Those of you who know me well, those of you who know my heart, know that I am not someone who gets angry. When I am wronged, I feel pain, I feel hurt, I feel disappointment, but I do not feel anger toward another. I forgive; I understand. But I don’t get angry. Anger is an emotion that I have done my best to avoid. The anger of others, others with significant roles in my life, has left me scarred. There have been things said to me in anger and things done to me in anger which have left me with deep-seeded fears, insecurities, and heartbreak. Words said to me in anger remain embedded in my mind, convincing me that I am not good enough, no matter how hard I try. Bruises inflicted on me in anger, the hands that have struck me in anger, have left me with the belief that I do not deserve love; I deserve to feel small, meaningless, worthless.
I have recently come to realize that these lies that have infected my heart and soul are the reason that I won’t allow myself to feel anger. I fear that I will be responsible for saying and doing things in the heat of the moment which will leave those I love irrevocably damaged. But I have not only been damaged by others’ expression of anger, I have also been damaged by my own failure to allow myself to feel anger. For so long, I have thought that I am not an angry person. But only because I have not let myself be.
In the last several months, the unraveling of particular events has forced me to realize that there are situations for which I should have been angry, and I should have let myself experience the rage worthy of wrongs done to me in the past. The anger, it seems, has remained locked somewhere deep inside of me, and my failure to process it at the appropriate time is now having a severe effect on me. I have begun to have nightmares; awful, tormenting nightmares. For the last two months, there have been very few nights when I have not been awoken from my sleep in sobs. I literally wake up crying because of the pain and anger I am experiencing in my nightmares. My insomnia has always plagued me; this takes it to another level.
So now I am angry. ANGRY. And I finally feel like it’s ok to be. I’m angry that I have done everything I could do to be the best I could be, and it has never been acknowledged or appreciated by those who I have worked hard to make proud. I’m angry that I have worked my ass off only to have my accomplishments degraded by those who are meant to support me. I’m angry that I have given so much time and energy to people who didn’t deserve it. I’m angry that I have always said yes to others at the cost of saying no to myself. I'm angry that people have taken me for granted and have come to me only in times of need. I'm angry that 'close' friends have neglected me only because they know I'll be there waiting when they come back. I’m angry that I have sacrificed so much in relationships for people who always prioritized everything else before me. I’m angry that someone who was too afraid to be honest with me has robbed me of my ability to trust all men I become involved with, making me feel sure that everyone is charming me with deception as their only aim.
I AM ANGRY, and I want to be free. Anger doesn’t have to be a bad thing. And it doesn’t have to hurt other people. Anger doesn’t have to have the effect that I fear it will have-- as long as I handle my anger appropriately; as long as I deal with my anger at the appropriate time, rather than years later; as long as I also let go of the anger once the time for feeling it has passed. Aristotle said, “Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.” I have to learn how to experience and master the emotion of anger in the same way that I have done with joy, love, and forgiveness. Anger does not have to be a weapon; it can also be a means of healing and moving on. Sometimes even the nice girl needs to say f*$& off. Yes, I am finally angry. And maybe, hopefully, I can finally be free.
I have recently come to realize that these lies that have infected my heart and soul are the reason that I won’t allow myself to feel anger. I fear that I will be responsible for saying and doing things in the heat of the moment which will leave those I love irrevocably damaged. But I have not only been damaged by others’ expression of anger, I have also been damaged by my own failure to allow myself to feel anger. For so long, I have thought that I am not an angry person. But only because I have not let myself be.
In the last several months, the unraveling of particular events has forced me to realize that there are situations for which I should have been angry, and I should have let myself experience the rage worthy of wrongs done to me in the past. The anger, it seems, has remained locked somewhere deep inside of me, and my failure to process it at the appropriate time is now having a severe effect on me. I have begun to have nightmares; awful, tormenting nightmares. For the last two months, there have been very few nights when I have not been awoken from my sleep in sobs. I literally wake up crying because of the pain and anger I am experiencing in my nightmares. My insomnia has always plagued me; this takes it to another level.
So now I am angry. ANGRY. And I finally feel like it’s ok to be. I’m angry that I have done everything I could do to be the best I could be, and it has never been acknowledged or appreciated by those who I have worked hard to make proud. I’m angry that I have worked my ass off only to have my accomplishments degraded by those who are meant to support me. I’m angry that I have given so much time and energy to people who didn’t deserve it. I’m angry that I have always said yes to others at the cost of saying no to myself. I'm angry that people have taken me for granted and have come to me only in times of need. I'm angry that 'close' friends have neglected me only because they know I'll be there waiting when they come back. I’m angry that I have sacrificed so much in relationships for people who always prioritized everything else before me. I’m angry that someone who was too afraid to be honest with me has robbed me of my ability to trust all men I become involved with, making me feel sure that everyone is charming me with deception as their only aim.
I AM ANGRY, and I want to be free. Anger doesn’t have to be a bad thing. And it doesn’t have to hurt other people. Anger doesn’t have to have the effect that I fear it will have-- as long as I handle my anger appropriately; as long as I deal with my anger at the appropriate time, rather than years later; as long as I also let go of the anger once the time for feeling it has passed. Aristotle said, “Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.” I have to learn how to experience and master the emotion of anger in the same way that I have done with joy, love, and forgiveness. Anger does not have to be a weapon; it can also be a means of healing and moving on. Sometimes even the nice girl needs to say f*$& off. Yes, I am finally angry. And maybe, hopefully, I can finally be free.
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