty much the most perfect person in the world for me. and he loved me more sincerely and genuinely than i believe anyone ever has. and i was HAPPY with him. i was. and what did i do? i ran away from it, i pushed it all away. and its been crazy dealing with all my feelings about it, because its hard to say what i even do feel. im a simple enough person to the rest of the world, but inside, i am chaos. my heart is a jumbled mess of contradicting foolishness, and i never know what to do or which way to let my heart take me.
somehow ive even started to wonder if this is the same reason i ended up pushing God away. maybe, as little doubts began to creep into me, as i started to believe the lies of people around me, i started to also believe that my perception of God was just too good to be true. i had always known that i didnt deserve Gods love or grace. i had always known it was something given to me completely aside from myself. Ephesians 2:8-10..."God saved you by his grace when you believed. and you cant take credit for this; it is a gift from God. salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are Gods masterpiece..." i always knew i didnt deserve Gods love, but i accepted it anyway. somehow, i got to a place where i couldnt accept that either. where i pushed it away, and now i tell myself i dont deserve to have it back. pastor chip said we shouldnt base our sense of who we are on other hurt, flawed human beings. and hes right. because thats what ive done. ive let other peoples lies dictate my sense of self. i have ALSO let my sense of God be based on other hurt, flawed human beings. and that has been one of my greatest mistakes. over time ive allowed my perception of God to be based on the many imperfect human beings who claim, and some who try, to serve him.
i dont know how im gonna get past all this. i think its going to take a lot of time and a lot of work. pastor chip also said that the greatest sin of all is independence, thinking that we can do by ourselves what we were never meant to do by ourselves. i KNOW that the only way i can dispel these lies from my life, and the only way i can allow myself to accept love, is to let God take control and allow my beliefs to be shaped by His truth. I have to BELIEVE that i AM his masterpiece like ephesians 2:10 tells me. but, its going to be hard. because ive pushed God away for so long and there is still something in me fighting SO hard to continue to do so. and even though i want to be the person i was, with the life i had, and the beliefs i once held, im still really confused and i dont know how to let myself accept all those things once again.
ugh, its all so complicated. and im tired of thinking about it, and tired of trying to figure it all out. i want peace. i do. but its gonna take a lot to get there. and i will continue to hurt myself, and worse, i will continue to hurt other people if i dont figure things out, let some things go, and place truth at the center of my heart.
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