A friend of mine asked me last week why I didn't post on my blog more often. And I answered that I only post when I have a lot of emotion to express, when everything comes exploding out of me because this is the only way I know how to release everything bottled inside of me. And the truth is, I have felt this overwhelming bottling of emotions constantly in the past month. It's never ceasing. Always there, tormenting me. And the nights that this emotion explodes out of me are the nights I hate myself the most.
The truth is, I feel disconnected. from everything. and i feel alone. i feel so alone. nothing feels right to me. i don't know if I'm in the right place, I don't know if a "right" place exists for me. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, I don't know if the "right" thing exists for me. I don't know if I'm with the right person; I don't know if the "right" person exists for me. i feel so lost. i feel so confused. I spend most of my time feeling inadequate about school, friendships, my relationship, everything. I'm not smart enough to be here, there is nothing in this world I am good at, and there is no one in this world who should have to put up with me.
I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know what I want anymore. Nothing feels right. And I feel so alone. And I am SICK AND TIRED of crying myself to sleep every night.
Oh, Lenny. Maybe we should be talking more, because you write exactly the same things I write in my journal.
ReplyDeletelena, hold on a few days and we can hash out things. you will have two friends who genuinely care about you in your presence and we will make sure you feel connected and right, at least for a couple days!!! xoxo lkf
ReplyDeleteLena, I'm coming in a week! we must talk about all of this then, yes? I miss you,
ReplyDeleteLindsey
I'm sorry to find you so resonant and in despair. I am sure a lot of things have come together to bring this on, but I would like to say this to you.
ReplyDeleteAs I look at your photos online and read all the wonderful comments by your friends, one thing I never see is anybody "putting up" with you. I see friends who enjoy and love your company and who write many comments about how they can't wait to see you again. The looks on their faces tell the story. Lena is loved and valued and desired, a true friend. Nowhere do I see "put up with."
Also, there is a least one thing that you are obviously good at, indeed, VERY good at. You are a friend. Again, the comments and pictures say it all. You are a good friend. As I am somewhat older than you (not that I am old mind you, just older!) I have found many people who were good at many things: academia, music, business, careers, etc, but they were worthless at being a friend. A friend's worth is priceless. A friend's trust, priceless. Their shoulder in times of trouble, priceless. Their smile in the good times, priceless. You are a friend to many people.
I don't know what you will "do" in life, how you will make your money, where you will go, (probably everywhere!) or who else you will meet and touch, but I think you will always be good at making people feel welcome, accepted, and loved. And that dear Lena, makes you priceless.
To the right of your blog page is box that says "about Me". The first two words are I Love, and then a list follows. It starts with people and it ends with people. People love you the same way that you love them. "Not good", you say? "Put up with"? No. Priceless? You bet.