The End is Here

I can't believe im wrapping up my last week in tanzania. its now tuesday, and im leaving on sunday. i cant even believe the time has come and gone. even as i sit and write this, tears are welling up in my eyes. honestly, its the first time in my life ive ever felt the effects of homesickness, but that by no means doesnt mean that i havent fallen in love with this place and these people, and my heart breaks to think of leaving it all for an indefinite amount of time.

friday was my last day at the school, my last day with my students. earlier that week i set out with bibi to buy gifts for my students and the men/women who live at my house. I wanted to buy belts, kongas, collared shirts, earrings, etc. so, as is to be expected, the people in the markets were trying to rip me off. REALLY rip me off. but bibi and i were using some hardcore bargaining skills. we wouldnt let them get the best of us. at one pf the places i was trying to buy shirts, bibi started lecturing the guys about trying to rip me off. she said i was buying gifts for people, many of which were orphans, and they should have respect that i was trying to do good for their brothers and sisters (because after all, everyone considers themselves to be family here). One girl, about my age, was sitting nearby. She said she was an orphan and she knew the importance of what i was doing and she offered me 5,000 shillings to go towards the gifts i was buying. honestly, that was probably alot of money for her to give, and i was SOOO touched by her selflessness amongst all the cheating, that i just began to weep right there in front of everyone. oh lord. i cant emphasize enough how much ive cried in this country. bibi held me and said, "dont you feel bad, she's just a good girl with a kind heart like you." We got her phone number, and im planning on leaving a good bit of money for her which bibi will give to her. so yeah, i gave the gifts to my students, and come friday, many of them had gotten me gifts and written me goodbye letters. it was VERY sweet. when i was saying goodbye to them, i told them about the story of the girl who gave me the money. i told them i had been so hard on them all term because i wanted them to be like that woman, and not like the men who were trying to cheat me. of course, that made me cry too because i couldnt help but think of the things some of those kids are going to become involved in.

You know, i love to travel because i love to see how other people live, and i love to meet different kinds of people from different cultures. and by doing so, not only do i see the differences that society and culture have created within people, but i also see that all people are basically the same everywhere. it seems that there IS something innate within us, and while we behave differently, perceive the world differently, have different customs and traditions, we all share something, and we are not SO different. Here, i often complain about laziness, selfishness, illogical decisions. at home, in america, i complain about ignorance and materialism. as of course, the truth is, there are corrupt, rude, selfish, and lazy people everywhere. but there are also good, kind, generous, selfless, sacrificial, loving people everywhere. Just like the girl who offered her 5,000 shillings. and despite many things i see here which i consider to be flaws and the reason this country remains poverty-stricken, i also see beautiful, loving, tightly-knit kinship. despite the "fools" ive come to know here, ive also come to know the kindest, most giving and loving people, and many of them are now my family. Last week, bibi was trying to buy me a gift and i argued and argued with her, just as i would with my own grandmother. I said that bibi and babu had already given me far too much; a safe, loving place to stay, food for 3 months, lots of toilet paper, rides everywhere (so much expensive gas), so so much. bibi said, "and we would gladly give you so much more. you are our daughter now. since the day you came here, you became a part of our family, you became one of us and you always will be. you will always be our daughter, and we will always love you as one." im so blessed to be where i am, and with this family.

Of course, as ive mentioned before, my faith has been a constant contemplation here. A while ago, i saw "angels and demons" at the cinema. there was something i liked in that movie. at one point, a priest asked tom hanks if he believed in God. He said something, and then the priest said, "i didnt ask you if you believe in what man says about God, i asked if you believed in God." This is so relevant to how ive been feeling. the doubts ive had are mostly due to man's perceptions of God; to how culturally relevant God is to the people of the ancient near east; to how we've taken things they likely meant as metaphors and made them doctrinal truth. these are things which i doubt. i doubt what man has said about God. i think in my heart, i know God is real, that he exists. i can FEEL a purpose in creation, i can FEEL something divine amongst pain and suffering. The other night, my friends elly and ramadhan were talking, and rama said, "if only everyone had a loving heart just like yours elly, then what a wonderful place the world would be." but would it? if we were ALL loving, giving, kind, considerate, then where would the beauty in that be? compassion wouldnt be moving or touching, compassion wouldnt be redemptive. if we were all the same, if our hearts and characters were all made the same, we wouldnt have a choice to be the people we are, we wouldnt CHOOSE kindness or ill will, loving or hating, selflesness or selfishness, sacrifice or greed. but we do choose. we can choose. and doesnt the fact that we have a choice mean something? thats what i had always thought in my "days of faith." God has not made us into robots who thoughtlessly serve him. we dont operate like machinery with no will. we have choice. righteous living is a choice, and its a choice that takes effort. and then of course, if i am to say such things, there are people who will undoubtably argue that we DONT have a choice. Free will vs. predetermination/predestination. and so here, we see the differences in what man says about God. so what makes any of us think we are right? why is our perception of God more valid than the next? if five people can interpret a verse, in any religious work, in five different ways, then with what audacity to we claim our perception to be more valid than others? we say we know because of conviction. did the muslims who killed themselves and thousands others on 9-11 not have conviction? of course they did. we each claim to have valid ideas, and yet we are each such flawed human beings. if we are so flawed, what makes us think that our ideas and perceptions are not also flawed? we can believe WHATEVER we want to about God, we can accept whichever perceptions of man we choose, but that doesnt mean that ANY of us are right.